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In this episode, Amberly references a podcast episode she listened to over the weekend that sparked some thoughts on how you can be considering your spouse and how considering your spouse goes towards making your marriage a priority throughout every season of life.
This past weekend was the first in a while, and the first probably for a while, at least for the next few weeks, where we had little to nothing on the calendar. So I took advantage of a completely free Saturday and worked to catch up on all of my house cleaning. And while I cleaned, I had my headphones in so I could catch up on all of the podcasts that I have not listened to. Because as well as not podcasting myself, I have neglected all of the podcasts that I personally listen to. And so I’m currently working through each show, catching up on all of the things I haven’t listened to since, honestly, before the holidays last year.
Over the weekend, as I was cleaning all day Saturday, I was listening to one of my very favorite personal marriage podcasts, Marriage Therapy Radio. If you’re unfamiliar with this podcast, I highly recommend you check it out. Zach Brittle and Lara Heck are the hosts. They’re both Gottman Certified Therapists. They refer to their podcast as “infotainment” because they share little pieces of marriage and relationship information and advice while chatting as friends, adding their own personal experiences, and having ADHD conversations, as they call them. They go totally off the subject, which I love as well as interviewing other experts in the field.
I loved every episode I listened to this weekend, but there was one that stuck out to me and inspired the conversation that I plan to have here today. I loved it so much that I listened to it a second and a third time over the past few days and sent my husband the link so he could listen to it while he mowed the lawn on Saturday. Of course, I’ll link that episode in the show notes so you can listen to it too. In this episode, Zach and Laura are interviewing Matt Fray. He’s the author of a book called ‘How Your Marriage Ends’, which is now in my Amazon cart to read in the hopefully near future. Although if I’m being honest, my “to-read” list just keeps getting longer and longer, and I have yet to start tackling that. A few minutes of this conversation focused on the idea of considering your spouse, which is what my brain thought about for the rest of the day, and the weekend, and has been thinking about since, and I have been talking about since. So I threw all of those thoughts into a podcast outline and here we are today.
A lot of the talk in my previous two episodes focused on creating routines around the ways you are choosing to make your marriage a priority so that they happen and you make time for your marriage no matter what you have going on in your life. Today I want to talk on a little bit of a different note about considering your spouse throughout your life and throughout every stage and season and every single day and how that is important.
So what does it look like to consider your spouse? When you get married, you are no longer a single individual. You are a team with your spouse. You are still a single individual. You have your individual likes, interests, goals, dreams, all that stuff. But the things that you do impact someone else greatly. And that is your spouse, your partner, because you have chosen to do life alongside each other, together. It’s important that you consider your spouse every day and consider how what you are doing, impacts them and approach things as a team. So even if it’s something that you are personally doing, that is a personal pursuit of your own, as you are thinking about that and deciding to pursue that, think about how it is going to impact your partner, your life teammate. Consider your spouse.
And I would venture to say that spouses who don’t feel considered are some of those that have ended up ending their marriage. That a way to prioritize your marriage is to consider your partner. Consider your spouse. I’m just going to keep saying that because it’s so simple. Consider your spouse. There’s so much meaning to that phrase and it’s simple and greatly impactful. I was thinking about this, in regards to marriage and how, when you marry your spouse, you are committing to choose each other each day. I’m choosing you. I’m choosing you to spend life with. I’m choosing you to partner with in our parenting journey. I’m choosing you to walk alongside me through whatever challenges life brings our way. I am choosing you to have fun with for the rest of my life. I am choosing you to go on this crazy adventure of life. I am choosing you.
I would take that a step further and say that in addition to choosing each other each and every day, and making efforts to prioritize each other and prioritize your relationship with each other each and every day, that you work to consider each other each and every day. And I’m going to tell you three ways that you can do that. Three things that you should be doing to help you consider your spouse. And then I’m going to give you some examples of what it looks like to consider your spouse.
As I was thinking through this idea of considering your spouse, I was thinking a lot about this as I continued to clean on Saturday and after I cleaned and was just getting ready for the day, late in the day, I thought about three things and how it’s kind of a cycle of these three things to continue to consider your spouse every single day, through every single stage, through your entire relationship together. Those three things are to talk, listen, and think. TLT. I don’t know if that’s a good way to remember it, but that’s how I’m remembering it.
