“I love technology, but not as much as you, you see!” (I hope you’ve seen Napoleon Dynamite. If not, you’ll want to watch it for that to make sense.) Technology makes our lives more convenient in many ways. Over the last year, I think we’ve all seen how beneficial and helpful technology can be in our lives. We’ve used many different technological resources to keep us socially connected. And to help us do the things we need to in our everyday lives. Technology has helped us work, continue with our learning, order groceries and support local restaurants, stay in communication with our family and friends, etc. It truly is a great tool to have access to in our everyday lives.
In September, we had hurricane-force winds in our area which caused widespread power outages. Our power was out for 25 hours, and the internet was out for another 24. During that time, cell phone data was extremely spotty as well. It was during that time that I realized how much I’d come to rely on technology. Not just for work and school, but to keep our family entertained as well. I decided that we needed to set better boundaries so technology was still a useful tool for our family, but not something we were relying on every minute of every day.
Romantic couples, in particular, can find that while technology helps them stay connected throughout the day and get many things done, it can also become a barrier to their relationship. My goal in sharing the tips below is to help you create more healthy boundaries, and get on the same page when it comes to your media use. So that neither of you is frustrated by the other spouse’s attention to their media and not the marriage, family, or tasks at hand.
Many couples have a rule that phones, laptops, tablets, and other media aren’t allowed in their room. Others have a “curfew” of sorts when they put their media “to bed” in another room. This allows them time and a space to connect as a couple. And to not feel like they come in second place to their spouse’s phone. You’ll see families doing the same thing with media-free traditions for the time they spend around the table, eating dinner. And some have technology-free days each week when phones, computers, etc. are set aside for a full 24 hours.
Sit down together, as a couple, and come to an agreement about what technology-free time and space your marriage needs. Make sure you are clearly communicating times and spaces where you feel media has become a barrier to your ability to connect as a couple. Don’t dictate boundaries or tell your spouse where their media is a problem. Blame and an attempt to be the one in control will cause resentment and more problems in your marriage.
When your spouse expresses concern over how often you are using technology, be willing to listen! It might not always come across in the best way, and can sometimes feel like they are attacking you. But underneath what might seem like an attack are feelings of neglect and disconnect. Be willing to see things from your spouse’s side. They may be seeing the only time you get to scroll social media during the day. But to them, it might feel like you’re always looking at social media when you’re together.
If you are the spouse who is voicing concerns about media use in your marriage, don’t blame or tell your spouse what they’re doing wrong. Approach the conversation from a place of, “I think some of our technology use is getting in the way of our marriage”. Then ask your spouse if they’re on board with setting boundaries you BOTH will follow to create more space for connection in your marriage.
Related: Boundaries to Set to Save Your Marriage from Your Smartphone
I love seeing the various ways that couples choose to use technology to connect and strengthen their relationship. In long-distance relationships, I’ve seen couples use technology to chat daily, email, and stay caught up on what’s going on in life, or even go on a date together from afar. Many couples text throughout the day, send photos, or share videos of the various things happening when they’re apart.
Find fun ways that you can use your phone and other media to connect more with your spouse. I might keep a folder of funny memes on my phone and send them to my husband randomly throughout the week. Or send him a video message to say “I love and miss you” when we’re apart. How you choose to use technology to connect is unique to your relationship and the two of you as individuals.
At the end of a busy day of work, parenting, and school, we will often turn to “Netflix and chill” in its literal meaning. We’re looking to decompress and relax together. And vegging out on the couch seems like the obvious way to do that. But there are a lot of other things you can do together that allow you to relax and connect at the same time. Try taking a couple of nights a week to do something that doesn’t involve media together. Or limit yourselves to one or two episodes of a show each night. And spend the rest of your evening doing something else fun together.
Related: 18 Things to do with Your Spouse, Other Than Watch TV
There are a lot of apps out there that have been created with the purpose of helping couples to strengthen their marriage. Whether you’re looking for conversation starters, new date ideas, intimacy tips, or prompts to help you love your spouse better. There is truly an app for everything, and your relationship is one of those! I’ve linked a list of some of our favorites below, and you can search your app store to see what else is available. Many apps will give you the ability to connect your account with your spouse’s to help you connect even more.
Related: 7 Apps Every Couple Should Have On Their Phone for Their Marriage
Many of us use media to unwind or take a breather during the day. Scrolling social media, playing a quick game on your phone, or watching an episode of a show you love are common ways that people wind down. When you’re wanting your spouse to pay attention to you and set other distractions aside might be the time they’re needing to check out for a bit. Allow them their space and their time.
Something that can help with this is to have a set amount of time each night for “alone time”. When you can each complete projects or do what you need to unwind. Then set time also to allow you to come back and reconnect as a couple. Ask your spouse if they are needing that break, and communicate your expectations, needs, and desires for distraction-free time.
Related: 5 Tips to Help You Connect More on Your Next Movie Date
When I think about my own day-to-day routine, I see technology playing a role in many of the things I do. I play music while I clean and while the kids and I participate in activities. My phone takes the place of a cookbook many times when I’m meal prepping. For school and work, I rely on video conferencing, email, and online portals to accomplish everything I need. Various media forms are very much a part of society and it’s next to impossible to live without them. But those things don’t have to come in between you and your spouse. Set boundaries and be conscious and intentional about the time you spend with your phone and the time you spend with your spouse. Your marriage and your family will thank you!