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Today’s topic is close to my heart and so crucial for the health of any relationship—how prioritizing your personal mental health can strengthen your marriage. One of my favorite quotes about managing your own mental health comes from Dr. David Schnarch. He says, “The most loving thing we can do for our spouse is to learn to regulate our own anxiety.” I strongly believe that it is our responsibility to care for ourselves and do what we need to keep our mental health in good shape. And keep an open line of communication with those close to us as we do, especially our spouse/life partner, so they can support us, which I’ll discuss more in next week’s episode.
As I mentioned in last week’s episode, today’s episode is going to be a bit heavier, but it’s a really important topic to discuss. Today’s topic is one that is close to my heart, and so crucial for the health of any relationship; how prioritizing your personal mental health can strengthen your marriage.
Today, October 10th, is World Mental Health Day. Mental health isn’t something that I was always so passionate about discussing or even well-educated on. I’ve had some not-so-proud moments when it comes to discussing mental health in previous years. And if I’m being honest, I was really ignorant about the topic. But I think we all have an opportunity to learn and grow. And I hope that whether mental health is something impacts you or it’s something that you think impacts your partner, that you will give this episode a listen and keep an open mind, and consider how mental health may be currently impacting your relationship or may have impacted your relationship in the past.
In 2018, actually I’d probably say in 2016, my own mental health started to impact my marriage. And although I can’t say that it’s been magically perfect since I realized I needed to make changes, being aware and prioritizing my personal mental health has made a huge difference. One of my favorite quotes about managing your own mental health comes from Dr. David Schnarch. He says, “The most loving thing we can do for our spouse is to learn, to regulate our own anxieties.” I strongly believe that it is our responsibility to care for ourselves and do what we need to keep our mental health in good shape. And then keep an open line of communication with those close to us, as we do, especially our spouses so they can support us, which I’ll discuss more in next week’s episode.
The first time I realized that my mental health might be struggling was when I moved away from home to attend cosmetology school, clear back after I graduated from high school. I had always struggled in relation to my hormones and my cycle, but so much change amped them up for a few months. It took me years to realize that I was struggling with PMDD, which is premenstrual dysphoric disorder. But I knew something was off during that time and it just took me looking back to see what it really was. Fast forward to 2016, when I was postpartum with our second baby. I didn’t experience any mental health challenges postpartum with our first child so I thought I would be in the clear with our second as well. But that wasn’t the case. I remember one week when I was particularly agitated with the world, starting with myself, and my husband told me “you’re not any fun to be around anymore.” I shouted back, “I know! I don’t enjoy being with myself either right now.” And I was so frustrated. While there are better, more compassionate ways my husband could have spoken to me about that, it was just when I needed to face the fact that I did need help. I made an appointment the next day and started medication for my mental health. A year and a half later I was off my postpartum medication, but I was still struggling. It was about that time that I had my first anxiety attack and I was working with a doctor at the time who diagnosed me with anxiety and put me on the medication that I remain on today. That was also the time when we put a diagnosis to my PMDD. And a little bit later, I went on birth control to manage that for the next couple of years.
I wish I could say that my mental health is top-notch right now, but it’s not. I might even venture to say that I struggle more or maybe it’s just that I recognize my challenge is more since I’ve been working on myself for the last eight years or so, and being more aware of what it looks like when I’m in a crisis or in a not so awesome place mentally. When I talk about my mental health journey, I don’t always talk as much about the impact it has had on my marriage. There are times when it has been really rough, and times when it has been really good. And while the challenges in our marriage, aren’t always about my own mental health, they are often exacerbated by those underlying things going on within my own person.
I was listening to the first episode of last month’s guest, Dr. Kara Shade, her podcast she just started. And she has a guest on this week, Dr. Scott Stanley. Something that they discussed really rung true to me and with this concept. They were talking about the idea of taking a time out in your marriage when things get heated or one partner is flooded and then coming back to reassess after you’ve both had some time to kind of cool down and think about the situation and be in a better mindset. I would recommend you go listen to that episode so you can get that concept more in depth. I’ll link that in the show notes.
