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The holiday season is prime tradition time. In this episode of the Prioritize Your Marriage Podcast, Amberly is talking about traditions, specifically holiday ones, and more specifically ones that you share as a couple. She also shares how these connecting tips and rituals can be adjusted to work year round, in ways that aren’t so seasonal.
The holiday season is prime tradition time, so I wanted to make today’s episode all about traditions. Specifically holiday ones, and more specifically ones that you share as a couple. But like my previous episode on dividing time with your families, the tips in this episode can be used to help you evaluate and create traditions for your marriage and your family throughout the entire year.
The first thing I want to do is kind of define traditions and talk about their purpose. Traditions are special, they have meaning, and they are something to look forward to. One of my favorite books is called The Book of New Family Traditions. I’m going to link it in the show notes for you. In the book, it talks about rituals, which are traditions on a smaller scale and are something that we talk about here to prioritize marriage all the time. And rituals, they say, encompass spirit and magic. A couple of other things that I’ve taken from that book are that traditions need to be conscious because they also pass on our values and that one of their most practical uses is problem-solving. Your traditions should be simple, something that can easily be replicated each year without stress, and something that solves a problem.
Just in the last week, one of my kids wanted to celebrate a holiday that one of their friends celebrates this time of year. They couldn’t remember what it was called and they didn’t know what it involved, but they could tell me that it meant opening a present early. This tradition idea came after both kids bought their gifts for each other at the school store and placed them beneath our tree. They are both eager to gift and receive what they chose for each other, and my child thought celebrating this holiday would be a perfect way to get what they wanted. It was obviously going to solve a perceived problem.
The next night, our child was able to tell us the name of the holiday and reiterated that it meant we could open a gift before Christmas. I told them we could look into the holiday and learn more about it, but it might not be something that our family chose to celebrate. I have been thinking about celebrating a German holiday in future years because Joe’s grandparents immigrated here from Germany and I know many relatives who celebrate the holiday. I think it would be a fun way to connect our kids with their German roots. And ironically, the holiday this child’s friend celebrates, which is Yule, is German as well, but not the one I plan to celebrate.
My point is you don’t want to start traditions just because someone else does them or because it looks fun. Truly evaluate an idea, if it serves a purpose for you as a couple and for your family, and if it’s something that will serve a purpose long term. I’m currently thinking of the posts that I’ve seen from a lot of people this year wondering why they’ve ever started a certain elf tradition or being over it less than a week into the month.
On that same note, you need to be willing to re-evaluate, adjust, and even eliminate traditions that no longer work for your family and your marriage, whether it’s just for a season or for the foreseeable future. My family eliminated Christmas gift giving, and instead, we used the money we would have spent to put towards a service project that we can participate in as a family over the holiday. None of us miss the gifts and we have more memories of the service projects we’ve done than we do of the gifts we’ve given and received. This new tradition has served the purpose of giving back and spending quality time as a family while doing it and allowing us to do something during the holiday season.
I kind of wanted to share with you a tradition of our own, and it’s one that we kind of stumbled onto by accident. This is a Christmas Eve tradition that we do as a couple, and it started the first year we were married. My husband Joe worked security for Target for quite a few years of our marriage, which meant a lot of late nights during the holiday season. I can remember so clearly that first Christmas Eve we were married when I went to my parent’s house by myself for a traditional Christmas Eve family dinner. And then I took a plate of leftovers to Joe at work and sat with him in the food court area while he took his break and ate it. I can see the plate, I can see the food, I can remember it so vividly. After watching a movie with my family, I went back to our apartment that night and waited for Joe to get home. When he finally got home from work, it was close to 11 PM, only an hour until Christmas.
I’ve, probably like my kids, never been good at waiting to give my gifts because I get so excited for the giftee to see what I picked out for them. I suggested that since we were so close to Christmas, we should open our gifts to each other, and then we could sleep in the next morning before heading out for Christmas with both of our parents. Joe, of course, refused to let me open my gifts before Christmas morning, but we did some compromising, and I convinced him to play a board game with me until midnight, and then it would be Christmas so we could safely open our gifts.
