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In episode five, Amberly talks about what a prioritized marriage looks like. How do you determine if you’re doing what you need to do to build that enjoyable, long-lasting marriage that’s based on the romance and friendship you share and not just your ability to manage your lives together? No matter what life has in front you, whether it’s the normal anticipated kids, work, school, those things, or some other random crazy thing that life throws your way, the goal is that you can have those tools and know what your marriage needs to make that relationship great and to continue to foster the romance and personal connection that you share outside of the business that you guys are managing together as a couple.
I’m back with episode five of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast. I did not plan to launch four episodes and then go silent here for a couple of weeks. I’ve been dealing with seasonal allergies for the past few weeks, which has already been weird because I’ve never had fall allergies before. But then the last week or so I’ve had an intense cough caused by those allergies, and it’s been majorly agitated whenever I try to talk. I kept waiting for it to go away so that I could record, and I think I’m finally safe. I still cough occasionally, and you can probably tell my voice sounds less than stellar, but thanks to a steady stream of allergy meds and some help from my doctor, I can move around and talk, but not quite laugh yet, without launching into a fit of coughing. So if I cough in the middle of this episode, I will try to edit it out, but hopefully, I’ll be good.
In today’s episode, I want to talk about what a prioritized marriage looks like. I’ve been talking about the importance of making time for your marriage relationship and your spouse. That was episode one. I’ve been giving you ideas to do that in episodes two, three, and four, and I’m going to continue to give you more ideas to do that. But how do you determine if you’re doing what you need to do to build that enjoyable, long-lasting marriage that’s based on the romance and friendship you share and not just your ability to manage your lives together?
I often get pushback from couples who misunderstand what I say when I say that you need to make your marriage a priority throughout every stage of life. I think the biggest one is kids, but there are times when school, kids, work, etc. all have to take priority, right? They have to come first. They will take up the majority of your time. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make time for your marriage every single day and that you can’t be doing things that show each other that your marriage relationship is important and still a priority to you. And that is my hope, that is my goal, that no matter what life has in front you, whether it’s the normal anticipated kids, work, school, those things, or some other random crazy thing that life throws your way, that you can have those tools and know what your marriage needs to make that relationship great and to continue to foster the romance and personal connection that you share outside of the business that you guys are managing together as a couple.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard couples say, “Right now our focus is the kids” or “We have to get through school”, or whatever else, and “Our marriage will be there after they’re gone, or after we’re done”. The problem with that way of thinking is that while your spouse as a person may still be there, and your legal union may still be intact, your relationship might not still be there after the kids are grown and gone. This goes back to that grey divorce that I talked about in episode one. That you’ll grow apart rather than growing as individuals while growing together. That you won’t know who each other is anymore. That you won’t have anything in common. And if you aren’t consciously making an effort to focus on your marriage throughout every stage of parenting, throughout every stage of business, throughout every stage of student life, all those things, you’re going to be empty nesters or retired or graduated and have an empty marriage as well.
After you listen to this episode I would challenge you to share it with your spouse, then sit down together and discuss it. Do you feel your marriage is a priority to both of you currently? What could you do to make your marriage more of a priority and to work towards building a stronger foundational relationship? I’m going to challenge you to be aware and be conscious of how you have this conversation. Don’t blame, don’t get defensive, be open and willing to listen, but also be cautious about how you communicate this. Rather than saying, “I don’t feel like you make time for me”, say, “I feel like we need to make more time for fun.” Make it a ‘we’ thing and make it how can we do this together.
Check out the show notes, I’m going to share a few little tools here in a minute, but for every single thing that I’m sharing, there is a post that dives deeper into this topic on my website. There are six posts that I’m going to link, and you can look at each of those individually, and then we’ll talk about them more in future episodes.
Here’s a little tangent side note that goes along with this. I spent eight years working for a structural engineering firm as their administrative assistant. I started as a receptionist and worked my way up. One of the projects that they were involved in regularly were seismic retrofits. Basically, they would go in and evaluate the building for structural integrity and determine how it could withstand things like earthquakes, for example. From there, a plan was made to shore up pieces of the building, sometimes stripping it to its foundation in order to ensure that the building would be able to withstand anything that came its way while retaining the historical significance, often its original beauty, and just what they wanted it to look like. These retrofits would bring structures “up to code”, meaning we know more now than we did when it was originally built, and here’s what it needs to be safe now.
