Couples are often hesitant when it comes to scheduling sex in their marriage. I’m honestly an advocate for it! I don’t know about you, but in my life, if something isn’t on my calendar, it most likely isn’t going to happen. Those things that are important to me are added to my schedule! You can be scheduling sex in your marriage! Just like you would schedule your dates, a weekly marriage meeting, or time to watch your favorite show together.
Don’t let intimacy fall to the bottom of your to-do list, put it at the top! I hope these questions, and the answers that I provide, will ease some of your discomfort on this topic and remove any hesitation.
Related: 3 Things to do for Better Intimacy in Your Marriage
It’s another way to make your marriage a priority! I’m an advocate for putting date night on the calendar. And I think it’s a good idea to put intimacy on the calendar as well. Couples who schedule sex have been known to have more sex in their marriage than those who don’t. Sounds like a win-win situation to me!
If you’re one of those couples who has found that having kids around, living with other family members, your busy schedules, or any other obstacles have gotten in the way of your intimacy, scheduling sex in your marriage could be the answer! You can plan on a weekend afternoon when you’re both home and the little ones are down for a nap. Or you decide together that date night will always end with intimacy. Maybe it means that you both take a lunch break together in the middle of the week when you have the house to yourself. Be creative and work together to find solutions to reignite that passion in your marriage again.
Related: 11 Ways to Pull Yourselves Out of an Intimacy Rut
On the contrary, scheduling sex can make it even more fun! It might seem less spontaneous, but knowing that you have that to look forward to can be a benefit. Knowing that an intimate night is on the schedule gives you the opportunity to flirt throughout the day. You can send your spouse a text that lets them know you’re looking forward to spending the evening with them. Or share a peek at what you’re planning to wear for your bedroom date.
Not only can you build up the anticipation and excitement for your time together, but you can make sure you’re in the right mindset as well. Energy, room clean, to-do list completed, legs shaved, teeth brushed, etc. “Netflix and chill” doesn’t happen when you’ve been married for a while, the same way that it might when you’re dating and even newlyweds. There are so many other “business” things you’re focused on as an adult and a married couple. It can often be hard to shift into that mindset when it’s spontaneous.
Related: 8 Ways to Flirt with Your Spouse
How often the two of you have sex is completely up to you! I see people asking what the average is in various social media groups on a regular basis. I’ve seen answers that range from once or twice a month to multiple times a week. The only people who can tell you what’s right for your marriage are you and your spouse. It’s an important conversation to have, however, and should be done in a neutral space and time. Have your conversation outside the bedroom and not right after or before you are intimate. You’ll also want to take into consideration high desire vs. low desire in your relationship.
Related: How Often Should Married Couples be Having Sex?
When are you both available to make it happen? Is Sunday afternoon “nap time” something you can initiate in your house, and hide together in your room for some fun and a nap? Maybe you’ve decided that date night will always end with sexy time. Think about how your life is currently and what will work for both of you. And recognize that Sunday afternoon naps might not work for every phase in your life. So you’ll have to shift and adjust through your various stages in life.
Something I love is how Tony and Alisa of One Extraordinary Marriage have set up their “intimacy lifestyle“. It sets them up for having sex two or three times a week because that’s what works for them and their marriage. And rather than have set times that they have for their intimacy, they have a set few days when they’re each “in charge” of initiating during one of those “sets” of days.
Related: 30 Ways to Increase the Intimacy in Your Marriage
If you’ve always been against the idea of scheduling sex in your marriage, I hope you’ll consider making it as much of a priority as a date night or family dinners or anything else that you have regularly added to your calendar.
My friends over at One Extraordinary Marriage have an awesome post put together to help you approach the topic of scheduling sex in your marriage. In that post, they share three steps to scheduling sex in marriage. I think it’s a great resource, so rather than recreating that, I’m going to tell you to click here and read it. I’d also suggest grabbing the Intimacy Lifestyle Planner that will help you work through finding what is going to work in your marriage.