We, well, maybe just me, loved the idea so much and how it works that I convinced Joe to make it a tradition and open our gifts at midnight every year since. Except if I’m being honest, we don’t make it to midnight anymore because we’re way too tired. Instead, we’ve made it a Christmas Eve tradition to do after we’ve made sure everything is ready at our house for Christmas morning. And it’s a tradition that has served a purpose and will serve a purpose for the rest of our marriage. Instead of opening the gifts we got each other on Christmas morning, in the midst of the chaos of the kids opening and playing with their presents, we get to have a more intimate moment together. We’re able to spend time enjoying each gift and sharing with each other why we picked them out. On Christmas morning, we can focus entirely on the magic and excitement of our kids and in the future, our grandkids. Sometimes we save our stockings for the morning to open with the rest of the gifts that Santa brought, so we’re doing something alongside the kids. But, for the most part, they have never seemed concerned that all of our gifts are open and theirs are not.
What I love most about this tradition is that it allows us to slow down and take time together during a time when we might not usually have time alone. We’re able to be more intentional and make our relationship with each other a priority while still enjoying the magic of the season.
So I wanted to share some ideas for holiday traditions that you can do as a couple, no matter what holiday you’re celebrating this time of year. I’ll also put in a plug for how you can transition this tradition into something that works year-round. And I will encourage you to check out my book, Beyond Date Night. There’s an entire chapter on creating traditions and rituals in your marriage. Just like these, they allow you to connect, have something to look forward to and tie a fun something to that quality time.
My first idea is to kiss under the mistletoe. We have a mistletoe ball that hangs in the living area of our home and a couple of years ago I bought a sprig to hang on the headboard in our bedroom. You can find great artificial mistletoe options online. I’ll link a few in the show notes or you can research near you where you could buy live mistletoe this time of year. After you find the perfect place to hang your mistletoe, make sure that you use it. Take advantage of every opportunity that you have to kiss underneath it. And kiss passionately, not just a quick peck. Make it good and make it count. This tradition can increase physical connection in your marriage and be a cue for you to pause amidst all of the chaos to be still and connect.
Keep the momentum going year-round by finding a time or a location where you will always share a passionate kiss. Maybe it’s a greeting after you’ve been apart or when you climb into bed each night, Vanessa and Xander Marin talk about how they make out every single night. It’s one of their traditions without any expectation of it going further. I’ll link that discussion in the show notes as well, but find some time in place to share a passionate kiss regularly in your marriage.
The second idea is to spend quality time next to the tree each night. During the summer months, we like to sit on our deck and watch the sunset. But I love Christmas time because we get to change our location and sit next to the glow of the tree together. Drink hot chocolate, cuddle while you read your own books, or talk about your day together. Turn on some soft holiday music for an even more romantic mood.
You can do something similar year-round. I mentioned sitting on our deck and watching the sunset. I think about the number of people I’ve talked to who say they shower together at the end of the day, not with any goal other than being together in an intimate space where they can focus on each other, talk, and wash all the cares of the day away. I’ve also loved something John Gottman shared once about having a cuddle couch where they sit and talk or watch a show and cuddle. Do you have a special blanket you share, a song that signals time to stop what you’re doing and slow dance, or a space in your home where you can create an atmosphere to foster that connection and quality time? This can be a fireplace, it can be the tree, it can be space in your bedroom away from your bed, it can be the shower, it can be space outside your home, somewhere that is for you, a place where you sit and connect.