So the first one, talk. I want you to talk to learn and talk to share. This goes back to the love maps that I discussed a little bit in last week’s episode, and I will link again a little information about love maps. But talking to learn about your spouse, talking to hear and learn what impacts them. But also talking to share with them what impacts you and sharing in a way that is not defensive, that is not criticizing, That is not holding contempt, but it’s providing feedback.
And again, I was just listening to an episode from Lara and Zach, and they were talking briefly about providing feedback to your spouse consistently and constantly through your marriage to share like, “This, this helped me feel more loved. This made me feel like a million bucks. This really made me feel hurt.” But saying it in a way that is providing feedback. Assuming the best in your partner. Assuming that they have your best interest at heart and that they were not doing that because they didn’t want to consider you, or because they don’t love you or because they wanted to hurt you. That they don’t realize what impact that had on you.
So talking to learn, so asking questions, and I’m going to talk about that in just a second more about also talking to share. So talking to say, “Hey, when this, this and this happened”, and it helps if you’re not doing this necessarily in the moment, because it’s heated and it can be defensive and critical really quickly. Weekly marriage meetings are a really great time to discuss this and I’ll link marriage meetings again in the show notes so you can kind of look at that and find a place for that in your marriage. We discussed that in last week’s episode. But being able to say “This thing that happened made me feel _____ because _____. I felt, not considered. I did not feel that my feelings, that the impact this would have on me, that my schedule, my time, my opinion, whatever that is, was considered. I would love to be considered next time.” So, providing that feedback and being willing to hear that feedback from your spouse.
So, moving on to listen, listen to what your spouse is saying, and truly hear them. And there’s two parts to this. Hearing them from a place of “I’m saying this so that our relationship gets better.” If it is being communicated to you in a way that is critical or is emotionally charged, really trying to hear them through those emotions and understanding that you would maybe feel the same way. And having those discussions and responding in a way that is going to create that communication and let them know that they can come to you and share that with you. And responding in a way that says, this was not my intention at all. And I’m grateful you shared that with me. And in the future, I am going to do X, Y, and Z,
But also taking their word for what they are saying. If your spouse says, “I would like to go on a date night for such and such thing.” And you tell yourself, ‘They said they would love to go on a date night, but I know that they would actually love to have a party.’ Maybe it’s a birthday. We’re just going to go with a birthday. Don’t tell yourself stories. If you are asking them how they would like to be considered, or if they are taking the time to share with you how they would like to be considered, take what they are saying, consider it, and act on that. You can do additional X,Y,Z or ask additional X,Y,Z. “Hypothetically, how would you feel if _____.” But take their word for what they are saying and know that if your spouse chooses… this kind of goes to a trend that I’ve seen on social media and it keeps coming back where it says, when I tell my husband that I didn’t want food, he went to the restaurant and didn’t bring me food back, went through the drive through, went to the gas station, went to grab a drink and didn’t bring me anything. Even though he should know that when I said I didn’t want it, that I actually did want it. Listen to this with your spouse and know it goes back to that talking, that you are responsible for sharing exactly what you need and what you want and not expecting your spouse to read between the lines and that you as a spouse can take what they say. And don’t try to read between the lines, even if you think like, they’re saying this, but I know they really want that drink. They might appreciate that drink when you come back and that’s a totally okay way to say it, but it’s not on you if they really wanted that drink and you considered them and ask them if they wanted anything and they said no, and then they’re upset that you didn’t actually hear the yes, that was under that no. That you took them for their word and went with it.
So it’s a two-way street of talking and sharing that consideration and how you would like to be considered, accepting the way your spouse is considering you based on your communication and then providing feedback of, “This was not something we discussed, and I would like to be considered in this way in the future.” Also, holding your own self accountable that, ‘Oh, I, I really just need to say, yes, I would like to be considered in that way when they ask or speak up and say something so that I’m not left feeling disappointed’ because that disappointment could be on you. And if the disappointment is on your spouse’s shoulders, letting them know that you would like to be considered in the future.
So then the 3rd part of that is thinking. Thinking about what, you know, and how you consider your spouse and impact them for good on a daily basis. Or for bad. That personal impact you have, whether it’s positive or negative does impact your relationship as well.
I love the family systems theory. I’m going to find a quick, like, I don’t want to say a dumbed down, but a less technical, less science sounding, information about the family systems theory, and link it for you, so you can read a little bit more about it. But it says that we are impacted by all the parts of the family system. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that, “Hey, you made this choice and it impacted me and you’re responsible for that.” Although it, it does. But that we’re all responsible for ourselves and responsible for communicating that, for thinking about that, and for owning up to our piece in that family puzzle. Obviously, the family as a whole is greater. There’s your kids, your family, your siblings, your parents, your in laws, all those things. But just for the two of you as a couple, how you’re impacting and how you’re connecting back and forth again, that family systems theory.
