A few years ago, I had someone ask me a question about how they should handle money in their marriage. And honestly, the question startled me. The gist of the question was whether or not their spouse should get a certain amount of “allowance” each month. The spouse wasn’t working at all, and the spouse asking the question was the breadwinner. The longer we talked, the more this conversation worried me. This couple wasn’t tackling the finances in their marriage as a team and it was causing a rift.
Last year, I was listening to a podcast that reminded me of this conversation and raised a red flag to me again. I wish I could remember which podcast it was, but I just remember the conversation. They quoted a percentage of couples who were divided on their finances. Mostly in marriages where one spouse is the breadwinner and the other makes a lot less or no money at all. In a lot of these marriages, the spouse who makes more money is the decision maker when it comes to the budget. And the other spouse is allotted money to use for the things they are in charge of, and their own personal spending.
I don’t have anything against each of you having an allowance or a set amount of fun money to spend as you please. As long as that amount has been agreed upon together and is the same for each of you. While I understand the thinking behind one spouse managing the money, I felt like I needed to address it. Because in a lot of the marriages where I’ve seen this happen, money has become a way to control the other spouse. And it becomes unintentionally abusive. If this sounds like your marriage, I would urge you to shift the way you handle your money so that you are a team in every aspect of your finances!
Some spouses are savers and some are spenders. Others don’t want to have to deal with the budget so in-depth or pay the bills. I’m not saying that you have to hold hands through every aspect of your finances. Because I know it makes sense to have one person managing the budget in most cases. But there is a certain way that your partnership has to work. Regardless of if one or both of you is in control of where your money is going each month.
Being a team means that you both are on the same page. You’re both in the know about what is going on. And you each have a say when a big purchase, potential debt, or other big money conversation comes up in your marriage.
When Joe and I got married, we were both working full time and we each had a part-time side hustle. During those first few years of marriage, it was back and forth on who was making the most money, depending on hours worked and raises we were given. But we always viewed our income as “ours” rather than “mine” and “yours”. Now Joe works full time and I work very part-time while running my blog on the side.
Joe definitely makes more money than me, but that change in income didn’t change how we viewed our money. If we’d gone into marriage in the work situation we are in now, I don’t think we would have treated it any differently. Knowing that we are in this together brings a new level of intimacy to our marriage. I would encourage you to find that in your marriage as well!
This is the umbrella piece of advice that will help you be a generally good team. If you don’t have a budget, or if you do have one but not both of you were involved in making it, sit down and create one. Talk about what your monthly bills look like. And how much do you think is a reasonable amount to spend on those more flexible expenses each month (groceries, eating out, entertainment, etc.)
Talk to each other before making any big decisions when it comes to money. Don’t go into debt without talking to your spouse about it first, even if it’s just under your name. Don’t make a huge purchase without talking about how it will affect your financial goals and your budget. All moves that involve money need to be talked about before they happen. Especially if it’s a change from your monthly budget that has been set.
Tip: I love this Financial Unity for Couples YouTube series from Pennies Into Pearls. It’s a great resource for helping you to be a better team with finances in your marriage.
This has been the biggest key to success with our financial goals in marriage. When we aren’t both in agreement on how much we’re spending each month, or what extras we’re paying for (ie streaming services), there is more tension between us. We try to sit down each time we get a paycheck and determine where that money needs to go. We talk about how much we have left to spend in specific areas of our budget. And we discuss if one or both of us feels like any changes need to be made.
Tip: We’ve been working through this Family Finance Rescue course from Pennies Into Pearls together. It has helped us to get on the same page with our financial goals, the attitude that we have toward money, and what we want our budget to look like.
I’m not going to say a lot about this tip, but I’ll link you to a post that talks about it more. Whether you’re going into marriage with your own individual debts. Or if you choose together to take out a loan after you’re married, treat those debts the same. Disclose your own debt before you get married! And make sure that you are in agreement on how it will be paid off. Tackling that debt as a team will help you pay it off faster and bring you closer as a couple.
Related: Viewing Debt as ‘Ours’ vs ‘Mine’ and ‘Yours’ in Marriage
We have a couple of different bank accounts, and each of our paychecks is deposited into a different account. But those accounts and that money is ours together. We don’t say “you pay for the bills and I’ll buy the groceries”. Or decide where our money is going based on what we each want to spend our paycheck on individually. We work together! As soon as that money hits our accounts, it is both of our responsibility to use it in the way that we predetermined together. Both of our names are on the bank accounts.
Related: How to Make Combined Finances Work in Your Marriage
Circling back to the original issue that prompted this post. Make sure that the two of you have money you can spend on whatever you want, no questions asked. We put our personal spending, or “fun” money into our cash envelope system each month. But I know other couples who do have their own accounts for their fun money. This is so they can use it as they please without justifying it on the budget later on.
My only caution to you, if you choose to have separate accounts for your fun money, is to be transparent about those accounts. Don’t hide money! Don’t start throwing funds into your account that your spouse doesn’t know about. Maybe you have a side hustle, and the two of you decide together that all of the money you earn from that gets to go into your personal account for you to spend how you want. That’s great; just make sure that it’s still a joint decision. And that you don’t start using that money to create your own hidden fund for one thing or another.
Also, make sure that you are in full agreement on how much you get to spend each month. Be sure that it’s equal, not dependent on how much you each make! If one of you doesn’t want/need as much to spend each month, then give that spouse less. But make sure you’re both on the same page about those amounts. This is the area where unintentional control or financial abuse can take place if you aren’t careful.
Related: How We Handle Personal Spending in Our Marriage
Whew! Thanks for letting me get on my soapbox for a minute. This is something that I feel strongly about and that I know can make or break a marriage. Finances are one of the most argued about topics of conversation in marriage. By making sure that you are a team you will eliminate a lot of those potential disagreements. And you will grow stronger as a couple!