Listen: Apple // Spotify // Amazon
In this episode, Amberly discusses increasing intimacy in marriage. We often use the word intimacy in reference to sex, but intimacy has a much broader definition and meaning. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable. It increases in the time that you spend connecting with each other, and it has many different facets. Can sex be intimate? Of course. Does intimacy in marriage include sex? Most definitely. But intimacy is so much more than the act of being physically intimate.
Episode four of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast. The final episode in these first introductory episodes of A Prioritized Marriage’s podcast, Prioritize Your Marriage. I have to remember that the wording is a little bit different on both of them because it’s so easy for me to just say A Prioritized Marriage. But this is the third pillar of A Prioritized Marriage. I don’t know if the pillars have any standing in my mind that one is more important than the other, because I keep saying this is one of the most important, and I think they all are very important. But this pillar of A Prioritized Marriage is to increase emotional and physical intimacy. It is one of my favorites to currently talk about. We’re just coming out of the month of September, which I fondly refer to as Sextember, along with a lot of other professionals in the relationship and intimacy education space.
One thing about intimacy that I always stress is that we often use the word intimacy in reference to sex, but intimacy has a much broader definition and meaning and actually, I’m going to tell you the definitions here in a minute. Sex is not even mentioned in the definition of intimacy, and physical touch is not really actually mentioned in the definition of intimacy. Sex isn’t always intimate. I want you to think about that. You can have sex with someone, but it might not be truly intimate, even though it uses your most intimate physical parts.
So what is intimacy and how do you increase it in your marriage? Intimacy Amberly’s definition is a combination of the like, know, and trust you share with a person. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable. It increases in the time that you spend connecting with each other, and it has many different facets. So, can sex be intimate? Of course. Does intimacy in marriage include sex? Most definitely. But intimacy is so much more than the act of being physically intimate. So, let’s do the dictionary definitions. I’m just going to read them to you, and I want you to think about them as I read through them.
Dictionary. com, I think is where I pulled these from, defines intimacy as the state of being intimate. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history. I would add a person. An act or expression, serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like. This could include that physical component of intimacy. An amorously familiar act. The quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar. And then when intimacy is used as an adjective, they define it as associated in close personal relations. Characterized by or involving warm friendship or personally close or familiar association or feeling. Very private, closely personal. I really love that one. Characterized by or suggesting an atmosphere conducive to privacy or intimacy. Warmly, cozy, intimate. And the last one is arising from a close personal connection or familiar experience. When you consider each of those definitions in relation to your marriage and the intimacy or intimate connection you share, it can have a profound impact.
So to increase Intimacy in your marriage you have to get to know each other and you have to trust each other. The best way to do that is by spending quality time together having fun together and connecting, the other two pillars of A Prioritized Marriage I saw a formula for intimacy once that said intimacy is talk plus togetherness plus time. I really like that. Talk being vulnerable and personal conversation, togetherness spending quality time together, and time the longer you’re together, the deeper your intimacy. I think that you can spend time sitting next to each other, and spend time together talking, and it can be very shallow and not intimate. It can just be, what color is your toothbrush? We’re sitting next to each other, we’re having brief conversation while we look at our phones.
To truly be intimate, you have to be vulnerable, you have to be knowledgeable about each other, and you have to be familiar with each other. So, vulnerability is willing to share your true self, sharing those things that scare you, being willing to accept critique and feedback from your spouse, understanding that they love you and they’re wanting to help you to be better and they’re not seeing this as a flaw, they’re seeing this as an opportunity for you to grow, and also vulnerability can be how you react when your spouse is vulnerable with you. Do you allow them to be vulnerable? Do you accept their vulnerability? Or do you shut down and judge what they’ve chosen to share?
Having a knowledge of each other. This is, just knowing things about each other. I love the Gottman’s Love Maps card deck that’s in the Card Decks app because it helps you get to know these things about each other and make sure you still know those things about each other. My favorite color, I like to say, my husband should always know my favorite color. My favorite color, Is part of who I am and it does not change. It has been my favorite color forever and always. But my favorite song may change depending on my mood, may change depending on a season of life we’re in. I do have one song that I feel like is my personal always anthem, just a chunk of it. But there’s so many things that I’m like, oh right now I’m currently loving this song or right now I’m currently loving this show. I can never just say what’s my favorite movie because it depends on the genre and it depends on what mood I’m in. And so those are things you can continue to get to know about your spouse as things change, as new songs come out, as new movies come out, as they experience new things in life and their perspectives change. Don’t go based on what you think you know, continue to have those reaffirming getting-to-know-you conversations on a regular basis, and also share those new or changing things with your spouse on a regular basis. So something like, “Oh, I heard this song today and I think it’s my new favorite or my current favorite, let me share it with you.”
