One of the criticisms of marriage, in movies and TV shows, is that you’ll be sleeping with the same person for the rest of your life. The idea behind that statement is that things in the bedroom will get stale, boring, or even nonexistent. You might find that your sex life has fallen into a routine and just isn’t as exciting, the longer you’ve been together.
I love the quote, “A great marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person”. In that falling in love over and over, I always emphasize to couples that what worked to help them connect in one season of life might not be feasible or serve them the same way throughout their entire lives. Novelty and excitement on date night, connecting rituals, what you eat for dinner, etc. are good for your marriage. The same can be said about the physical intimacy in your marriage.
Related: 30 Ways to Increase the Intimacy in Your Marriage
If you feel like you can relate to the sentiment of those people who scoff at the idea of only being with one partner for the rest of your life, maybe it’s time to change up your routine! That spark and excitement you had the first time your spouse held your hand, pulled you in to cuddle, kissed you, etc. don’t have to fade away the longer you are married.
When you find yourselves in an intimate rut, doing the same thing over and over again, or maybe doing nothing at all, I hope you can refer back to this post for some ideas to help you pull yourselves out. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do everything at once. Or that you even have to try everything on this list. Pick one thing that speaks to you and pull your partner into it with you. See how it affects your relationship, then maybe come back and try something different or add another thing to your toolbox. And don’t forget that it’s ok to set something aside if it isn’t serving you well anymore.
Related: How Often Should Married Couples Be Having Sex?
One of the first things I think you should do when you find yourself in a rut in your relationship is to communicate!
Related: The Best Conversation Starters for Married Couples
There’s a reason why “hotel sex” is such a magical thing for married couples. A change of scenery can make all the difference in spicing things up! Staying at a bed and breakfast isn’t possible every weekend so you’ll have to get creative at home.
I don’t know much about sports, but from movies, I am going to venture to say that coaches have a playbook of sorts for their sport/team. Those books have diagrams of each of their plays to show where each position will be, and how they’ll move in coordination with each other, and they often have a special name for their plays too. What “plays” do you have for your intimate moments? Could you stand to add a few new ones to the book?
There are a lot of great apps out there for couples to use together. A lot of them include or are dedicated to helping you to spice things up in the bedroom. You’ll find new positions, questions to ask to deepen your connection, flirty ideas to get your partner in the mood, etc. The apps listed below are ones that I have personally used. They are all quality resources, most of them put together by marriage professionals.
Related: Seven Apps Every Couple Should Have on Their Phone
I was recently listening to one of my favorite marriage podcasts, Marriage Therapy Radio, and Laura Heck was talking about different ways to surprise your spouse on an everyday basis. She said that it could be as simple as switching sides of the bed, and that’s when this idea hit me. What if you did something to surprise your spouse in your intimate moments?
Podcasts are the big thing right now, and you can find them on almost anything, including intimacy in marriage. I listen to a lot of different marriage-focused podcasts, and some focus on intimacy specifically. You can search and find others, or look at related when you’re viewing the ones below. These are just a few I’d suggest to start.
Related: The Best Marriage Podcasts
I am a big fan of using subscription boxes for date night, but did you know they also create them for your more intimate moments? Some are just boxes with different toys and products for you to sample, but others are much more than that. The subscription boxes that I’ve linked below have the goal of helping you connect and deepen your relationship as a couple, as well as providing you with things to help you have more fun.
Related: The Best Sexy Subscription Boxes for Married Couples
You can find great games that are made specifically for couples to use in the bedroom. Some can be cheesy, but still fun. The games listed below are designed to help you connect, try new things, and get to know each other on a more intimate level. They’re a fun way to change things up and step away from your routine.
Are you still using the same lingerie that you got for your wedding? Or have you abandoned lingerie altogether? Whether you think it’s worth wearing or not, something lacy can add variety and spice to your physical relationship. For the spouse wearing lingerie, can help them to feel more confident and sexy and help them to get into the mood. Find somewhere you feel comfortable purchasing new lingerie, like my favorite online shop, Mentionables, and get yourself something new to pull out every once in a while.
Related: Why You Should Continue to Purchase Lingerie Throughout Your Marriage
I’m a huge advocate for educating yourselves in areas of your marriage where you’re struggling or just looking to improve. Books can be an excellent, and low-risk way to do this, in any subject area you’re interested in. There are some excellent books out there surrounding the topic of intimacy in marriage. The books listed below were written specifically to help couples improve their physical intimacy. The authors of these books are trained on the subject or have done a lot of research to get them to the point they’re at. I’ve only heard good things from people who have read these books.
Related: Marriage Books That Couples Should Read Together at Least Once
Whether you need a little extra help shifting your mentality and overcoming blocks you have in the bedroom, or if you’re just looking for extra resources to improve your intimacy as a couple, a coach or therapist can help. There are coaches and therapists out there who specialize in helping couples and individuals with their sexuality. I suggest checking out Psychology Today and their directory of professionals, to help you find one in your area!
Related: How to Keep the Romance Alive Postpartum
Don’t be shy about suggesting to your spouse that the two of you try something new. Or having discussions about what you each feel is working well or could use improvement. I recognize that sex and intimacy are a topic people tend to avoid diving too deeply into because they can easily cause tension, as discussing finances can. But the more open, honest, and vulnerable you are, the better your marriage is going to be. Not just in the bedroom, but in your relationship as a whole.