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In this episode, Amberly shares a four-step process you can use as a couple, every time you shift into a new season of life, to help ensure that you continue to make time for your marriage, make each other a priority, and that your relationship flourishes and grows through that season of life, rather than being put on the back burner, or even starting to fall apart in some way.
Season two of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast is officially here. And it will be more than 10 episodes long ‘ahem season one ahem’. I’m going to share more about our current season of life and why the podcast has been silent when it comes to new episodes later in this first episode. But I wanted to just dive right into the education and challenge content first because I’m sure you’ve all been waiting anxiously for, I think it’s been nine months since I recorded, and I’m back and it will be regular again.
I have been thinking a lot about changing seasons in weather, but also in life. Because September signals of big shift in seasons. Summer activities end, the weather changes, fall activities start, and it’s back-to-school time for families with kids. As my kids headed back to school a few weeks ago, the temperatures have been dropping and the air has started to feel like fall. I am like, Lorelai Gilmore, but instead of smelling snow, I feel fall. And even driving in my car, I’m like ‘The sky looks different, fall is coming.’ That aside, I’ve been thinking about seasons. With the shift in seasons, there is always a shift in routines. Setting new routines and intentions is huge this time of year, especially for families with kids in school. But what does that have to do with marriage? I will gladly tell you!
Helping couples make their marriage a priority throughout every stage or season of life is my goal at A Prioritized Marriage, which you may know. Some stages or seasons of marriage and life can be counted on to happen, like the changing seasons of weather throughout the calendar year, depending on where you live. A lot of the seasons we see in our lives for expected; like becoming parents, retiring, the kids leaving home. Although they are expected and follow an almost natural life cycle, those seasons come on their own timeline and come with unique challenges. And mini-seasons, as I call them, that impact our family dynamic and at the foundation, our marriage.
In my own marriage, we’ve experienced some of these mini seasons or I’m going to call them unexpected storms within an expected season. (Really going with the theme here.) These have included the three weeks that our second baby was in the NICU with no expected timeline and a 16-month-old toddler at home. We have both done school, but on a very different timeline than is normal for couples. We’ve done it later in our marriage with house and kids and responsibilities we wouldn’t have had, if we had done college on the common timeline in our early twenties. We also have house and yard projects, both planned and unplanned that have become their own seasons in our marriage. I could continue to list unique seasons and mini “storms” within the 14 years of our relationship for the rest of this episode, but I won’t.
I’m sure you can think of the unique seasons you’ve been through as a couple, as well as identify the ones you are in now. And I hope you will continue to do that through this episode and as you put this episode into practice in your own life. Those seasons stages and circumstances impact the way you live your lives as an individual, a couple, and as a family unit. They require an adjustment of priorities and shifting of routines just as your wardrobe changes when fall arrives and pulling out all the sweaters and the boots, and your daily routines shift when the kids head back to school, you can and should make adjustments to the things you do that make your marriage and your spouse a priority during the ever-changing seasons of life.
So I’m going to share a four-step process you can do as a couple, every time you shift into a new season of life to help ensure that you continue to make time for your marriage, make each other a priority, and that your relationship flourishes and grows through that season of life, rather than being put on the back burner or even starting to fall apart in some way, because of what you’re going through. It should be easy, I hope, to set aside some time and work through the conversations I’m going to give you to help you reset your intentions and prioritize your marriage when you hit those expected seasons of life. As you become parents when the kids start school each year, when the school year ends, and when the kids are home for the summer, if one of you gets a new job or your job schedule changes when you retire, etc.
When you know something is coming, you can plan ahead. But I also hope that as you recognize you’ve hit an unexpected season of your life, you’ll be able to go through these questions, these conversations, these steps, and adjust what you are doing so that you can continue to make time for the things that are important to you, which hopefully include your marriage. Again, it doesn’t matter how expected or unexpected a season or situation is in your life. It doesn’t matter if it will impact your regular routines for a day, a week, a month, or even a year, I want to encourage you to discuss and adjust. Also if you’re not singing it’s okay. That show is not my top show either, but the song goes through my head when I say that, “a day, a week, a month, or even a year.” It will take conscious intention when you’re starting, but after you’ve done this for a while, it will come as naturally as choosing what to wear for the day based on the weather forecast. Again, leaning hard into this “seasons” theme.
I want to share an example with you before I happened to this four-step process I’ve created. Almost 10 years ago, my husband got asked to help with the Scouts in our neighborhood, which led to our first time being apart overnight in our marriage and for multiple days at a time. The first time he left for a week of scout camp I didn’t have any plans for connection, except that we would go on a date the weekend after he got home. My husband was at scout camp without service for a week, and I was at home with our baby working and maintaining my life routine, but without him to chat with or see at the end of each day. I remember he called me mid-week on the phone from the scout desk and I was so giddy about it, like a school girl, and it sustained me for the rest of the week until he got home. I couldn’t talk about anything else, probably annoyed everyone in my life, but I have no regrets. We went on our date night when he got back from that first scout camp and reconnected and all was good, although he was a little tired for that date night because being with teen boys for a whole week is exhausting. Ironically, I wrote an entire blog post about the first experience of spending a significant time apart for the first time. I think I called it, the absence made my heart grow fonder, or something cheesy like that. I’ll link it in the show notes for your enjoyment if you want to read more.