Similarly, as buildings would have small indications of structural issues, like cracks in the foundation or in the walls, the engineers would go in and diagnose that problem, and then a solution would be put in place to prevent further damage. What does this have to do with your marriage? Think of this episode as the structural blueprint for your marriage. Are these things intact? If not, how can you bring your marriage “up to code” and create a relationship that will withstand the quakes of life? And that will be there just as beautiful and strong and historically significant as it was the day you got married. I have six things to share with you today to look at in your marriage to see if you have these intact and where you can improve.
The first one is communication. Communication is one of the most important things in your marriage relationship. And not just communication, but clear communication. This means that if your spouse says something you’re not sure you understood, clarify it with them. Even if you think you understood, clarify it to make sure you are both on the same page. Communicate your desires, your needs, your wants, your expectations. Talk about the things you’re interested in, share stories, and ask your spouse questions about their life, the things they’re working towards, and what they’re dreaming about for the future. Talk, talk, talk a lot, and talk often. And when your spouse is talking, set everything else aside and listen. In the show notes, I’m going to share some of my favorite conversation starter resources, and communication resources. Definitely dive into those more if you feel like communication is something you would like to work on in your marriage.
The next one is connection. This was one of our first episodes of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast. I will share it again. I remember when I was dating my husband, I would focus hard on my homework to get it done by the time he was off work. That way we could hang out together without me having to study while we did. Do you try just as hard to find time to spend together now as you did when you were dating? Are you constantly getting stuff done so that you can spend time together or setting everything else aside to spend time together?
I suggest, and I know a lot of other marriage professionals and therapists suggest, that couples spend 15 to 30 minutes together each day, just focused on each other, connecting over things that are not the business side of your marriage. You could connect working on a puzzle together. One of our favorites is going on a walk. You could do something simple like eating ice cream while you watch the sunset or sharing a drink in front of the fire. These things are things I talk about in episode three, connection. That’s where you can find more ideas for connecting in your marriage and creating daily connecting rituals. I also have a whole chapter in Beyond Date Night, my book, that talks about these connecting rituals and gives you ideas for doing this. And that connecting and communication piece can go hand in hand.
The next one is affection. Physical touch is powerful in a relationship, and as you know, not just when it happens in the bedroom. Affection should be something that just infiltrates your whole life. Find opportunities to show affection to your spouse as you walk past each other. Steal a kiss when you pass on the stairs, give their leg a squeeze when you’re sitting next to each other, brush your hand across the small of their back when you’re passing them in the kitchen. Don’t be afraid to pull them in for a long hug or a passionate kiss. Take every opportunity you can find to show your spouse how much they mean to you. I’m going to be linking in the show notes again, an episode on meaningful touch in marriage and different ways that you can bring more meaningful touch into your everyday lives as a couple.
The next one is one of my favorites, it’s compassion. Compassion, understanding, empathy, whatever you want to call it. I talk about this in a post I republished recently about helping your spouse through mental health struggles and talking about how we don’t always understand how each other feels. We don’t always understand what each other is going through, and even if we’re going through the same thing, we don’t understand how it is impacting our spouse. I recently listened to a podcast episode from a friend where they talked about how they were going through a miscarriage, and this made me think back on my own miscarriage. And I’ll link that post as well if you want to read it. But how my husband and I were both going through the same thing in different ways and it impacted us differently. And the way we both felt about it was different and the way that we both processed was different.
So when we think we understand, even when we think that we know what our spouse is going through, being willing to listen to them and just come at it with a compassionate heart, knowing that we don’t 100% understand and that things might be different for them than it is for us. One of my favorite Gottman quotes from the Gottman Date Night that I’ve been referencing a lot in these first episodes, my friend Nate Bagley asked Gottman what was one of his biggest takeaways from couples over his 40-plus years of research. And he said, “When your spouse is upset, the rest of the world stops, and you listen.” I think that’s so powerful, being willing to listen to each other, to have compassion and be understanding and recognize that we are not 100% going to understand what our spouse is going through, but we can have compassion and love and hold space for them.
