Listen: Apple // Spotify // Amazon
Deciding how to spend your time for the holidays, which family traditions to participate in, and making sure that you get quality time with each of your families while leaving room in the schedule for quiet nights at home and your own traditions can be a challenge. That challenge doesn’t end with the holidays though. It’s a year-round, lifelong situation that you will always have to think about. In this episode, Amberly shares five discussions you can have as a couple to set your priorities and boundaries each holiday season, and for time you spend with your families throughout the year.
In this episode of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast, I wanted to talk about something that I’ve been thinking a lot about and that I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been thinking a lot about. And that is how to divide time with your family during the holiday season and not just during the holiday season, but all year round.
December is a month of holidays, right? We’ve got Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, and we’ve also just had Thanksgiving, Dia De Los Muertos, Diwali, there are holidays for every culture and religion this time of year between Halloween and Christmas. In the last episode of Prioritize Your Marriage, I talked about this a little bit and I talked about how you can make your marriage a priority during the holiday season between Halloween time and New Year’s.
One of the big pieces of the holidays is family time. And so, while I focused on things you can do for your marriage, I wanted to talk about boundary setting and priority setting that can help you decide how much time you’re going to spend as your individual family unit, how much time you’re going to spend with your individual families, and how much time you’re going to spend with extended families.
I think that this can be a challenge when you’re married and it’s especially a challenge as your own individual families change, and your little family unit changes, and as others in your family get married and have kids. Deciding how to spend your time for the holidays, which family traditions to participate in, and then making sure that you are getting the quality time you want with each of your families, while still leaving room in the schedule for quiet nights at home and your own traditions like we talked about in that previous episode can really be a challenge. And unfortunately, that challenge doesn’t end with the holidays. Maybe this is fortunately because it’s something that you can think about year round and have in place for the holidays because it is a year-round, lifelong situation that you will always have to think about.
If only it were as easy as figuring things out the first year you got married and sticking with those same plans for the rest of your life. But as you will find, as I have found, and as I’m sure a lot of you have found as well, as your family grows and moves through each stage of life, those traditions are going to change as well, not just for your individual family unit, not just for your marriage, but for your individual families as well and for your extended family.
So I wanted to share with you some discussion questions that I put together that you can ask yourselves to help you more easily make the decisions on how your family is going to spend your time and how you’re going to ensure you have time for your marriage during the holiday season. I’m going to also share some of the things that we do now and how we have split our time between my family and my husband’s family during the holidays and throughout the year, as well as how that has changed throughout our marriage thus far. We have been together for 14 years, 13 of those holidays have we’ve been married and so things have definitely changed for us.
The first question I want you to ask yourselves is what is the most important part of the holiday season for you? This is you as individuals, this can be you as a couple, and this can be for you your kids, and for your little family unit. Our focus during holidays is being grateful for what we have, celebrating the birth of Christ, because that falls within our religion, and spending quality time with those that we love most. We also want to enjoy the holiday season without feeling too overwhelmed or exhausted when it’s over. We want the holidays and our time with family to be relaxing and enjoyable, and not something that we wish we’d had less of or that we need a vacation to recover from. So when we are planning our activities and committing to events around the holidays and throughout the year, those are the things that are our priority.
One thing that we decided early on in our marriage is that for the Christmas holiday, when there are so many parties to attend, we want to make sure that we make time for our own traditions as a couple and as a little family unit, and plan our celebrations with each of our immediate families before we commit to any other events. That is one boundary that has continued to stay in place and that I think will ring true through the rest of our marriage. This is what we think about as we go into the holidays; what do we want to do as a couple? What do we want our little family unit to be able to do? And what time do we want to spend with our immediate families? And then from there, we plan other things.
This means that sometimes we miss extended family parties or work parties, which can be disappointing because those are fun and we want to attend them as well. Some years we’re able to attend some extended family parties some years we’re not. Some years we’re able to attend work parties, some years we’re not. Some years we’re doing things that are important to one of us on our own while the other person tends to some of the other priorities. Because we know that we’d regret missing those things that we’ve determined are the most important to us. And that trying to do it all would wear us out and make it hard to enjoy other things that are most important to us. So I think that the most important thing to do is to decide what is the most important thing for you. And this doesn’t just have to be for the holiday season. I think it’s important to look at the holiday season because that’s when things can get overwhelming.