And then familiarity. So the more you’re with a person, you get to know their mannerisms. These are the things that are like, because I know you, or I just finished my fall watch of Gilmore Girls, and Lorelai and Luke, know each other and they know, ‘oh, I know that because it’s Lorelai, or because he’s Luke’, and they feel like you should just know that because that’s who they are as a person. But having that intimate knowledge of a person makes a difference.
And like I said, the intimacy that you share with your spouse extends well beyond the physical. I had a friend once tell me, when I was in the dating stage of my life, we would hang out all the time, and he told me that his mom gave him some advice when he was dating to find a spouse. She said, “you can have sex with anyone for the rest of your life, but it’s the friendship you share that creates a really good relationship.” I think this is so important, and prioritizing your marriage takes a well-rounded approach. It does include that physical intimacy and connection you share, but you’re not prioritizing just one thing, like date night sex or the love languages. It takes intentional effort every single day in all areas of your relationship to create a strong and enjoyable marriage. You can increase intimacy through sex, but more intimacy is built outside the bedroom and aside from the time you spend being physically intimate with each other.
Depending on who you ask, there’s a number of different intimacies. I saw a TikTok the other day that says there’s 12 different types of intimacies. Tony and Alisa of One Extraordinary Marriage have the six pillars or areas of intimacy. I’m going to link to a couple of those things in the show notes if you want to dive deeper. But I’m just going to share Amberly’s Intimacies…. the intimacies of A Prioritized Marriage, let’s call them that, and what they are. And then I will dive deeper into these intimacies and share ways you can increase these in your marriage in future episodes.
So emotional intimacy. This is what is created when you share your feelings, thoughts, desires, and dreams with each other.
Intellectual intimacy is created by learning together, learning about each other. This learning usually relates to an important issue, topic, or interest in your marriage. It could be something that you enjoy learning together, or something you’re learning together because you have to. For us, it’s learning about ADHD and how to work with our ADHD child. But something we might love to learn together is how to use our smoker and how to smoke different meats. So, sometimes that can be frustrating as well when your smoked pork butt totally fails. But learning together in your marriage, and I think you’re constantly doing this.
Spiritual intimacy. This is built around shared religious beliefs, the way you practice your religion together, but then being willing to share your own spiritual beliefs. I think an important caveat to this one is that there are many couples who don’t share the same religious belief, whether they were in different places when they became a couple, or one of them has experienced a faith transition during marriage, or they even have the same religion but view it from totally different places. You can still build spiritual intimacy by having vulnerable conversations with each other, seeking to understand each other’s views, and respecting and supporting each other in your spiritual journeys, in your spirituality, and in how you choose to practice religion, even when you don’t necessarily agree with them.
The next intimacy is experiential or recreational intimacy. This is created by actively enjoying life together and participating in various activities. Just the things you get to do together, having fun, all those other pillars I’ve talked about.
Financial intimacy. This is created by making a plan for your money, being willing to communicate in the process. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you both become spenders or you both become savers, but you’re intimate in that knowledge of each other, you know how to help each other, and you’re willing to have those conversations.
And then physical intimacy. This is created through meaningful and loving physical touch. This is the intimacy that I include sex in. It’s not the only piece of this intimacy to strengthen, and I think it’s important that you strengthen all your physical intimacy, not just in the bedroom, because we’re gonna talk about that, but that’s when it comes to like, brissle reactions where you assume that if your spouse is touching you, they want this to go all the way. I think that’s an important conversation to have.
By strengthening your marriage and each of the intimacies I just discussed, you’re going to create a deeper connection. It’s going to lead to better physical intimacy in your marriage. In future episodes of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast, I will dive deeper into different pieces of the conversation that we had today. This is a topic that I feel really strongly about, and it’s something that I talk about regularly. From creating more like, know and trust in your relationship, to being more vulnerable with your discussions about physical intimacy, to having more fun when you are physically intimate, all of those things. This podcast episode was just an overview, but don’t you worry, it’s something we’re going to talk about often.
I hope you enjoyed these first few episodes. If you missed one of the pillars, go back and listen to them. I’m excited to start sharing more episodes and diving into each of these pillars and how they relate to prioritizing your marriage and actionable ways you can do that every single day.