Today is World Mental Health Day. I get questions often about mental health struggles and marriage. I’ve gotten these questions from the spouse struggling with their mental health wanting to know how to best explain to their spouse what they are going through and how to help them. I’ve also gotten questions from the spouses of those who are struggling, wondering how they can best help and support the one they love. Today I want to address those questions and help those who are supporting a spouse with mental health challenges. Whether you or your spouse has anxiety, depression, or another mental illness/disorder, this post has been written just for you.
I have been fairly open about my own mental health struggles. A few years ago, I opened up about how my anxiety medication has made my life a million times better. I want to end the stigma surrounding mental health issues. They can make life a little more difficult, but if you are willing to reach out for help, and work to get the help you need, you will find that you don’t struggle as much as you once did. But even with my daily medication and self-care, there are some days that are still hard.
My mental health has had an impact on my marriage, not always in a positive way. But that’s not always because my husband hasn’t been trying to help. “The most loving thing we can do for our spouse is to learn to regulate our own anxiety.” – Dr. David Schnarch. I strongly believe that it is my own responsibility to care for myself and do what I need to keep my mental health in good shape. But having the support of a spouse, someone who knows you well and loves you deeply can make a big difference.
Related: How Working on my Own Mental Health Helped my Marriage
If you have your own struggles in life, share this post with your spouse. Discuss each point with them and how they can help you personally. If you are the spouse of someone who struggles, please take these tips into careful consideration. And discuss them with the one you love in a sensitive way. I hope that this post will help your marriage and make things just a little bit easier. Because I know firsthand, how mental health can exacerbate seemingly small issues, or create problems from nothing. Supporting a spouse with mental health struggles will mean the world to them!
Related: Things I Do Regularly for My Mental Health
We attended a date night event with John and Julie Gottman in September 2019. At the end of the night, John was asked if he could sum up his 40 years of research into one takeaway for couples, what that would be. What he said was powerful! The entire audience of over 3,000 people went completely silent while he was speaking. He said, “When your spouse is upset, the rest of the world stops, and you listen.”
When your spouse needs someone to talk to, be willing to just listen. Don’t try to solve your spouse’s problems or ask questions. Just be there to hear what they have to say. Sometimes we just need someone to hear our struggles and let us work through them out loud.
This can be a hard one! I am still trying to figure out exactly what triggers my anxiety. I have a general idea, but I’d love to know more so that I can start extra self-care and manage my anxiety when those triggers hit before the feelings of anxiety overwhelm me. Being on the outside of the situation, you can be a great help to your spouse, recognizing the triggers before they do.
Some of my triggers are a messy house, a rough day with the kids, too many changes to my plans, an overly full schedule, and not having a routine. There is a lot I can do to avoid those triggers on my own. But sometimes things are out of my control. If you notice that your spouse has been triggered, or see something coming down the line that is unavoidable and you know will create extra struggles, be willing to step up and help a little extra. Do what you can and what you know your spouse needs to help them manage those feelings that come.
During our church’s worldwide conference a few years back, something was said that I felt fit with this tip perfectly. Reyna I Aburto said, “Even if we do not know how to relate to what others are going through, validating that their pain is real can be an important first step in finding understanding and healing.” I know that it can be hard to understand why someone can’t just be happy or stop worrying when you haven’t been there yourself. You don’t have to get it to support and love them.
Validate that what your spouse is going through is hard and that you are sorry for their struggles. It’s as simple as that!
Related: How to Support Your Spouse and Help Your Marriage Survive Uncertain Times
I have been asked this question on more than one occasion. ‘What do you have to be anxious about?’ Unfortunately, these mental health struggles aren’t that easy. I follow Ashley Reeves on Instagram, and something that she said once really rang true with me. “Anxiety is a physiological response to your emotional state that logic can’t fix. Even if everything was “ok” your anxiety will convince you otherwise.” As the last tip suggested, accept that what your spouse is feeling is real. Without any need for a reason or explanation. Be there to support them even if you don’t understand why they feel the way they do. Their feelings are valid, whether they make any sense to you or not.
For the longest time, I didn’t think that what I was experiencing could be anxiety. They didn’t follow the stereotypical symptoms that I always heard people list. My anxiety shows up as anger, controlling behavior, no motivation, the need to clean anything and everything, and feelings of inadequacy. I’m also constantly overanalyzing the things that I’ve said or done and how they must have been perceived.
Don’t assume you know what your spouse’s mental illness looks like unless they have shared that with you. Ask your spouse what they are feeling, at the moment. Or on a good day, ask them to tell you what they experience when they’re having a bad mental health day or moment.
Admitting that you are struggling and asking for help is one of the hardest parts of having a mental illness. It took me a while before I realized that I had post-partum depression after I had my second baby. I felt like I hit rock bottom, I was always angry and my husband told me that I wasn’t fun to be around anymore. It sounds harsh, but it was just the kick I needed to get help. Until that point, I don’t think either of us realized that I was struggling beyond what I could fix on my own. I hated being around myself, and I needed help. That next step, setting an appointment and admitting to my doctor that I wasn’t okay was so hard. It took a lot of vulnerability and courage.
Lovingly approach your spouse about getting help. Whether that’s talking to a doctor for an initial diagnosis. Or meeting with a therapist during times when they’re struggling more than normal. Be willing to hold their hand and sit with them while they tackle the difficult task of asking for help. Love them, don’t judge them, and let them know that you are always there for them, no matter what.
Related: Dear Anxiety Medication, Thank You!
I am always grateful when my husband is willing to step up and do a bit extra because I am struggling. Or stop on his way home to pick up dinner because it’s one less thing I have to think about. I know that there is always more that we can do to support each other. My husband has had his own struggles, though not ongoing like mine, due to situations in his life. Even if your spouse doesn’t struggle on a regular basis with mental health, we all have moments or seasons in life when things get hard. Supporting your spouse with mental health obstacles and treating them with the care and importance that you’d hope they’d show you in return. These things will have a positive effect on them, you, and your marriage.