Another idea is to take a drive to see the lights. The first year we were married, I decided to make this a tradition. My husband pushed back and said, “It’s not a tradition until it’s been done for more years than one.” Well, I’m happy to say that this is officially a tradition because we do it every single year. We do it with our kids, and we do it as a couple. That first year, We were married. We stopped for a cup of hot chocolate and then drove around neighborhoods near where we lived to look at Christmas lights. Now we seek out city lights and neighborhoods that are known for their light displays. If we go on a date, we listen to Christmas music and explore for a few hours together. When we take the kids with us, we stay close and keep our drive shorter. Because even though they love Christmas lights, they start to get antsy being in the car too long. This year, I’m planning an entire route for our drive as a couple and putting together a very specific playlist. But like I said, it can be as simple as grabbing a cup of hot chocolate, jumping in the car, and driving around the neighborhood together.
You can go for drives year-round. Grab your favorite drink and turn on a special playlist. I have a great one that’s tailored for date night and quality time as a couple that I’ll link in the show notes so you can add it to your Spotify and use it all year round. At the beginning of our relationship and a few years into our marriage, we would go on late night walks together just to talk and be together. As we had kids, we started taking them with us in the stroller, but they’re at an age right now where it’s more distracting to go on a walk with them while trying to have quality time as a couple. So we’ve shifted to another connecting ritual or tradition, but one day we’ll go back to those late night walks when our kids are old enough that we can leave them home at night.
Another idea is to dance to holiday music. While you’re sitting next to the tree together or after you get home from one of your many holiday events, turn on your Christmas or holiday playlist and dance together. There are so many great holiday tunes that are perfect for slow dancing with the one you love, and the glow of the lights during the holiday season makes for a perfectly romantic atmosphere. You can continue this year-round by taking time to dance together on a regular basis, in the kitchen after a meal has been cleaned up, or in the main area of your home when you have a quiet moment together. It gives you an opportunity to talk or just enjoy the silence and to be close to each other physically.
This next idea is one that I recommend year-round, but I’m going to give you the holiday time of year ways you can do it. So, turn your menial tasks into a date night moment. Whether you’re getting ready to spend hours wrapping presents, delivering neighbor gifts, making your contribution for the night’s holiday party, or cleaning up after you’ve hosted a gathering of family and friends. Find a way to enjoy that time together and make a date night out of it. When your nights are packed with family time and it feels like you have no time alone with your spouse, you have to make that time for each other. Baking, walking around the neighborhood, gifting to friends, and even cleaning up are more fun when you are doing it together.
I shared similar ideas for everyday connection in that connection episode of the podcast, which I’ll link. Sharing the task of washing dishes at the end of the night or each of you having a role in cleaning up the meal while you talk, working in the yard together, etc. can all provide opportunities for special time together. You can make those moments extra special with a specific playlist or a drink that you share or a treat that you enjoy after that task is done.
My final idea for today’s episode is to enjoy a holiday treat. Think about what is in season. Eggnog, sweet rolls, sugar cookies, gingerbread, cheese balls. What are your favorite holiday snacks or treats? Grab some to enjoy together at the end of the day or even in the middle of the day. Find somewhere to sit in quiet and share something or each eat your own. Continue this tradition year-round with ice cream, coffee, weekend donuts, chips and salsa, popcorn, et cetera. Those are just a few ideas that came to mind for me, but I think after working in an industry that talks about food daily, and learning about other cultures and their food, that food is something that connects and brings people together, so why not include it in your marriage connection moments?
Don’t let your relationship become stagnant over the holidays. Let the magic of the season increase the connection and romance that the two of you have by creating holiday traditions together. I’m going to link in the show notes the first episode that I put out for the holiday season, all about making time for your marriage during the holidays. This includes creating rituals and traditions that you can do daily throughout the year to maintain that connection, specialness, and romance in your relationship.
The ideas that I shared in this episode are just a starting point. The sky is the limit when it comes to creating special moments for connection in your marriage. And I want to hear what those moments of connection look like for you, especially during the holiday season. So hop over to Instagram. We’re at a prioritized marriage and join the conversation in the reel that will be posted there. Or send me a message and let me know so that I can share it with everyone else because everyone is looking for different ideas and I don’t have them all. I want to know what works for you so the other couples can take those ideas and make them work for them.
I hope that you have a happy holiday season and we’ll be back after the new year with more episodes.