My next one is respect, another kind of serious one. This one I think I’m going to talk about a lot in a future episode, but there is a post linked in my show notes called Mutual Respect in Marriage. I think that it used to be that respect was given to the husband, that just used to be a cultural norm, and now we’re turning more to both individuals in a marriage deserve respect. You’re in a partnership. You’re working together. The things that you do impact the other person. You might think that something you choose to do on your own, for work, is not going to have any impact on your spouse. But maybe your spouse relies on you being home at a specific time each night, or they plan on you being around for date night, family activities, to hold down the fort while they get their things done, or to be their teammate in housework, getting the kids to and from activities, etc.
Making your marriage a priority means that you check in with your spouse on a regular basis, that you keep each other informed of what is going on, and that you’re aware of how your individual actions and decisions affect your relationship, and how they impact your spouse as an individual. That you respect their time, you respect their feelings, you respect everything that they bring to the relationship. So like I said, definitely check out the show notes on this one, because I have a whole post that dives more into mutual respect in marriage, and it’s something I’ll talk about in a future episode.
Then my last one is one of my favorite episodes that’s been so far and that has been on fun. And I’m going to bring it up again because if your marriage is not fun, I’m gonna guarantee it is not a priority. That romantic, personal, playful side of your relationship is not a priority, and that just the business side of your relationship is. Life can be so serious and it requires a lot of our focus and attention. But I don’t want you to let the seriousness of life take over your relationship with your spouse. Have fun together on a regular basis. As I mentioned, the Gottman date night, Laura Heck, Gottman Certified Therapist, she says that you might be good at having fun alongside your spouse while you play with your kids or while you watch them do their hobby or you interact with them with other people, which is all great. But make sure you’re spending time participating in fun things together. That your fun is playing off of each other. Immerse yourselves in play as a couple by looking for ways to laugh and have fun together on a daily basis. And again, go listen to episode two of this podcast, and I will link another post in the show notes. This one is a big one and it’s one we’re going to continue to talk about, how to have fun in every season of life.
Making your marriage a priority doesn’t mean that your spouse and your relationship come first above everything else, always and forever, with no exceptions. To make your marriage a priority, you do need to put in the work daily and be conscious about those things you’re doing to make the relationship with your spouse stronger. It can be all too easy to set building our relationship with our spouse on the back burner, while we focus on other important things in our lives. Work, the kids, a side business, and even your own hobbies can take priority with their deadlines and needs.
I don’t want you to think that those other things are not important. That you can’t have hobbies because you need to focus on your marriage. That you can’t put your kids first because you need to focus on your marriage. It’s that elusive balance, but just finding ways to make time for those things. Because while all those things are important and definitely deserve our attention, if our marriage relationship is sacrificed so we can put everything we have towards those other things in our life, that’s a problem. And that’s where you’re going to come to whatever season of your life and realize, ‘Oh, we forgot our marriage, and now our marriage isn’t really there.’
Does your marriage have communication, connection, compassion, respect, affection, and fun? I am willing to be that even before I dove into the content of this episode, you had some idea of how you and your spouse were doing with prioritizing your marriage. If you feel like roommates, if you feel like everything else comes first, or if the things you would want to focus on in your marriage or that you try to do to focus on your marriage always get set aside when other things happen, this might be something that you want to evaluate in your relationship. And honestly, I would encourage even the strongest, most prioritized marriages, to find places and ways they can improve.
For the next two episodes, I’m going to help you do this more. This was just kind of an overall evaluation, dive into some of those things more in the show notes. But in the next two episodes, I’m going to look at what might be keeping you from prioritizing your marriage and how you can overcome or remove those obstacles. I’ll also spend an episode talking about how to get back to that connection you had when you were dating, when maybe it’s been a while and it might feel awkward to go on a date or to sit and talk about something other than the business side of your relationship. It can feel really vulnerable and too intimate for where you’re at in your marriage.
Send this to your spouse, invite them to listen, pull it up during your connecting time this week, and listen to it together. Then evaluate your relationship and where you want to improve. Check out the show notes, go back and listen to some of the other episodes, and come back the next couple of Mondays as we dive deeper because my goal is to help you create a marriage that you want to be in and that will last a lifetime.