Scott Stanley said that often after a timeout couples will find that the issue almost resolves itself. That it isn’t as big as it seemed and that it doesn’t need as much repair as it may have before the timeout. Sometimes that’s because you’re hungry or tired or emotionally drained by something else, and that impacts the way that you are viewing a certain situation. It’s one of the reasons that the advice to “never go to bed angry” isn’t always the best. Sometimes you need to sleep on it, to be able to see things clearly. Sometimes you just need a Snickers to cure your hunger. And other times you need to focus on your own self-care and mental health to show up in the best way possible for your marriage relationship.
Whether you take medication, engage in regular self-care, go to therapy, or practice coping skills; like David Schnarch says, “the most loving thing we can do for our spouse is to learn, to regulate our own anxieties.” As I mentioned in last week’s episode, you may struggle with ongoing mental health challenges; like depression or anxiety. Or you could be faced with something more short-term; such as postpartum or grief-related mental health challenges. Momentary struggles such as stress, a series of unfortunate events in a day, or the impact of world events can also cause mental health challenges for an individual. As I list all these potential mental health draining stressors, I can think of examples of each of them in my own life.
I’ll share an example. Mid-2020, it had been obviously a year. The pandemic, kids being home, work situation’s changing because of the related pandemic. We had an earthquake here in Utah, which for most people wasn’t a big deal, but growing up hearing that the big one was coming and it was going to ruin everything, really gave me a lot of anxiety around that situation. And then all the things that were going on in the world at the time, there was a lot of… a lot of stuff, if you think back and remember. And I remember I was at home one day with my family and I was cutting some cheese so I could have cheese and crackers, and the knife slipped just right and stabbed the pad between my thumb and my finger on my left hand. And I immediately just burst into tears. Partly because it hurt, but partly because it was just that one last straw that broke all of the emotion, all of the things that I was trying to cope with and hold in and maybe not cope with in the best way. And because I hadn’t been taking the time to care for myself, to address how these different things were impacting me. I had gotten really good at adapting and moving forward, which is a great skill to have. But too often I was adapting and moving forward and pushing down the emotion and the feelings and the frustration that I had around some of those things I was having to adapt to. And so it’s important to, yes, cope with adapt, move forward and not let them disrupt in the moment. Which is something that I used to do, that something would happen and it would totally throw off my whole entire groove for the rest of the day, and I wouldn’t even be able to manage it in that moment. But also to take the time later to work through what I was going through and to work through how that made me feel and do what I needed to, to care for myself in that mental space so that there wasn’t that one last thing that broke the camel’s back. That little cut that I gave myself to require me to go get it glued shut at the InstaCare and it was a big deal, but maybe it wasn’t as big a deal as it felt at the time. And I recognized that and I was on the phone with my mom sobbing because I needed to sob to someone saying like, it’s not that it hurts that bad, it’s just that I’m so frustrated with everything going on. It just was that lasting that, just one more thing that just broke that dam.
So, regardless of the challenges you face, both partners will experience mental health struggles throughout your relationship. Again, it could be something ongoing, something they struggle with it, their whole life, depression, anxiety, PTSD, or OCD. Those different things. It could be something as simple as a really bad day and that one lasting just broke it all. And they just need a reset for tomorrow. There are a lot of things you can do to improve your mental health and what you need will be unique to you and your circumstances and the timing. I mentioned that I take medication regularly and I attend therapy, which has been off and on for the last five years or so. My medication has changed and shifted over time. I did mention that I took birth control to manage my PMDD for a little bit. And that’s something that I’ve decided not to do anymore because I didn’t like how I was feeling at that point. So I do other things to manage that.