Fast forward to last week. My husband was gone for work for three days. We have spent many chunks of time apart, four days up to a week throughout our marriage, since that first time. This time he had service and it wasn’t as long, and my older kids are ish easier to manage at home on my own than babies and toddlers were. But those three days still disrupted our routines for connection and making our marriage a priority. Things I do now when I know my husband’s going to be gone, or maybe when I’m going to be gone myself, include buying and sending him or leaving special treats or snacks. Writing a note and hiding it in his backpack or where he’ll find it while I’m gone. Connecting via text or sending reels and memes to each other on social media more than normal throughout the day. And video chats when our schedules match each day. As well as planning time for us to connect more deeply when we get home, and sometimes before we leave. That might look like a lunch date or a fun hangout at home or just chill time when we can sit together and be together after we get home, rather than having our normal things to do.
It still takes intention almost 10 years later to connect after we’ve been apart and while we are apart. But those times when we’re apart for a while are less disruptive to our marriage than they were in the beginning and the intention comes more naturally to me. Almost like checking to see what the weather is before I choose my outfit for the day because you don’t want to go out in shorts and flip-flops when there’s a blizzard outside, I may or may not have done that. Sometimes. Unexpectedly.
Okay onto the part I promised, that four-step action plan to help you make your marriage a priority in every season of your lives together.
First, evaluate and assess! What is working well right now? How do you each feel you are connecting well? And where do you each feel a lack of connection that may have been there in past seasons or may not have been there in past seasons? I also like to tell couples to think about what worked when they were dating or first married and what was working well before the most recent shift. Make a list, write it down, and seriously discuss this together. It shouldn’t be a blaming conversation or one where you tell each other you’re failing. This should be an us against the problem conversation where you both recognize that something is in the way of making time for your marriage in this season and you work together to find a creative solution. After you identify your obstacles and know where you want to make adjustments and what has worked in the past, plan creative solutions to the problems you found using what you know works to help you connect in a way that fits with your current season or situation in life.
I’ll share another example related to the one I just shared about us being apart. Last week, my husband was gone for work again. We also had a really busy weekend planned after he got home. It was going to be filled with family time and events. We could have easily put date night on the back burner that week, but I knew that we wanted that time to connect and we weren’t going to get it within our regular timeframe. And it was not going to happen if we didn’t intentionally make that time. So I put a lunch date on the calendar for us. I was also more intentional in my efforts to connect with him at the end of each day, be affectionate while we were together even when we were with others, sit by him in the settings we were in, etc.
Second, create routines! I’ve said this in an episode before, and I’ll probably say it again. Making time for your marriage needs to be part of your routine, but it shouldn’t become routine. What I mean by that is if you don’t have making time for your marriage in your routines, the way you do your lunch break, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, or other things, then it is a lot less likely to happen. However, if those things you do to make time for your marriage become too routine, like brushing your teeth or getting dressed, they won’t be impactful or create that connection you’re working for.
Creating routines will be especially important in a season of life with an unknown timeline, like when our baby was in the NICU. Or a season of life that is a major shift and will last quite a while, like when one of you gets a new job or starts another semester of school and your schedule is all disrupted. Even in short seasons that disrupt your regular routine, you can create new routines to work for that brief time. When my husband or I are gone overnight for work, we have created a routine of whichever one of us is gone video calling the other to chat with the kids “face to face”. And then we have a fun ritual slash routine of giving the kids a tour of wherever we’re staying, which always has to include the toilet. Don’t ask me why, but they always must see the toilet. It’s different than our after-school or bedtime routines, the regular ones we have when we connect with them each day, but it serves the same purpose in a way that works for that brief situation we find ourselves in a few times a year, rather than just saying, sorry, I’m not going to get to chat with you today.
In next week’s episode, I’m going to hone in on routines that you can set to make your marriage a priority in various seasons of life. It will include connecting rituals, regular dates, nights, etc. So be sure to come back and listen to that episode or queue it up after this one if you’re listening at a later date. These will be things you can make happen throughout your entire marriage, no matter what season or situation you find yourselves in and I will share creative ways to adjust those routines to fit every season of life.
Third, set reminders! Add it to the calendar, set alarms, etc. When I say this, I think about scheduling sex and the pushback that comes when that’s recommended. It sounds like it takes the fun and spontaneity out of things, but it makes them better and more intentional, trust me. I’ll link the post on scheduling physical intimacy in my show notes for you so you can read it and think about it with all of the other pieces of making time for your marriage as you implement this four-step process.