So, I want to share with you a few little examples. And as I was thinking about this, I just could not get this little thing out of my head and it will not play while I’ve got my microphone plugged in, so you’re going to have to go watch this little TikTok. You can just click the link in the show notes and watch this. It’s during an episode of Full House and Michelle is running after her sisters who have just run out of the room to do something and she says, “Wait for me, I’ve got little legs!” Because they’re bigger than her and they’re running way fast and she can’t keep up. And I thought how simple that is, but how well that illustrates the impact and consideration we can have for our spouse. And it can look like walking a little bit slower because our spouse has shorter legs than us or because our spouse chooses to walk a little bit slower. Or, if we are the slower or shorter spouse, making an effort sometimes to walk a little bit faster or grabbing a scooter or a bike to keep up. I don’t know. That’s just, just a thought I had. Here’s a few ways that you can consider your spouse. And no, this isn’t an extensive list. But I want you to take this list, I wanted to provide you with some actionable ideas and things to get your brain going. And then I’ll give you a challenge at the end of this.
The first one that I think is talked about a lot and often gets flack is asking permission. People say, “Let me ask my spouse first.” And I don’t think it’s necessarily asking permission. And this has been talked about as well in the space of marriage education, but it’s considering your spouse. Saying, “Let me make sure that works with what my spouse has planned, with what our family has planned, with what we as a couple want to go on.” This isn’t asking permission so that you can say no, “because my spouse said no”, and you don’t want to say no yourself. That is not, that is not where this is coming. It is coming in that work asked you to add something to your calendar. “Let me check in with my partner first and make sure that doesn’t interfere with something we have going on” is a better way to say that. Or if you’re planning something with friends and you are settling on a date, or they ask you for a specific date and time and it’s not something like here’s what works for our calendar, saying, “Let me, let me check in and make sure that doesn’t interfere with anything we have planned.”
Even if you’ve had marriage meetings, even if you have a shared calendar, even if you can look and see and assume, based on what your spouse has posted in those spaces that you have created to help you consider each other better. Don’t just assume. Give them a little heads up. “Hey, this is something that I’m going to add to the calendar. Does that interfere with anything that I’m not aware of?” Or “How do you feel about that? Would you be okay with that? Did you have other plans? Do you have something going on?” Because it might not be that there’s something else on the calendar, but your spouse may have uncommunicated expectations of you being around for something, or your support on something, or they have something going on that’s not necessarily to put on the calendar, but they would like to pass the baton to you for parenting or for a task that’s usually happening that night or that day or whenever. So asking permission, but I’m going to change it to say, taking them into consideration. So you’re asking permission, but you’re not asking permission, but I use asking permission. And we’ll see how many times I can say that in a sentence, because it’s a common thing that happens.
So taking them into consideration and going outside of, “Hey, I know we kept this calendar updated. We’ve shared this calendar. We’ve discussed. Is there anything that’s come up between now and then that I should know about? Is this cool?”
This also goes on to the next one, communicating your timeline and changes. That you are keeping them in the loop and then adding it to that shared calendar or making sure they remember, or, “Hey, just wanted to check in and see, we’re still good.” “I’m planning on doing this tonight, making sure you know” so it doesn’t come as a surprise, even though it’s on them to remember communicating timeline and changes. I always think about the TikToks you see where it says “when my spouse is supposed to be home at 5:00 and it’s 5:01.” And the other spouse is standing in the window waiting anxiously because they want to see them or because they’re tapped out for the day and want to ‘tag you’re it’ for parenting duties or because dinner’s on the table and they want to have that happen. Whatever, whatever that reason is.
I’m not saying that if you’re not going to be home until 5:01 that you need to call your spouse and say I’m running one minute late. But letting them know, “Hey, on my way home”, even if it’s on your way home every single day at the same time. I see this shared on social media all the time. It makes a huge difference. And it’s like. “my spouse’s green flag is he always texts me and let me know when he’s on his way home from work” or “Hey, coming from here, I’ll be about this long” or “Hey, had to stay late and do a project. I’ll be about 15 minutes late. Hope that’s okay.” Communicating your timeline and communicating any changes to the expected timeline.