During the colder and darker months, I experience seasonal affective disorder, so I take extra vitamin D utilize light therapy, and make sure I get outside when the sun is shining each day. At certain times of the month, I give myself extra grace, I rest more, and I walk away sooner when I feel my stress rising because I know that I will react more easily. And that can negatively impact my relationships when I overreact. And it’s easier to catch myself in that and say, I need that time out, I need that pause, I need some space. And it’s better for that relationship, not just easier, than to feel those reactions and have to apologize later or excuse those because of my situation. Owning my situation before it becomes an issue-causing situation is better. I also have regular things that I try to do, including enjoying hobbies, just for me getting decent sleep, fueling my body with food throughout the day, and being aware of how those situations impact me.
In the show notes, I’m going to link a few posts I’ve written in the past about my mental health. Including how focusing on my own mental health has improved my marriage and the things I was doing regularly a few years back to improve my mental health. I will also link you to a newsletter I wrote years ago, opening up about how anxiety almost ruined my marriage. And then I’m going to share with you some of my favorite tools aside from medication and therapy and those things that I do. Things that I try to utilize. I have a couple of different journals. I use a couple different fidget toys I use when I’m stressed. Things like that, that really have helped me and my mental health over the years.
Again, I am not a mental health professional. I am in no way perfect at this. And so you should work with your own mental health professional, your own doctor to figure out what you need for your specific situation. And that’s something that I am constantly doing. I meet with my therapist every other week. And even just a month ago, I was meeting with her saying, “Hey, I’m looking at some of these things that I am feeling and experiencing and how different things are impacting and wondering if I am depressed or I’m just overwhelmed.” And even though we decided that what I was going through was not depression, I’m overwhelmed and that’s causing me to not be able to function the way that I should, or the way that I want to. Then I was able to focus on, okay, what does this overwhelm look like? And I’ve been able to take that and shift and adjust and request more support and help and remove things from my plate. So that I’m not so overwhelmed, so that my mental health is not being impacted the same way as it has been.
Marriage is made of two people who should be aware of the impact they have on each other. It’s that family systems theory I’ve mentioned in a few different episodes recently. Simply taking care of yourself won’t keep your mental health from hurting your marriage relationship, although it’s a huge piece of keeping that relationship stable. You should also expect and accept support from your spouse and in return offer support to them and their challenges. And share with each other what you’re going through on a regular basis. So you are both more aware and can provide that support along with grace and empathy. So you can both be more understanding. So the other person can see when you might need a timeout that you have gotten so in that and not taking it yourself.
I think of the movie Inside Out 2. And if you have not watched it yet, highly recommend you go watch it. It is streaming for free on Disney+ finally. And not to ruin any pieces of the movie. I think this has been shown on social media. When anxiety is in the middle of an anxiety attack and is frozen. We are going to get to those points, whether it’s something we struggle with regularly or something that is situational, like when I broke down because of a simple cut. But it was building, building, building, building from other things in my life. Or if it’s something that’s simply because of the season or because of the time of month. But we all could get to those points and might require help from those around us to pull ourselves out of that, to recognize that that’s where we’re at, and to recognize what we need to get from that place.
So next week’s episode will focus on how you can support your spouse’s mental health. And how you can request support from your spouse when it comes to your own mental health. But this week, I want to challenge you to take a look at your own mental health. Where does it stand right now? And where has it stood in the past? Can you see points when your challenges may have contributed to struggles in your marriage relationship? How has your relationship improved when you pour into your own tank and ensure you are mentally healthy or treating the underlying problems?
I hope that this episode, me being vulnerable and sharing a little bit of how my own mental health has impacted my marriage and the things I’ve done for my own mental health because that’s the place I can speak from, has helped you to self reflect and see that in your own life. Thank you for letting me be vulnerable today. Happy World Mental Health Day. I hope this conversation has got you thinking, or at least made you more aware of the struggles that others around you may be hiding, specifically your spouse. Don’t forget to check out the show notes for this week’s episode and come back next week because that piece of supporting each other through your mental health challenges again, whether they’re seasonal or long-term, it’s something I’m very passionate about and something I’m really excited to share with all of you.