But going back to the change from summer vacation to back to school, I see reminders or mentions of setting alarms when the kids go back to school for the year or after long breaks for the holidays, or like spring break. For myself, I set alarms for when it’s time for me to get up and get everyone going, five minutes before the kids need to head out the door so we can start getting ready, 15 minutes before they get home so I can wrap up my projects and be ready with a snack, and even for my lunchtime and for bedtime.
Putting things like date night, marriage business meetings, or other things you’ve committed to for each other on your calendar keeps that space for them. You will be less likely to accidentally schedule over them, push them aside, or even just forget when it’s on your calendar where you see it and are reminded. Having alarms set can help you prepare for what you have planned again, making sure you don’t forget, and will signal a shift from anything else that you have going on into that time you’ve set aside for your marriage. I love putting planned date nights on our calendar and inviting my husband with his personal email. And then when it’s a lunch date or something that impacts the time he’d normally be at work, I will invite him with his work email as well, so it shows up in both of those spaces he has set for himself, to remind him what he has planned.
Maybe you set an alarm to set something aside at the end of the day and connect with your spouse, like a project you’re working on. Or maybe you set aside a certain amount of time each day to connect and setting a timer when you sit down to connect helps you to be fully present in that moment, and not be continuously checking the clock to make sure you get to that other thing you need to do, or that event you have committed to, while still making time for your marriage.
The final part of this plan is to do it! Don’t wait! Put those things you have discussed and decided on, and put on the calendar, and set alarms for into action. It won’t always be perfect or go the way you planned, but making the effort is the first step to success. When something goes awry, don’t say “Too bad, so sad”, find a way to adapt. Last week, my husband, wasn’t able to do our scheduled lunch date that I mentioned earlier, so I found a different way to connect. And we were able to connect amidst the routine disruptions that we were experiencing. You can also go back to step one and start the process over if something you thought would work, isn’t working for one reason or another.
If you are making every effort to connect, it will happen, even if it doesn’t look the way it would in an ideal situation or your ideal version of the unique situation you find yourselves in. How was that for a four-step plan, do you think you can do it? My challenge for you this week is to do just that, use it! Listen to this episode with your spouse, read through the show notes, and find a way to implement what I shared in your current season of life. Even if you feel like you do a really great job of connecting and making time for your marriage, or you are in the dream season of life. for making your marriage a priority, find one place where you can improve. And then tell me about it.
I want to hear how this four-step plan works for you, how you put it into action, and then if it made a difference in your marriage. Shoot me a message on social media. You can leave a comment on this episode, I think, or send me an email. I am going to apply this myself, intentionally involving my husband, as we continue to adjust to the kids being back at school, his new semester starting for his master’s program, and my work schedule shifting with the season and some changes that I have with work. And then I’m going to report back in my Instagram stories, so be sure you’re following me @aprioritizedmarriage on Instagram and you can hear about it there.
Then come back next week and I’m going to give you those routines that you can put in place in every season of marriage to more easily make time to connect with each other. I’m also excited because I’m going to be interviewing one of my favorite family life educators, who works with couples in various stages of life, for an episode that will air later this month. And it will tie to this topic beautifully.
Okay, now I want to share with you where I’ve been since the last podcast episode posted in December. Why has A Prioritized Marriage and the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast not been a priority for me? In short, life. I have not been able to make those adjustments to my routine, and the season and those things have been ever-changing to the point where this space has not been able to be as vibrant and as elective as I would like. I work for our local land grant university extension and I work 40 hours for them a week and things there have been a little bit chaotic and have taken a lot of my mental energy. I love, love, love it but at the end of the day, I have not had the creativity that I needed and wanted to show up in this space in a quality-over-quantity way. I have recorded a few podcasts and they just have never gotten to the point of being posted, so I will save those and post them as it feels right in season two.
My kids have been busy, and just normal parenting things have come up. My husband has been in his master’s program and that looks different every seven weeks as he starts a new class. He’s been gone a few times for work. We’ve had house projects. We’ve had family things. The things that are a priority priority for me, which is my marriage and my family have had to come first, as well as my health. If you follow me on Instagram or social media, you may know that I had a very large kidney stone this year. It started bothering me around the new year, around Valentine’s Day. I ended up super sick at some point. Our kids had strep so many times it’s ridiculous, until school got out. And we’ve been trying to make more time for fun.
So in short life has been busy and chaotic. And also I haven’t taken the time to sit and put my own four-step plan into place when it comes to this space and the local date night websites that I run. But that is changing. My work schedule has shifted a little bit, my kids are back in school, and I am ready to be able to make this space a priority again. So I am very happy you are joining me for season two and will continue to join me for many seasons in the future is my plan. I’m excited to interview some great marriage and relationship experts and share their knowledge with you, and I’m just excited to keep it going. And as we’re getting to this, the kids are getting home from school. So I need to shift into the next part of my routine, go do snacks and homework, and I will see you guys next week.