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Even if your spouse doesn’t struggle regularly with mental health, we all have moments or seasons in life when things get hard. Support your spouse with mental health obstacles and treat them with the care and importance that you’d hope they’d show you in return. In this episode, Amberly shares six tips you can use to support your spouse’s mental health journey. These things will have a positive effect on them, you, and your marriage.
Today we’re continuing this month’s focus on mental health, after last week’s episode, focused on prioritizing your own mental health and how it can benefit your relationship with an episode full of tips for how you can support your spouse’s mental health, if you are married to someone who experiences those challenges, whether they’re brief or more long-term. If you struggle with mental health, share this episode with your spouse and discuss how they can help you personally. If you are the spouse of someone who struggles, please take these tips into careful consideration and discuss them with the one you love, in a sensitive way to find the best ways you can support them. This episode is based on a post on my website that was written a few years ago. It will be linked in the show notes, if reading it would be helpful.
I started last week’s episode with a quote from a well-known marriage and relationship expert, and I want to do the same this week as well. This is a quote that I’m not sure is well known, but I hope it becomes well known to the Prioritize Your Marriage community because it is one that I share often here and over on my website, A Prioritized Marriage. This quote comes from John Gottman and it’s something that he said an at event here in Utah back in September of 2019. My friend, Nate Bagley hosted the Guttmans and over 3000 individuals for a night of learning and fun. Toward the end of the night, Nate was interviewing John and Julie Gottman live and asked them what one piece of advice or takeaway they would give, to sum up their 40 years of research for all of the couples in that room. You could hear a pin drop in that large auditorium by the time Dr. Gottman finished his sentence because his advice was so powerful and it is something that I have never forgotten. He said, “When your spouse is upset, the rest of the world stops, and you listen.” How powerful would it be if we set everything aside and focused completely on our spouse to truly hear them anytime they were upset?
As I jump into today’s podcast episode and talk about how you can support your spouse when they’re struggling, specifically when it comes to mental health, I want that quote to be something that sticks with you. I’ll share some actionable tips that you can use, but at the heart of it all, we need to be willing to listen and hear our spouse. And going back to last week’s episode of prioritizing your own mental health, if you were upset, be willing to share with your spouse. Don’t just say “I’m fine” and hope they’ll pry further or read between the lines. In order to get the help and support you need and want from your partner, you have to be willing to speak up.
Reiterating what I said in last week’s episode, I believe that it is our responsibility to care for ourselves and do what we need to keep our personal mental health in good shape. AND having the support of a spouse, a partner, someone who knows you well and loves you deeply, can make a big difference as you work on your own personal mental health. Just like any health challenge that you might face in your life, you are personally responsible for taking the medication, making the lifestyle shifts, scheduling and showing up for appointments, and whatever is required to keep that situation from causing major damage. As you are working towards the healthier you, it is helpful to have the support of your partner as you take that journey.
I have six tips you can take and use to support your spouse in their mental health journey. Maybe it’s just a bad day or a tough season at work or a week when hormones make life a bit harder to handle. You might be married to someone who has been diagnosed with a mental health challenge and is actively treating it and on medication. Or you could have a partner who is in the throws of recognizing how their mental health is impacting their life and needs that extra support as they start their journey. Each of these tips can help in every stage of that situation. Again, I want to reiterate something I said last week as well. I recommend consulting a mental health professional throughout your journey. For each of you individually, and the two of you as a couple. Having that professional third-party perspective is important and worth the time and money it takes.
One caveat I want to add is that there are some situations and some struggles that need more aggressive solutions. We’ve all heard that jumping in to save someone who is drowning can lead to drowning yourself. You cannot be your spouse’s all. You can’t be their therapist. You can’t be their doctor. You can’t be the one thing holding them together. Set boundaries and pull in outside help when it is needed because your mental health and well-being are important as well. And if you are both struggling to tread water, your relationship and your individual selves are going to be in trouble. Keep that in mind, as you listen to the rest of this episode and apply these tips.
My first tip goes back to the quote I shared from John Gottman. Be there to just listen. I love the suggestion to go into conversations when someone you love is coming to you upset, asking the question, “Are you looking for solutions or someone to listen?” Listen without providing feedback, perspective, solutions, or anything similar to that. Clarify for understanding and simply be there. I know for me personally, sometimes they just need to talk things through for my brain to process and often find solutions just by having someone there to listen to me talk out a problem or frustration. Be that person for your spouse. Let them know you’re listening with the “uh-huhs” or “I understand” or “oh, that’s frustrating”. But be truly listening.