But what do you want your family’s focus to be? What do you want your priorities to be as you move throughout the year? We talk about this all the time when we’re talking about date night. Date night is a priority. Does that mean that it always has to happen on Friday night from 6 to 9 p. m.? No, if you have something that comes up on Friday from 6 to 9 p.m., maybe in some seasons of life, that’s when you have a babysitter and that’s when you can go on a date night and you’re going to say no to everything else. Just this last week, we had things we wanted to do as a little family on Friday night and have a December 1st party. And then we wanted to support my niece and her hockey game on a Saturday night when we usually would have gone on a date. We could have gone on a date on a Saturday day but I knew my husband had a lot of things he was trying to get done for school and finishing up finals and I had a lot of cleaning that I wanted to catch up on after some crazy weeks for me personally and for our family. And so we ended up going on a lunch date in between my teaching classes one day and my husband on his lunch break. We still made date night happen, but we did it in a way that worked for us. So knowing your priorities and looking at your week, your month, your holiday season, your summer, and where that’s gonna fall.
My second question for you is which activities or traditions are non-negotiable for your family unit? This kind of is similar to question one, but not. In the early years of our marriage, Christmas became a busy day of rushing back and forth for us, and that was okay for that season. But after we added kids to the picture, we set a boundary that Christmas morning and day were times when we would stay home and focus on our little family traditions. We wanted to make sure that we had some Christmas Eve traditions and some Christmas Day traditions that were just ours as a family and we knew exactly what we wanted those to be and that time was non-negotiable for us.
So we let both sets of grandparents as well as some aunts and uncles know that they are more than welcome to stop by to see what our kids got for Christmas or enjoy breakfast with us. And we kind of play that by ear depending on what time we get up in the morning and we’ve, when we’ve done all the Christmas magic and when we feel like our family is ready for visitors. And they get to stop by and see what the kids got for Christmas, they can join us for breakfast, or they can just say hey, but we don’t go anywhere until late afternoon on Christmas day. This allows us to enjoy the magic of Christmas morning, and like I said, take things slow and create some Christmas traditions of our own.
Having decided that was a non-negotiable for us makes it easier to arrange plans with our families and not feel frustrated about a lack of time. Our own little family. Maybe you have a specific place that you go to, an event that you participate in every year as a family. Make sure that you have that on the calendar, and that’s a non-negotiable. Most of our non-negotiables are kind of flexible like a Christmas lights drive and making sure we have time to sit in front of the tree and drink hot chocolate. But there are some things like that Christmas morning tradition that are more set in stone.
My third question for you, and one that we’ve just started to think about recently, is how much time do you want to spend away from home for different events? Do you ever find yourself spending an entire day or night at an event? Does it ever feel like you have spent your entire holiday season out of, out on the town, or at other people’s houses, rather than in your own home? Chatting with family you don’t see often, game nights, and other festivities are great opportunities for quality time and might be a priority for you. But if they start to feel like a burden on your time, then they won’t be fun for you or your family anymore and they can start to encroach on that relaxation time. or the time when you would have opportunities to do other things together.
One year I decided that for each event or activity that we had planned, we would also plan a return home time. This was kind of when our kids were a little bit younger and bedtime was a solid need or we needed time to decompress because they got overstimulated. And so Joe and I would discuss each occasion individually and decide together how long we wanted to stay out for each one. We determined that based on how far we had to travel, the weather forecast, bedtimes, toddler nap times, and even family situations that weigh on us mentally. Being on the same page and knowing that we won’t be gone forever allows us to enjoy the holiday season and doesn’t leave us wishing for a long vacation after it is all over.
If you have family that you want to longer time with…. This has happened sometimes on family vacations where the kids need to go to bed and Joe needs to decompress but I want to stay and hang out and play games with my family. We’ve negotiated that and he’s gone and done the bedtime thing or I go do the bedtime thing with him and then after the kids are in bed I head back out and go with my family. And that can be something that you choose to do as well.
I kind of wanted to touch more on the rest and relaxation piece of our priorities because I know there are a lot of people that are in that very young kid’s stage of life. We had an experience in one of our first years as parents when we planned for fragmented naps in the car on our way to and from different family activities that were planned. And that just didn’t work for our kids. So by the end of the day, both of our young kids, a newborn and a toddler at the time, were so tired that they weren’t able to enjoy the party we had planned with immediate family later that evening or even the next day. And those were one of those events we decided was important to us and we didn’t want to have to cut that time short because of tired kids, because of things that we decided to do earlier on.
And so from then on, we decided that naps a decent bedtime, and time to just rest and recoup were non-negotiable for us. And so we’re better able to enjoy the holiday activities that we have planned when we schedule that into our day And I do talk about that a lot in that previous episode on scheduling time and days that are just downtime. But doing that for your family as well.
Another question I have for you to think about is what does equal time look like when you’re splitting your time between both families? We are lucky that our families are understanding of the time that we spend with each other’s families. And I don’t feel like anyone’s ever felt like they get the short end of the stick. We trade off years that we spend With each family for Thanksgiving, but because our families live a couple of blocks away from each other, we’re usually still able to see both of them on that day, but the one whose year it is not doesn’t get offended or upset if we only have a few minutes to stop by or we decide that we’re just too tired after our planned festivities and are going to go home instead. For Christmas, we’ve split Christmas Eve and Christmas Day evening based on our different family traditions. And any time we spend with them in addition is the cherry on top and sometimes there is that time.
