One of the things that I've been thinking about lately is how mine and Joe's relationship is an example to our kids of what a marriage relationship looks like. Bensen listens to our conversations, watches us interact and has a front row seat every morning when Joe kisses goodbye on his way out the door. Whether I express these verbally or not, there are a few things that I hope our children learn about marriage from watching mine and Joe's.
Although we have a lot going on in our lives over the next couple of months, and not as many solid blocks of time as I'd like to have available to get away together for a Bensen free date, just the two of us, I know that we can still make time with each other a priority. I'm determined to have lots of, what I like to call, "date moments" after Bensen is in bed on weeknights or after our other commitments on the weekends.
Is pornography harmful to relationships? Can porn be helpful and spice up relationships? There is growing research that is backing up serious negative impacts of pornography habits while at the same time, society is becoming more open, accepting and sexualized. To make things more complicated, the multi billion dollar pornography industry continues to make a powerful push for pron to be accepted as mainstream. There are likely individuals and couples who watch porn and don't have serious side effects, but the risks and increasing negative impacts cannot be ignored.
One of my biggest parenting struggles over the past year has been creating a consistent daily routine for Bensen. This was especially difficult while I was in school because his schedule varied on a day to day basis depending on who was caring for him, how late Joe worked and how late I was in class or at my internship. I'm graduated now and we won't be participating in the back to school ritual with everyone else this fall, but it has been my goal over the last few months to create a solid daily routine. This toddler routine is also perfect for those of you who are already planning to get the kids back in the school routine.
A few weeks ago, I was listening to Josh Groban's 'In Her Eyes' on one of my morning commutes and it had me thinking. The same song rotated through my CD's again yesterday (I get bored of the radio not playing anything I like) and I was thinking again. I thought back on some of the moments from our weekend and wondered how I could make my husband feel like more of a hero. I realized that I may be diminishing his worth a bit or making him feel like less of a help in my life just by the things that I'm choosing to focus on, whether I voice them out loud to him or not.
As a full time working mom, the majority of my time each day is spent at the office, and there are only a couple of hours in my day between work and Bensen's bedtime. Finding time to connect with him on a regular basis is important to me so I made a goal this summer to do something fun with him each week on my day off. I put together a whole list of activities that I thought would be fun and tried to plan one a week. While those big, weekly adventures have been a lot of fun, I realized that I needed to be more intentional and find a way to connect with Bensen on a daily basis.
Smartphones have made a lot of things in our lives more convenient, but they can also be a nuisance and can quickly get in the way of life if we let them. Long distance couples rely on video calls and social media to communicate and feel more involved in each other's lives while they're apart. Throughout the day, couples communicate the little things with each other via text and I know many a wife/mom who keeps her husband involved through her Snapchat story or by sending him private snaps of the things that she and the kids are up to while he's at work. Our smartphones have become our camera, video camera, address book and journal. They have so many great uses, but without a few boundaries, they can quickly take over our lives and our relationships.
I don’t have much experience with long distance relationships, but during the past year, Joe and I have spent more time apart than we have in our entire marriage combined and I’ve learned a few things from the couple of experiences that we've had so far.
Taking care of myself has become important, no matter what my schedule looks like or how impossible it may seem some days. I have started setting aside half an hour to an hour of time at the end of every day for myself. I stop cleaning and don't try to cross any other projects off of my to do list. I have my activities that I love to do, some that last an hour or more and others that take only ten minutes. And I almost always enjoy a treat during my me-time, just like my mom always did when I was younger.
One of our favorite foods to serve for game nights is tacos. It's simple, most people like it, there are options to make it vegan/vegetarian (just in case), and you can have loads of toppings on hand to please anyone. Then you can set out some chips and salsa to go with the meal that you can snack on for the rest of the night.
I wouldn't suggest combining your bank accounts or finances before you've tied the knot, but I do suggest that you make finances and money a part of your conversations together as soon as you know that your relationship is headed for marriage, and possibly even before that. I've shared my thoughts on what financial discussions you should have before you get married here on the blog before, but I'd like to add these to the list!
President Uchtdorf starts his talk by telling a story of an elderly couple that he once noticed. They were holding hands and obviously cared for each other deeply. I think a lot of us can relate to an observation like his. I hear people admiring couples who have been married for years and are still outwardly showing signs of affection and love. It's hard to see an older couple out and about, interacting with each other in such a loving way without smiling and admiring them. President Uchtdorf then notes that although he's not sure why exactly he was so affected by this couple, there are a few things that may have contributed to his feelings. He notes that "the sweetness and love these two people shared for one another....[is] a compelling symbol of perseverance and commitment" which, in today's world, where so many societies are treating objects and even relationships as disposable, is becoming more and more rare.
