Stonewalling in marriage — Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson was an influential and well-renowned Confederate general during the Civil War. “Stonewall” Jackson earned his nickname during the first Battle of Bull Run when he instructed his troops to mobilize forward to close an opening in the battlefield. Reportedly, one of his generals commented that Jackson was “standing like a stone wall”, and thus, his nickname was born.
Today, stonewalling is a term that refers to negative communication patterns, where one withdraws, is evasive, or is uncooperative during discussion. Stonewalling is relevant in the political and legal realms, but is perhaps most applicable to marriages and interpersonal relationships.
In marriage, stonewalling occurs when one or both spouses shut down communication to deflect, delay, or avoid conversation, thus rendering topics meaningless or unimportant.
Research has shown that men are more likely than women to employ stonewalling behaviors. Researchers hypothesize that this occurs because the female gender is more adept at communicating her feelings. Whereas the male gender is often more detached from his emotions. Despite this finding, women are not excluded from stonewalling behaviors.
Stonewalling can present in several forms, including silence, other diversion tactics, or physical withdrawal. Stonewalling behaviors characterized by silence include complete unresponsiveness, the use of one-word answers, or when one is physically present, but purposely “tuning out” their partner.
Characteristic diversion tactics include acting busy on purpose, engaging in compulsive behaviors, responding back with questions, or when the subject is purposely changed to something extraneous. Physical withdrawal occurs when spouses remove themselves from a conversation by walking away.
Stonewalling can develop and arise from innocent or aggressive origins.
In its more innocent form, stonewalling is utilized as an avoidance tactic to escape negative feelings and emotions,
A stonewalling spouse usually presents as insensitive, immature, disinterested, and uncaring, but paradoxically, the opposite is often true. It turns out that spouses care very much, but are overwhelmed and become psychologically and emotionally incapacitated.
Innocent stonewallers perceive interactions to be stressful and thus may knowingly utilize stonewalling techniques to detach from themselves and relationships.
A co-worker of mine is married to a former stonewaller of innocent origin. For years, she was under the assumption that her husband simply did not care about her thoughts, opinions, or desires. After several years of discord, her husband finally agreed to go to therapy to work through childhood trauma, which allowed him to emotionally re-connect to himself and to the marriage. Although my friend felt bad that she had assumed the worst of her husband, she was relieved that this was not the case.
Before you start jumping to conclusions, try to be insightful about where your partner’s stonewalling might have stemmed from. Try to understand that it might have little to do with his love and respect for you and everything to do with his own emotional shortcomings.
The most toxic kind of stonewalling arises from aggressive and calculated means. An aggressive stonewaller does not respect their partner, utilizes the tactic to get their way, and is abusive and belittling to their partner.
The type of stonewalling is often disparaging and nullifies the emotions, remarks, and rights of their partner. A spouse may stonewall to hide something important, such as infidelity, a crime, or financial troubles.
Additionally, stonewalling could be an intentional ploy to withdraw from the relationship if they are looking to separate from or divorce their partner. In acute cases, stonewalling may be a symptom of a personality disorder, such as narcissism or sociopathy.
A friend of mine dated an aggressive stonewaller in college, although she did not realize it at the time. Her boyfriend would utilize the silent treatment when he was upset to coerce her to give in to his desires. Oftentimes, his tactic would work, as my friend would give in just to end the silent treatment. Unfortunately, the relationship became abusive and thankfully, my friend was finally able to see her boyfriend for the narcissist that he really was.
If you happen to be married to an aggressive stonewaller, do not be hesitant to reach out for assistance. Abuse is never warranted and should not be tolerated.
Despite the motive for stonewalling, its impact can be deadly on a relationship. A relationship cannot survive if one or both partners are emotionally checked out.
If left unresolved, stonewalling can precipitate increased tension and marital distress, while sometimes resulting in separation and divorce.
Stonewalling can have a negative psychological and physiological impact on partners themselves, as they can become susceptible to depression, illness, or other health-related issues.
Defeating Divorce recommends several techniques to assist you if your partner has emotionally shut down.
If you continually approach, they are going to continue to retreat, just as in the quintessential game of “cat and mouse”. Ensure that your partner knows that you will be ready and available for discussion whenever he deems himself emotionally available.
During this time, try to connect with the pain and hurt that is underlying your anger. Your emotional vulnerability may cause your partner to see you in a gentle, less intimidating, and more approachable light.
It is important to practice self-care to address and alleviate these feelings so that you can calm and rejuvenate.
Hobbies and interests, such as meditation, knitting, taking a walk, exercising, or reading, can be an excellent diversion.
Instead of arguing and criticizing, attempt to accentuate the positives in your partner and in your situation. Compliment your partner by pointing out what they do well.
Praise will not only make your partner feel good, but it will also give you an opportunity to practice gratitude and enter a more optimistic sphere.
Finally, despite all concerted efforts, if your partner chooses to stay defensive and permanently shut down, it is time to seek help. Individual counseling can assist you in exploring your feelings and allow you to take the necessary steps to move forward.
If your partner is willing, marital counseling can be a highly effective tool to identify unhealthy patterns in your relationship, address and resolve problems, and attempt to open up communication between you.
Interestingly enough, Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson was accidentally shot by his own men. He perished eight days later from complications from his wounds.
Similarly, when an individual stonewalls, in addition to attacking their partner with silence and blockade, they only serve to attack themselves by sabotaging and destroying the most important relationships around them.
