I get messages in my inbox on a regular basis asking me how to save a marriage. These messages generally come from wives, who feel like they’ve tried everything and there isn’t anything left to do. A lot of them have been to marriage therapy together and separately. They’ve tried to speak their spouse’s love language and make date night happen again. Basically, they feel like they’ve done all the things to save their marriage.
These messages always make me so sad. There are a lot of things I can’t address, not knowing their full story and only getting one side of things. And of course, not being a therapist and that being out of my scope of work. But I still want to help couples by providing them with a few tools. These tools will hopefully help them rebuild their relationship. And make it as strong, or stronger, than the one that they had when they were first married.
If my marriage were hanging by a thread, or even if I just felt like my relationship was struggling and I wanted to get it into a better place, there are four things that I would focus on. If I could get my spouse to commit to joining me in my efforts, that would be ideal. But I recognize that this isn’t the case in every situation. Even without my spouse participating alongside me and making efforts to save our relationship, I know that my individual efforts can make a difference!
Physical touch has a powerful way of connecting people and healing hurt in a relationship. Start small with a simple touch, depending on the severity of your disconnection. Long hugs and passionate kisses are amazing! But oftentimes a marriage is in a place where that may feel too intimate and make you both uncomfortable. Start small by sitting next to each other on the couch with your legs touching. Hold your spouse’s hand as you fall asleep or play footsie under the table at dinner. Over the course of the month, things will feel more normal and things like kissing will return.
Related: Why Your Spouse Needs 8 Meaningful Touches From You Each Day
The longer we are married, the more we tend to take our spouse and the things that they do for granted. This can cause resentment in a marriage if a spouse feels unappreciated. One simple thing you can start to do is find three to five things every day that you are grateful your spouse does. It might be difficult at first, but the more you look for those things, the easier it will be to find them.
Not only should you search for those things you are grateful for, but you also need to let your spouse know you appreciate them. Write a note, send a text, or even speak the words out loud. When our significant other feels seen and appreciated, our relationship will be better. As you look for the good things in your spouse and your marriage, your outlook on your relationship will change in a positive way as well.
Related: 20 Things to Thank Your Spouse for Daily
A lot of couples have become great partners in the roles they fill in life. But many have lost the romantic partnership that they had at the beginning of their marriage. The kids, money, work, and all those other “adult” things can start to take up the bulk of your conversations. Talking every single day, about your relationship and each other’s needs is important. I would suggest setting a time every day to talk to your spouse about trivial things. This could be their favorite show or a restaurant that they’ve tried recently and really enjoyed.
Sometimes sitting down face to face can put too much pressure on a conversation. I’d make a point to talk while you are on a walk, putting a puzzle together, working on a project, or cleaning up dinner. Every day your conversations will get easier and you’ll get to know each other again. You will be talking to connect instead of just to take care of the business side of life.
Related: The Best Conversation Starter Resources for Couples
Going on dates is one of the most important things that couples can do to increase their connection. Date night helps couples have fun and get back to who they are at the foundation of their relationship. I know that planning date night can be a challenge for couples throughout every stage of life. No matter what we are going through in our lives, I know that date night is one of the most important things we can do to “start over”. Put date night on the calendar and treat it like the most important appointment that you have planned, not changing it for anything. There may be weeks when you aren’t able to get out of the house together. But you can still get creative with your date nights at home and do something more than crash on the couch to watch a movie.
Related: Why You Need to Make Date Night a Priority in Your Marriage
There are so many things that a couple could do to rescue their marriage. But when it comes down to it, the simple things are the ones that add up to make the biggest difference. It’s the little things we do every day that let our spouses know we see them and love them and will always be there for them. Counseling can make a big difference in a marriage, but if you don’t make efforts every day on your own, those big gestures won’t be enough. Make the little changes mentioned in this post and you’ll save your marriage from getting stuck in a rut or going stale.