A couple of months ago, I saw a graphic going around Facebook, encouraging people to stop referring to fathers as babysitters when they are left alone with their children. Dads can sometimes get a bad rap for chaos and fun when mom is gone, but if the are given the chance and confidence in their abilities, they are just as capable of raising kids as moms are! Over the past year, Joe has shown me just how true that is as he stepped up and took over extra parenting duties while I was taking night classes, putting hours in for my internship and working on homework assignments.
I've always had a passion for date night, but for a couple of years, we were taking date night for granted. Now more than ever, with our busy schedules and our roles as parents, being intentional with date night is important to us. I don't expect every week's activity to be one that I remember in detail for year's to come, but I want to be intentional with each one and not take any of them for granted. By remembering the things that have made other dates memorable, I hope to add more memories to our story, make our marriage greater and make date night a ritual that we look forward to anxiously each week.
So no, as much as I love chocolate fondue, I don’t think it’s the perfect anniversary dessert. Instead, I thought of a completely different treat. One that you might not associate with fancy meals in dark restaurants while wearing your little black dress, but one that you can enjoy together and will end your meal with a perfect sweet note without weighing you down. And it’s perfect for a summer anniversary, something that most enjoy (I, on the other hand, have a chilly February anniversary).
I thought I had him convinced, until he came home for lunch the day of our ultrasound. We spent his entire lunch break discussing what we wanted to do. Joe suggested that he could just find out and tell, who made our pinata, and keep it a secret from me and everyone else for the week. I told him there was no way that I'd let him find out without me, so we made a deal instead and both found out that day. For the rest of the week, we let our families think that we'd be finding out our baby's gender on the same day as them. It would have been a fun surprise, but I didn't mind finding out just Joe and I!
Being a mother is the hardest, best, most rewarding "job" I've ever had. The past few months have been especially hard with teething, baby proofing, ear infections, and scrapes and bruises. Not being home most nights and only seeing my baby for a few minutes total most days was heartbreaking. I've had my fair share of emotional breakdowns, crazy protective mom moments and weird "do anything to make the baby happy" moments as well.
This breakfast dish a favorite that Josh has mastered and knows I'll love receiving in bed in the morning. It's a childhood favorite that's easy, delicious, and uses ingredients we ALWAYS have on hand. It's our go-to when we're poor or too lazy to make something more appropriate for dinner. You and your spouse can easily master this together for a fun breakfast-for-dinner or try it out on your own for a fun breakfast in bed for your spouse. And even though I suggest our favorites, feel free to get creative with the fillings! That's the best part!
Family time is high on our list of priorities because we have no excuses not to spend quality time making memories together, and because we are still working, we have to make the most of the time that we can spend together every single night. I get excited thinking about our future and all of the traditions that we can start now that Bensen is old enough to appreciate them and I have time to carry them out.
How do I keep forgetting that life never slows down? There's always something around the next corner that takes up time. Every season of life is different, and the demands on our time shift as well, but there's consistency in the fact that it never feels like there is enough time in our days to do what we want.
Love is caring about and making each other a priority no matter what life brings your way! Love is selfless, patient, thoughtful and kind. Love is a lot of little things rolled into one and not all of those things are necessarily romantic. Sometimes the most unromantic, rough things in life show the most love. Love will grow and evolve into something better the same way your marriage and family will grow and evolve throughout life.
When we invite people over for dinner, he lets them know they are in for a treat and openly rolls his eyes when I warn people that they might be setting their expectations too high. He'll "complain" about how I "force him" to go out to eat at nicer restaurants to study their dishes or that I'll make a gourmet dish a million times over to get it right. If I ever hint that my cooking isn't THAT great, he sternly corrects me and assures everyone around that it's just as good as he promises. That sense of pride he carries that his wife is a professionally-trained cook makes my heart swell.
The only reason I do dishes is because I love cooking and need clean dishes to cook, and even then, Josh is usually the one doing dishes while I use salad bowls to mix ingredients because my mixing bowls are dirty. And when I say I love to cook, this doesn't mean that I'm joyfully making fancy meals every night- this means that when I get an idea, I immediately start cooking and it may or may not turn out well, but when it comes to regular old meals on weekday evenings we're often throwing together some boring noodle dish or slinging grilled cheeses.
Life can be overwhelming at times, no matter what your every day schedule looks like. There are simple things that you can do every day to make your marriage a priority. You don't need a lot of time to let your spouse know that they are important to you, no matter what you have going. The following list contains things that you can do every single day, no matter what you have going on or how little free time you feel like you have. When you have to put other things in your life first, don't let your marriage get buried.
