“How many times a week do you have sex?” I put an anonymous question box up on Instagram that question came through. I know that a popular sex therapist and her husband are often asked the same question in their weekly q&a as well. I’m willing to bet it’s a conversation that happens among friends when they talk about marriage. And “how often should we be having sex in our marriage?” is something that couples are also asking their therapists.
What is the real answer couples are looking for when they ask these personal questions? It’s not always about knowing the juicy details of another person’s marriage. Most married individuals are asking other married individuals for their number to see if they are normal or not. I’m going to dance around the topic for a little bit longer before I give you a solid number. But I will give you a number, based on research and data. And then I’m going to go back to not giving you a solid number for your marriage. But I will tell you exactly how to find that “normal” frequency of sexual encounters in your marriage.
I have heard an average number of times per week mentioned by a couple of relationship and sex therapists that I follow and trust. To find a solid answer for you, I took to the internet and did a bit of research myself. Websites I looked at included WebMD, Men’s Health, multiple Gottman articles, and other trusted health and relationship sources. After reading a lot on the topic and looking at the stats from multiple surveys, this is what I found.
The average frequency committed couples are having sex with each other is once per week. In fact, Dr. David Schnarch says that he often recommends couples try to have sex once per week (source). However, only a couple of times per month is considered normal, and so is a couple of times per week. It’s important to note that average does not equal normal and “normal” isn’t necessarily the average. One article I read said, “If you are content with the frequency of intimacy in your relationship, you are normal.” This article was really interesting and thorough and included the most recent data set I was able to find.
Professionals across the board all say they don’t like to give couples a number. Just like all relationships look and function differently, how often you need and want to be physically intimate in your marriage will vary as well. Sex therapists define a “sexless marriage” as one where the couple is having sex less than 10 times per year, so less than once a month. But that statistic isn’t necessarily linked to an unsuccessful marriage.
Related: 30 Ways to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage
There is no magic number to how often you should be physically intimate if you want a successful marriage. And the majority of couples are not consistently having sex the same amount each week for the entirety of their marriage. What matters most is how great of an intimate connection you have with your spouse–intimate being the like know and trust you share.
Have I done a good job of giving you an answer without really giving you one? I wanted to shed light on the fact that there is no “normal” that fits all couples across the board. But I also wanted to help you determine what is normal for your own marriage. The tips I share next will help you find that number for yourselves. They will also give you the tools you need to reevaluate and adjust that number as you move through life together.
Related: 11 Ways to Pull Yourselves Out of an Intimacy Rut
Communication is an important piece of making your needs and desires known and building a successful relationship. It can be vulnerable, scary, and uncomfortable to have this conversation, but it’s important, and it will increase your intimacy beyond the physical side. Find a time when the two of you can talk uninterrupted, not just before, during, or after a sexual encounter. Ask your spouse, “are you satisfied with the frequency of sex in our marriage?” This yes or no question will prompt the rest of your conversation.
If your spouse says yes and you are also currently satisfied, you can say “ok cool” and continue with that normal. In the event that your spouse says no, they are not satisfied currently, open up the conversation about what their ideal normal looks like. Be open to what they have to say, don’t take it personally, and don’t shut them down.
Maybe your spouse says yes but your answer would be no, and you want to make some change. You can say, “I love being intimate with you and would love to find a way to increase how often we are, if you are up for it”. Or you can say, “I enjoy the physical side of our relationship and I recognize that our desire levels are different. I would love to talk about how we can make sure both of our needs are met, which might mean less frequent for me than where we are at right now.”
The remaining tips can help the two of you find creative solutions to help you reach an agreement on what the normal frequency of physical intimacy looks like in your marriage.
This is a discussion that sex therapists and educators are having on a regular basis. Sex is not just intercourse, just like intimacy is not just sex. When we use the words intimacy and sex, intercourse is often automatically assumed. Can you expand the definition of sex in your marriage? Maybe intercourse multiple times a week is not ideal or possible. Work together to determine other things that “count” as sex and increase that frequency.
I mentioned earlier in this post that a couple’s normal isn’t going to stay consistent throughout their marriage. Recognize this in your own marriage and be open to change. You can go back to the conversation tip when situations change or when you notice the frequency changing. I think it is also important to acknowledge that if you have decided on a number each week, that number doesn’t have to be set in stone and might change from week to week based on life. The last thing I would mention is in relation to the previous tip of expanding your definition. There will be stages and situations in your life when intercourse is not an option. Be open to exploring other ways to connect physically in your marriage during those times.
Related: How to Keep the Romance Alive Postpartum
If you are not having sex as often as you both would like, schedule it! Scheduling sex is an idea that receives a lot of flack. But it’s a tool that can help increase frequency and help you both to be more intentional in your physical relationship. I recommend reading this post I wrote a while back that explores what scheduling sex looks like and how it can benefit your marriage.
Related: Scheduling Sex in Marriage – Common Misconceptions
Continue having conversations with your couple friends and family, when it’s comfortable, about these topics! Sex and intimacy are often taboo things to talk about in a lot of social and religious circles. You can ask people how often they have sex, knowing that they may or may not give you a straight answer. But remember that their number doesn’t have to be your number. And their current number might look drastically different than what it would be if they were in your exact situation. Frequency changes and that’s ok! Remember that as long as you are both on the same page and satisfied, you are normal!