Something you can do that’s fun for something like this is having like your track my family, find my friend, life 63… 365. I obviously use so many of these. I don’t use any of them. But hey, where’s my spouse at? How long is it until they get home? I would love this for my kids because my kids will always say, like, “When is dad going to be home? How many more minutes?” I’m like, I really have no clue, but I could be like, he’s still at such and such a place so at least this many minutes, but probably longer because some of those, some of those timelines are an unknown. My husband currently volunteers in a church capacity in a position that has him gone a couple nights a week for different meetings, and sometimes those, those timeframes are no. And other times it’s this is what’s on the agenda, it could be any time from this time to this time that I’m home. It could be anywhere between 8:30 and 9:30, depending on how long we talk or we have a lot on the agenda and probably won’t be until this time, don’t wait up for me type of thing. Communicating your timeline and changes.
I want to do a little side note on this and talk about an article. I’m going to share this in the show notes. It pops up in my LinkedIn feed every so often. It’s a friend from high school of mine and he wrote a post about 6 PM dinner and how his wife communicated to him one day, “Hey, I would love to have everyone at the dinner table at 6 PM. And so if you could be home on time to do whatever and sit with us at the dinner table at 6 PM, that would be great.” And he talks about how it’s not so much that dinner has to happen at 6 PM, but how he shifted his mindset and his focus and realize that it was considering a want, a desire of his spouse. And it didn’t matter how important he thought that was, or how crucial he felt that was to the timeline, but it was considering that need and making the efforts to, this kind of goes in with the asking to consider and communicating, it kind of goes with all of it, but taking that initiative.
His spouse communicated with him a desire for being considered and him considering that and taking that to heart and making those efforts. And I’m sure there are times when that 6 PM dinner doesn’t work out for him, but if he’s really taking that into consideration and then communicating timeline, like, Hey, I’m really not going to be home for 6 PM dinner, you can start without me,” or “I will be home at this time”, that that goes a long way. It’s a simple thing you can do, and it may not seem that impactful to you, but considering your spouse again is huge.
The next one, sharing your intentions. And this kind of goes along with this as well. And this goes back to the listening and talking and things like that. That there are times when your spouse is not going to feel considered. When you are not going to every minute of every day think, how does this impact my spouse? Or even realize that something that is being said or done is going to impact your spouse. Being willing to hear that feedback and recognizing, whether they provide that feedback or not, being able to see that impact and taking responsibility for that, but then sharing your intentions. “Hey, this happened. My intent was this, this, and this. I realized I did not consider how this impacted you, and I wanted to communicate that with you.” And it may not change anything for the past, and it may not be something that is going to impact anything in the future, if it’s something that can’t be replicated, but in the future, I am going to try better to consider you in these similar situations. So sharing your intentions. Communicate, communicate, communicate is the key to a good marriage.
I’m going to link in the show notes, some do’s and don’ts for the love languages, because I think the love languages, are something I really, really love. And I plan on spending a whole month of the podcast talking about that because I have a bunch of episodes outlined and some of them recorded from this previous year when I didn’t get them posted. But, the love languages are an intentional way to consider what speaks to your spouse. That you know that they would love a backscratch at the end of every day and you consider that and make an effort to do that. That’s something I should be doing that I don’t do as well as I should. I honestly don’t do it at all unless my husband’s asking. But considering the things that make your spouse feel loved. Considering the things that make them feel very unloved, and that’s goes with those love language don’ts. And it may not even be specific to their love language, but I think the love languages are a great place to start to consider what is going to make my spouse feel loved
If I am at the grocery store and I call them and say, “Hey, I’m stopping at the grocery store to grab X, Y, and Z on the way home, is there anything you would like, or need?” Or maybe I’m at the grocery store running their errands for them and I add on a special treat. Or maybe I’m running to the gas station and I know my spouse has had a hard day and so I run inside and grab a drink or a treat or a snack or something to help them feel a little bit more loved. Finding those ways, considering that, ‘Hey, my spouse would love to hear when I think they look really great in something, or when I am just especially attracted to them for something they’ve done or said,’ or whatever that looks like. That my spouse would love me to consider sitting by them more and holding their hand, making an effort to walk past them and put my hand on the small of their back.
