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In this episode, Amberly talks about creating a stronger connection in your marriage. Connection comes when you spend time together when you talk about everyday life or work to get to know each other better, and just as you journey through life together and experience things alongside. What worked to help you connect in one season of life, might not be feasible or serve you the same way throughout different seasons of your marriage. The experiences you go through can bond and connect you on a deeper level, or they can push you apart. You have to make intentional efforts as a couple, and remember that it’s the two of you against whatever comes your way, in order to stay connected and have the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Welcome to episode three of the Prioritize Your Marriage podcast. We’re going to talk about one of the biggest pillars of A Prioritized Marriage and that is to “create a stronger connection”. I love the quote that says, “A great marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person”. In that falling in love over and over, I always emphasize to couples that what worked to help them connect in one season of life, might not be feasible to serve them the same way throughout their entire lives.
A handful of years into our marriage, we played the not-so-newlywed game during a group date with a handful of couples who all got married the same summer we did. The night was filled with laughter, but I remember one couple specifically who got every single question about each other right. And we were all joking about it, and they would mention a recent conversation they had which gave them the answer for that question. I think the rest of us left that night, well, I know for sure I left that night more determined to talk about the silly little things we thought for sure we knew about each other and to make an intentional effort to stay more connected in our marriages. And I wish I could say that that night changed me forever and we have always stayed more connected, but it is truly intentional effort that we have to put in every day, and it’s easy to slide into disconnection and realize oh shoot we need to be better.
Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are really connected. We can give each other a look and know exactly what the other person is thinking. But then there’s other times when I feel like we are so disconnected that when he’s talking, I’m pretty sure he’s speaking a totally different language than me and I just spend so much time trying to figure out what he means. And it changes sometimes daily depending on the effort that we are putting into our relationship with each other.
You’re not going to magically stay connected at the same level you were connected on your wedding day just because you have your rings and that piece of paper that declares you legally tied to each other for life. Life is busy and it can be so easy to let your daily tasks and the business side of your marriage take over. You and your spouse deserve to connect on a deeper level each day and to feel pursued and loved and like a spouse not just a business partner. So I’m going to challenge you to find one thing that you can do every single day to connect. I call these connecting rituals and I’m going to be talking about them quite a lot in the podcast and over on A Prioritized Marriage on my social media and my website. You will see this term connecting rituals mentioned a lot. These are everyday things that are a little more special and they help you to continue to date each other throughout every stage of your marriage.
If you need a few ideas to get you started, you know I have those for you.
One of the simplest things I think you can do is to share a drink together everyday or a couple times throughout the week. This seems to be a really popular date night activity. I feel like for a first date people meet for coffee or go for ice cream. Enjoy your drink of choice together, whether it’s alcoholic, an ice cold soda, or something warm like coffee, tea, cider, or my personal favorite, hot chocolate. You can meet somewhere after work, go on a Saturday, or send one spouse out to get drinks while the other gets the kiddos to bed. I know many people who have created soda bars or they have their own dry bar or their own, alcohol station. (I don’t know what to call that because I don’t drink alcohol so I sound ridiculous.) I have my own little hot chocolate station during the colder months when we want something warm, so you can do that at home. And then just enjoy your drinks on the porch, or somewhere cozy in your home, or in a quiet corner wherever you go to get your drinks, or you can even go sit in the car somewhere scenic and talk there as well.
This one’s going to seem like a silly idea. I’m going to tell you to wash the dishes together. But it doesn’t have to just be washing the dishes, it can be any menial task that you can do alongside each other and talk while you do it. This is probably the top of my and my husband’s least favorite chores list,
and you are never gonna find us actually doing the dishes together. But it’s something I’ve seen my parents do, and I’m going to tell you, when I first shared this tip, my mom said “I never really considered that something we did to connect with each other. It’s just what we did.” But for me, I saw it as taking something that needed to be done and turning it into an opportunity to connect.mThe kids would be in the other room and they would be standing there doing the dishes and talking. And to me, it left a lasting impact. And so I think It’s something that you can do, take something off your to do list that has to be done. Maybe one day it’s sitting and doing the weeding together, or you go water the yard together, or the flowers together, or you do the dishes, or you’re cleaning the bathroom and each of you has different parts, or you’re doing the laundry side by side. Whatever that task is, do something that doesn’t take a lot of thinking so you can the time talking and enjoying each other’s company. But maybe pick something that you are not going to disagree about, that you’re not going both be grumpy about doing. Or maybe it could be your least favorite task and doing it together will make it more fun.
This could include cooking together as well, that was one of my other things I came up with. If you can work together in the kitchen, divide and conquer the meal prep tasks and work together to get meals on the table. You could also split up setting the table and making the food and talk while you each tackle your individual tasks. You can have music going you can be drinking and enjoying maybe some appetizers just yourselves or a fruit tray or a veggie tray. And then you’re just doing that together and it becomes a moment when you can connect.
I mentioned in one of the previous episodes having a dance party if you have some time every day when you turn on music and dance together. It could be dancing to your song, it could be dancing to a current favorite or a song that you heard that reminded you of each other. I always picture dimmed kitchen lights and dancing around the island and the kitchen table. You can do it while the kids are playing around you after they’ve gone to bed, lock yourselves in your bedroom and dance. Whatever that is, connect and talk while you hold each other close. If it’s us, we just sway to the music, but maybe you can do legitimate dancing.
My last idea is to sit and cuddle. I remember… this Gottman date night that I have talked about in a couple of episodes now, John Gottman talked about how they have a cuddle couch, and immediately I was like, I want a cuddle couch. It might be a couch that we’re gonna put in the corner of our master bedroom one day, I don’t know, or it could just be the couch downstairs and everyone uses it, but that’s our cuddle couch. It could be a cuddle blanket, that’s the cuddle blanket. But have something special, somewhere special that you cuddle and just connect and hang out. And you can sit there in silence, you can talk, you can share things from your phone. When it’s Christmas time and our Christmas tree is up, we love to just sit on the couches in the front room together. And sometimes we’re not even touching or we’re sitting on opposite sides but our legs are together and we just sit and enjoy being in each other’s company and connect. It’s super simple.
Connection comes when you spend time together. When you talk about everyday life or work to get to know each other better, and just as you journey through life together and experience things alongside.
The experiences you go through can bond and connect you on a deeper level, or they can push you apart. You have to make intentional efforts as a couple, and remember that it’s the two of you against whatever comes your way, in order to stay connected and have the opportunity to deepen your connection.
No matter what you have going on in your life, or how crazy your schedule might be, you need to make time to connect with your spouse a priority on a daily basis. Whether it’s 10 minutes at the end of the day or an entire evening away from the kids, take the time to connect with your spouse. Spending that time together will strengthen your relationship and increase the intimacy that you share, both physical and non-physical.