I talk a lot about things you can do to make your marriage more of a priority. But have you ever thought about the things you might be doing that make your spouse feel like they aren’t as important as they are to you? John Gottman says that the “magic ratio” for positive to negative interactions in a healthy and stable marriage is five positive to every one negative. If you’re working hard to increase the positive ways you are impacting your relationship, shouldn’t you also work to decrease those negative things? I know I don’t want to be doing things that are communicating to my spouse he is not a priority.
This post contains just a few, common actions that might make your spouse feel less of a priority to you than they are. I would encourage you to think through those things you are or are not doing in your marriage. And what those things are communicating to your spouse when it comes to their importance in your life.
Related: How to Save Your Marriage and Start Prioritizing It Again
You might not be intentionally avoiding your spouse’s attempts to get in touch with you. Do you often find yourself sending your spouse to voicemail? Or noting they’ve texted you and then not getting back to them for hours? You may be communicating that they are less than a priority to you. There does, of course, need to be a boundary for if and when they can call you while you’re working, in class, or something else that is a priority for you during the day. But along with those boundaries can be others for when they have an urgent matter and really need you to answer, regardless of what you have going on. Or maybe you have check-in times while you’re apart, so you both know when you’ll be available.
Date night, weekend getaways, sending flowers for special occasions, etc. are all great! But if those are the only times that you’re focused on your spouse in a romantic way, you’re not truly making your marriage a priority. My favorite Gottman quote says, “It’s the simple things done often that make the biggest difference”. This means that you have to pursue or “date” your spouse every single day if you are truly making your marriage a priority. Do the grand gestures, but don’t forget the everyday efforts to strengthen your relationship.
Related: Simple Ways to Make Your Spouse a Priority Every Day
Do you frequently find yourself dropping everything to go help others? Does your spouse often get left behind when they were planning on date night, helping with something at home, or just hanging out and spending quality time together? If it isn’t an emergency, step back and think before you jump to help someone the minute they ask. You might tell them instead that you had plans with your spouse. Then make plans to help them the next day instead. No need for them to know if those plans you have are non-refundable tickets to an event or a lazy night on the couch catching up on your favorite show. Regardless of what you and your spouse have planned, or what you’re in the middle of doing for them, it’s important to keep your commitment to them to show that they are a priority to you.
When something is routine, like our spouse emptying the dishwasher or taking out the garbage when it’s full, we can start to take those things for granted. Acknowledgment of the things that your spouse does around the house, for the family, and in your marriage can go a long way. Not showing gratitude for what your spouse brings to your life can cause resentment and make them feel unseen and unappreciated. To start I like to recommend that you start looking for three or four things each day that you are grateful to your spouse for. Communicate those things as you see them, write them down to share later, or create a sort of “gratitude journal” that you share with your spouse during your weekly meeting.
Related: Do You Take Your Spouse for Granted?
Tip: You might ask each other to pay attention to those things that make you feel like less of a priority in each other’s lives. Then plan to have a discussion about those things during your next marriage meeting. Go into that meeting with an open mind, recognizing that even if you don’t see it as a problem, it makes your spouse feel unloved so it’s valid and important to pay attention to. And bring your “griefs” to the table in a kind way, without attacking your spouse. Keep your meeting civil and take what your spouse says to heart.