Considering what helps your spouse feel loved and doing those things and considering what things impact your spouse in a way that makes them not feel loved and avoiding those things or making efforts not to fall into those things. One of the don’ts on there for quality time is missing important deadlines or events or going back to that 6 PM dinner time I talked about, not being there at 6 PM. That quality time that this matters to you too. And you’re going to show up and be here because this is what works for our family. And you’re considering us and it matters to you because it matters to us. So making every effort to be there and to not miss it.
The last one that I think is an easy one to overlook. There’s a lot of things like I said, you’re an individual, you’re a sole person, that you may not think impact your spouse that really don’t impact your spouse, or that may impact your spouse indirectly. If you make a decision, it’s a personal thing that because they’re tied to you again, that family systems theory, they’re tied to you and the family’s tied to you, that it is going to indirectly impact them and you may not be considering how that impacts them or what say they may want to have in that. So consulting them on personal decisions. Some of these things look like, if you’re talking about marriage and money, that purchases over a certain amount we run past each other. Or goals, you know, you might sign up for a marathon. Hey, I’m signing up for this marathon. This day is totally open. I can do this marathon, but think about all the things that it’s going to take. I don’t know what it takes to train for a marathon. I know it takes a lot of time and I’ve seen other couples that they do something like this, but hey, this is going to require that I’m doing X, Y, and Z and I’m gone for this amount of time and I’m doing this.
Let me share a personal one I did for this. Earlier this year, I decided to participate in a local choir production of Lamb of God. And there were going to be practices on Sunday evenings from January through mid-April and then performances a few nights in April. And I was like, I really want to do this, and I could totally just sign up for it and then tell my husband, “Hey, I signed up for this thing and I’m really excited, and here’s what it’s going to expect from me and here’s when I’m going to be gone.” But instead, I sent him the link and I said, “Hey, I really want to do this. I’m going to sign up for it. It’s going to require me to do X, Y, and Z. This is how I recognize that it’s going to impact you. Xo you support me in this like, are you on board?” If not, and I still wanted to do it, then I would consider taking support elsewhere, like, hey, it’s going to require you to get the kids to family dinner or whatever, or do dinner yourself. And then my mom invited them for dinner every single Sunday, so he didn’t have to think about dinner on Sundays when I was running to practices during dinner time. But considering how that impacts them and making arrangements so the impact is less. If it’s something that they’re like, I still want to run that marathon they’re not able or willing, and it’s totally fine if they’re not willing, It’s rough if they’re not supporting you on that, but I recognize that that is a reality for some people. But if they’re not able to, if that impacts them in a way that impacts their personal things that are already planned that you’ve already committed to that the two of you have already said you would support them in that you find a way. Either you choose not to do that because it impacts them, or you find a way that you can still do that while minimizing the impact to them.
And this happens with me all the time, like, hey, I have this thing. I recognize you have this thing at this time. Are you willing to let this impact you little bit more or would you prefer that I find, usually it’s for child care, that I find someone to come help out with the kids so that the impact on that is minimal and having that discussion. So, consulting on those personal decisions can look like a lot of other things.
I’m going to wrap up this episode with a little challenge, and that is to pay attention for the next day, two, three, or a week. Listen to this episode with your spouse and talk together actively on the impact you have on each other’s lives. That impact that’s good, like, hey, you chose to do that and that really helped me out. And I want you to know that I saw that that impacted me and I really appreciated that positive impact it had on me. Or hey, X, Y, and Z happened and it put a lot of extra pressure on me, and in the future could we try and do X, Y, and Z, or try and communicate this so that we minimize impact on each other in a negative way. Having those conversations, recognizing those things, and then moving forward, making efforts to consider your spouse.
Choose your spouse and consider your spouse and those things that you know they need to be considered in but also those things that you don’t. And even when you feel like, I don’t need to run this by them or really consider them as much as Amberly really says I should consider them. Do it anyway! it’s going to have a profound positive impact on your marriage and it shows them that that relationship is a priority, that they are a priority to you, that you are considering them, and that their priorities are also a priority to you because you know that it’s something that matters to them.
I hope this podcast has impacted you in a positive way. I hope it’s been a good episode. I’ve really just loved thinking about this and discussing this and sharing this insight with a few other people this past weekend, and I am grateful I’ve had the opportunity to share it with you. That sounds really silly, but I’m glad I had time to record this podcast and share that with you. And I will be back again next week. I am sharing my first guest podcast next week. It’s going to be a great one. And sharing more about how you can prioritize your marriage, consider your spouse, and make routines that keep your marriage strong through every season of life. Have a great week.