I graduated with my Master’s of Education – Family Life Education emphasis in December 2022. For partial fulfillment of my degree, I put together a research project and wrote a dissertation. It probably comes as no surprise that my topic was relationship-focused. I looked at the impact of technology use on romantic couple relationships.
During my undergraduate studies, I researched partnership perception of media use and its impact on relationship satisfaction and communication. A lot of that project focused on the negative impact that technology use can have on romantic partnerships. As technology use continues to grow, especially with the events of the last few years, I wanted to take a more nuanced approach to how technology can impact a romantic partnership.
If you want to read my entire paper, instead of or in addition to this synopsis, click here.
I hear a lot of absolutes when technology use is mentioned in the relationship education community. Phrases like “smartphones are ruining marriages” and “if you play video games, your marriage is in trouble” are just a couple that I’ve heard uttered recently by marriage and relationship experts on social media. While technology can be a barrier to connecting in your relationship, I believe that it can also be used as a tool for strengthening your relationship. And that removing technology use completely isn’t the only solution to the barriers.
“Providing couples with tools and skills for media use will create a foundation for better communication and understanding in their relationship. Communication and boundary setting skills can help alleviate conflict, and couples will be better equipped to work together to find solutions to media use obstacles in their relationship. Introducing and emphasizing technology as a tool for romantic partners with real-life applications will help shift the narrative and perception of technology use between romantic partners from negative to positive. As technology and media use increase, couples will be prepared to increase communication, relationship satisfaction, and connection in their relationship.”
Amberly Lambertsen, M.Ed., CFLE. The Impact of Technology Use in Romantic Couple Relationships, 2022
My goal for this research project was to provide context surrounding how technology impacts couples. As a family life educator, I wanted to explore the barriers and the use of technology in romantic relationships. Family life educators can use the data to create and/or provide couples with tools, resources, and strategies for using technology to strengthen and enhance their relationship satisfaction, communication, and connection.
I asked four research questions. How are individuals using technology and media to strengthen their romantic relationships? How do technology and media use interfere with romantic couple relationships? What skills can family life educators provide to couples to help them create healthy boundaries and communicate about their current technology and media use? What tools can family life educators provide to couples to make technology and media healthy and connective tools in their relationship?
There are two different types of research, qualitative and quantitative. Quantitative is the numbers, the statistics, and the percentages that you see associated with many studies. Qualitative research looks at the story behind the numbers. These are the open-ended questions, interviews, etc. I am a qualitative researcher who loves to know the why behind the numbers. I see an increase in later-life divorces and I want to know what the reasons for those divorces are and what led up to those reasons. So with this study, I wanted to know the what and the how.
We designed a survey that asked participants how they use technology for good in their relationships, how technology use interferes with their romantic relationships, and what they’ve seen work to create healthy technology use in their relationships. There were some limitations in how the questions were worded, and things I would change if I expanded this study in the future, but that’s another story for another day.
Our survey received over 100 responses in less than a week. We kept the study smaller for time and ease of analyzing the data to get the project done on time. From the 100 responses, we pulled a randomized selection of 30 and conducted a thematic analysis. A thematic analysis looks at the responses to open-ended questions to identify themes and patterns that tell the story of the research.
Couples use technology to connect with each other. Connection was defined as times when the couple made an effort to use technology to build their relationship through communication and quality time. Respondents noted using various forms of technology to connect while they are apart by talking on the phone, video chatting, and sending connecting or flirty texts. Respondents also said they use technology to connect when they are together by playing games together, looking at memes, watching funny reels and videos, or participating in things such as online dancing courses.
Couples also use technology as a tool for strengthening their relationship with each other. Many listen to podcasts, use relationship building apps, find conversation starters and date ideas, and follow educational social media accounts. Some respondents mentioned using apps to stay on the same page. These apps might include calendaring, household task lists, grocery lists, etc.
Survey respondents mentioned times when technology use takes attention away from conversations, activities, or bids for connection in their relationship. We defined this as a “distraction to the relationship”. Phone use distracting from active listening and notifications taking priority were just a couple of things mentioned. We also found that respondents felt disengaged in their marriage due to technology use. Disengagement was defined as “an intimacy barrier–when technology was used to neglect relationships, conversations, or other priorities”. Individuals mentioned pulling out their phones as soon as the kids go to bed instead of connecting with each other. Other responses highlighted various ways couples use their devices when they could be working on their relationship whether in fun ways or working through disagreements.
Related: Is Technology Hurting Your Marriage?
When we asked survey participants what they’ve seen work to encourage healthy technology use in romantic relationships, a few things were identified. Boundary setting, communication, and intentional technology use were the themes we identified. Communication included verbalizing needs, concerns, and boundaries around technology use during couple time. Boundary setting was defined as “rules or limits to prevent unhealthy technology use from becoming a barrier in the relationship”. A few of the boundaries mentioned by survey participants included how long screens were used during specific times of the day, limiting the use of technology during family and couple time, having set areas of the home where technology is not used, etc. This might include removing technology in the bedroom, during date night, and at the dinner table.
Intentional technology use combines communication and boundary setting. It includes planned quality time as a couple using technology. It also includes set time for using technology alone that doesn’t interfere with connection time as a couple. Couples might have time each night when they sit together and share memes or videos they’ve found throughout the day. They might watch a show or listen to a podcast together and discuss it afterward. Intentional technology time will look different for each couple and individual.
Related: Four Boundaries to Set to Save Your Marriage from Your Smartphone
“Providing couples with skills for media use will create a foundation for better communication and understanding in their relationship. Those communication and boundary setting skills can help alleviate conflict, and couples will be better equipped to work together to find solutions to technology-related obstacles in their relationship. Introducing the concept of technology as a tool for romantic partners with real-life applications will help shift the narrative and perception of technology use between romantic partners from negative to positive. As technology and media use continue to increase, couples will be prepared to increase communication, relationship satisfaction, and connection in their relationship. ”
Amberly Lambertsen, M.Ed., CFLE. The Impact of Technology Use in Romantic Couple Relationships, 2022
Recognizing the barriers and strengths that technology use brings to your relationship is the first step to healthy communication and technology use. Being able to communicate with a shared goal of strengthening your relationship and eliminating conflict is another important piece. Boundary setting should include both partners and requires an understanding of the other person’s perspective and feelings about current technology use. You can also identify ways technology works as a tool for connection and create more opportunities for intentional technology use.
To read the full paper, click here. You can view the summarized research in poster format by clicking here. If you have any questions or thoughts, I’d love to hear them! Feel free to drop a comment or send me an email and we can chat more.