Something that we consider is that whenever all of my siblings are home for the weekend or for the holidays or for a special occasion, we actually fit in a little bit more time with them than we might with Joe’s family. My siblings and our significant others are only all together a few times per year, and so we spend extra time together when we are. But we see my husband’s siblings and their kids almost every single Sunday. And so the balance of time works out in the end, even if it doesn’t look equal in the moment. And we don’t feel bad if we’re with one family more around the holidays than the other. Because we know, and they know, that we’re trying to divide that time equally and that we’re trying to make sure we get a good amount of quality time in with everyone.
Another question, a lot of these things have talked about living near family, but how can you divide your time if you live far away from your families? We definitely treasure the time that we get to spend with each of our families, and we feel blessed that we live so close so that we don’t have to spend the holidays completely away from one family or the other. If your families live miles apart, or if you have a blended family, that adds another level of events to your holidays and sometimes an extra level of complication. You might have to be more creative and intentional with how you spend your time. I would suggest that you talk to other couples in situations similar to yours and find out how they do things, then take that into consideration when you’re making your plans. And I’m not saying adopt exactly what they do, but finding out how others have made it work, and then deciding what you can take from that to make it work in your own family, in your own marriage, is great.
The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but they can easily become the most stressful time of the year as well. Do you agree? When you bring family together, things can be difficult and feelings can get hurt, and that’s not just from interactions you’ve had, but from time that has or not spent together. Deciding on some of these things ahead of time and communicating those decisions respectfully to your families will hopefully relieve some of the tensions that couples experience and that you as a family experience when you feel like you’re trying to keep both families happy during the holiday season and throughout the year. It is stressful and there’s tension and you can feel like you’re going to be the one to hurt feelings.
But being able to set those boundaries and say this is what is important to us as our little family and our family union. And some of these things don’t match the traditions that we’ve had growing up or the things that you feel are the most important. But also taking into consideration what your parents might feel are the most important and trying to fit those into your priorities can go a long way, even if you can’t make it all work.
Remember that things can change, your current season of life is temporary, and the next season might open up more room to do more of the things that you wish you had time for in your current stage of life. We often leave family a lot earlier than most people because our kids have to get home to bed or else the next day it’s just gonna be not fun for everyone. So saying we’ll see you guys again tomorrow we’re not gonna finish the rest of this activity with you is better than saying we’re gonna finish the rest of this activity with you and tomorrow we’re gonna see you but you’re gonna have to deal with the grumpiness of our kids and none of us are gonna like each other when it’s over.
My challenge to you this week after listening to this episode is to sit down and have this conversation, these conversations, even if it’s something you’ve talked about before. How have your priorities changed or shifted over the years or because of current situations in your marriage? You can look back and reflect on previous holidays on what’s worked well and what hasn’t and what you can adjust based on what has worked well and what hasn’t. Start with this holiday season, by setting boundaries and priorities where you still can. I recognize a lot of things are already planned. Then talk long-term about how those priorities and boundaries will look throughout the year or at times during the year when your lives are family tradition heavy.
Next year, I would encourage you to re-listen to this episode in September or October. Make a little note on your phone calendar that says re-listen to this episode of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast and drop the link in there. And then have those conversations with each other before you start scheduling for the holidays. These aren’t just holiday conversations. You can have these conversations before family vacations, when everyone’s coming to town, if you’re going to visit family, etc. Set your boundaries and priorities. How much time do you need as a couple? How much time do you need alone as your family unit? How much time do you need to rest and recover so you’re able to have fun? Where do you need to fit that time into the timeline that everyone else has planned?
Set those boundaries and priorities and address the expectations of those around you from that perspective. You don’t always have to justify your decisions either. And this is something we do a lot, but simply saying, that won’t work for us, but here are some options that will. Or, I’m sorry, we won’t be able to attend this year or time, or we won’t be able to participate in this activity are acceptable. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
I would love to hear from you. So, send me a message on Instagram or Facebook and tell me what boundaries you currently have, or what you’ve thought about after listening to this episode. I’m going to have this conversation a little bit in stories, and I want to hear from you.
I hope your holiday season is filled with fun, connection, and moments that lead to memories later down the road and that you end this holiday season feeling fulfilled and like you had the time that you wanted with those who matter the most to you and that you got to participate in those traditions that are important to you and that you’re ready to head into the new year refreshed and connected and continuing these boundaries to create those better connections moving forward.