My second tip is to know what triggers your spouse, for lack of a better word, because I think that the word trigger is overused. Is there a time of the month, an atmosphere, certain topics, or something else that makes those challenges your partner faces harder to manage or bigger than they usually are. Can you do anything to help minimize the stress or the impact as their support person taking that mental load off their plate? Maybe it’s making a phone call or running a specific errand for your spouse who suffers with anxiety. Are there ways that you can hold space for your spouse in certain seasons or step up and do a little bit more when you’ve recognized that they are struggling and you know it is unavoidable? Having open conversations at a time removed from those situations and being aware of their needs and getting to know them and their situation can help with this. I think this tip ties in with the episode I did last month on considering your spouse. I’ll link that in the show notes, if you want to listen or relisten to that episode with this topic, in mind.
My third tip is to validate what your spouse is going through and what they’re feeling. Chances are your spouse realizes and is very much aware that how they are feeling might be a irrational or exaggerated, but that doesn’t make their thoughts and feelings any less real. That’s one of the hardest things when it comes to mental health struggles, is getting people to understand that you know that it’s that underlying mental health challenge, that anxiety, that PMDD, that seasonal depression, that is making this situation, this moment, such a struggle, but that doesn’t make it any less real to you. There are joking memes and reels on social media indicating one spouse struggles with anxiety and the other suggests that they just not worry about it. “Have you tried just not worrying about it?” It’s kind of funny, but also real and very much not helpful. You don’t have to understand to acknowledge that your spouse’s feelings are valid and that you are sorry they’re going through it, and you will be there to support them, whatever they need. And that you are here to listen to whatever is going through their brain, no matter how irrational, crazy, or silly it might seem.
Going along with that is my fourth tip, or maybe it’s a sub-tip of that third one. Your spouse won’t always have an explanation or a reason for why they are depressed, anxious, upset, or feeling the way they are feeling. My therapist once termed it “floating anxiety” when I recognized how I was feeling, but couldn’t figure out why. In that circumstance we processed and I was able to connect my feelings to a situation, but that won’t always be the case. Whether your spouse has an explanation or not, and whether that explanation feels reasonable or not, accept that what they’re feeling is real. Be there to support your partner, even if you don’t understand why they feel the way they do.
One of my favorite tips is to educate yourself on what your spouse is dealing with and what it looks like for them. I remember when I learned more about anxiety for myself and realized that it did not present in the way that I expected it to present, just based on what I thought anxiety was. And this was in my own personal self. Do your own research on the topic, ask open questions to help you understand what your spouse experiences and goes through when they are struggling, and take the opportunity to find out how they want to be supported specifically.
My last and most important tip is to encourage your spouse to get help. Lovingly approach your spouse about getting help. Whether it’s talking to a doctor about what they’re struggling with and getting a diagnosis that will lead to medication or other tools and resources. Or reaching out to their therapist or doing something specific when they’re struggling more than normal. Sometimes verbalizing that you are struggling and asking for help, even if you are open about your struggles and you have been and it’s something that everyone knows you go through and it’s just a harder season, is the most difficult part when it comes to mental health. Be willing to hold your spouse’s hand and sit with them while they tackle the difficult task of admitting they need help and asking for that help. Whether it’s from you or someone else.
I mentioned in the first episode this month, that mental health and wellbeing refer to a variety of things. When we talk about mental health, it’s easy to jump to thinking about things like depression and anxiety and the lifelong hold they have on some people. But even if you or your spouse doesn’t have a mental health diagnosis, you will most likely, still struggle at some point in your marriage. We all have moments or seasons in life when things are hard and we get in our head and we need extra support. Support your spouse’s mental health and treat them with the care and importance that you want them to show in return or that you hope they would show you if you were in their place.
I hope you’ll take this episode and listen to it again with your spouse and talk about how you can support each other in the unique challenges you currently have. Talk about previous situations and what has been helpful or what you could each see as being good support to have if the same situation arose in the future. And be open as your situation changes in the future because you never know what life is going to bring your way or what is going to arise for both of you. Come at this topic from a place of love and wanting to understand and support. If you are the spouse who is requesting more support. assume your spouse wants to help you and doesn’t know what they don’t know.
I also want to encourage you to check out the show notes. I’ve linked two specific posts there. One that I wrote and mentioned is the basis for this episode. And another that I wrote in 2020 when we were experiencing uncertain times and I wanted couples to have tangible suggestions for working through all of the things that were going on and how they might be impacting each of them individually, might be impacting the family, or the two of them as a couple. I’ve found that post to be a really good conversation starter for a lot of situations, not just when the world is experiencing a pandemic and upheaval and natural disasters.
Thank you for sticking with me through some heavier episodes. Mental health is a topic I feel passionately about, and I’m always looking for opportunities to educate others on what mental health looks like and how they can support others, and open the door to honest conversation about it within families and especially between spouses. The next two episodes will be really fun and lighthearted, including a “confessions of a marriage expert episode” that I’ve been having fun outlining. Because we all know that I’m learning and growing and working on my own marriage relationship. And I am far from perfect.