One of our favorite places to lunch is a barbecue joint just around the corner from Josh's work that serves an INCREDIBLE mac and cheese. Gooey and cheesy with bits of pulled pork throughout and a hint of crunch with breadcrumbs on top. This recipe, though a favorite that we've had for a few years now, is inspired by this barbecue joint and the lovely lunch dates we've enjoyed there together.
Whether or not you love Valentine's Day or have someone to share it with, you can't deny the urge to eat loads of chocolate on the fourteenth of February. I have the perfect recipe for you- a great dessert to share or one you can drown in by yourself. A triple chocolate chip calzone. A big pile of melty delicious chocolate wrapped in a soft, sweetened crust. And a big perk? It makes enough dough for you to make a giant heart shaped pizza for dinner. Sounds like a great Valentine's date at home!
When we were dating, we'd always go on a late night walk or sit on the couch and talk after I finished studying. Now, Joe usually falls asleep in the middle of our show and I'm up for an hour or two more finishing up my assignments. This semester especially, with class three nights a week and our opposite work schedules, we don't have as much time or energy as we used to, so we don't connect as often as we should.
There is a certain stigma associated with New Year's resolutions, everyone jokes that nobody is ever going to keep them. Instead of making resolutions at the beginning of every year, I resolve to be a better person and set goals to help me become that better person. Rather than just resolving to go to the gym, I set a goal to hit a certain number of steps or do some sort of physical activity a certain number of days each week. And rather than resolving to save more money during the year, we put a dollar amount to it and figure out what we need to do in order to get there.
You've got date night penciled.. no penned (!!!) in on a weekly basis, so you're good to go, right? Well, maybe.. but how often does date night roll around and you realize that you haven't actually planned anything to do on your date? There was a time in our marriage when 90% of the nights that we had claimed as time for our marriage started out with, "What do you want to do tonight?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?". Most of the time, those debates ended with us on the couch eating takeout while we watched our current favorite on Netflix, like we did every other night of the week. Date nights weren't special because we didn't give them any thought until ten minutes before they were scheduled to start.
Cooking quickly became our favorite activity to do together and thankfully so, because when our finances changed and we had to cut back on our spending, we knew we could still have fun date nights because we so enjoyed cooking homemade meals together. We still dance and chat over the stove and savor the meal at our kitchen table. And it's still just as fun as it was years ago when we ditched our cutesy themed dates and romantic sunset picnics.
Last year, to help me achieve my goal of being more intentional with our date nights, I created a Date Night Bucket List. Having a list of dates that we want to go on made coming up with what we're going to do each week a little bit easier. I loved it so much that I've decided to make it an annual tradition in our marriage! Do you have date night activities that you always talk about doing but never seem to follow through on? You should create a date night bucket list of your own this year and start to enjoy some of the things that you've always wanted to do together.
Prioritizing your marriage doesn't mean: That you have to put all of your energy into your marriage, every hour of every day. That you can't have a life or spend time with friends outside your marriage. Or that there aren't other things in your life that are a priority or need to come first sometimes. What does it mean to put your spouse first?
When I saw these conveniently packaged OREO Cookies near the checkout lanes at Walmart, I knew they'd make the perfect stocking stuffer, but then I decided to take it a step further and turn them into a more meaningful gift! I wanted to give Joe a gift that would turn something we already enjoy together into more of a tradition. I also wanted my present to be used and remembered forever, which might not happen if I put a box of cookies in his stocking by themselves and called it good. Last Saturday, while Joe was hanging up our Christmas lights, I took a break from doing homework and made these cute mugs that I wish weren't wrapped up right because I want to use them this weekend!
All too often, I hear couples with kids say that they don't have date night very often for a number of different reasons. Some have young babies who can't be left with a sitter yet, others don't have room in their budget to go out and hire a sitter or family nearby who can watch their kids while they spend some time together. I've decided that maybe, our use of the word term "date night" is putting too much pressure on something that should be happening on a regular basis, no matter our circumstances.
We got home yesterday from an amazing weekend up in Midway, where we stayed at Zermatt Resort. It was the perfect setting and location for a relaxing weekend that allowed us to spend good, quality time together and reconnect as a couple. We missed our baby a lot while we were gone, but knew that he was in good hands at grandma's house. To be honest, we felt worse about leaving our puppy behind to hang out at home by himself. We were excited to get home to both of our boys today, but I'm glad that we took the time to get away together for a couple of nights!
Joe's new job starts next week, so he has the rest of this week off. We're excited to get some work done on our own yard and spend a few days together before we shift into our new schedule. There are so many pros to this job change, but if you can't tell, I'm just really excited to see my husband more often and have more time to work on our relationship.
