I’ve spent a lot of time over the last three years, focused on self-care and my mental health. It started at the beginning of 2018 when I was still struggling to love myself and my life after my bout of postpartum depression the year before. I spent a lot of time focused on my own self-care and creating a better relationship with myself. Halfway through the year, I experienced my first anxiety attack. And soon after, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, exacerbated by PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). With the help of medication, therapy, and more focused self-care, I was able to get to a really good place. And with continued maintenance, I’m able to stay in a relatively good place.
What I don’t always mention when I’m talking about my mental health journey is how it has impacted my marriage relationship. From the time that I started to struggle with postpartum depression until I got help for my anxiety, things were rough, I’ll be honest. When I look back on that time in our marriage, I recognize that the majority of the issues that I saw stemmed from myself. As my mental health and the relationship that I had with myself improved, my marriage relationship did as well.
Related: Things I Do Regularly for my Mental Health
When I take time to care for myself and my mental health, I show up as the best version of myself possible in my marriage. Before I started taking time for self-care and being aware of where I was mentally, I was easily burnt out. Now I take time throughout the day to assess where I am mentally and what I need. Then I do what is needed to ground myself, calm the overwhelm or fight the oncoming burnout. My husband doesn’t get my leftovers at the end of the day after I’ve given my all to everyone else and left nothing for myself.
Related: Five Ways I’ve Invested in Myself This Year
I remember one day earlier this year, I was frustrated with life and was complaining to my husband. I exclaimed, “I care for everyone else, but when is someone going to care for me?!”. It was then that I realized that I wasn’t caring for myself. I was running on empty, and I was turning to my husband to fill my tank to the brim. But that’s not fair of me to expect him to do.
Our decision and our efforts to pour into our partner’s tank is great! But I think it’s more pouring into the tank of our relationship. And we shouldn’t be expecting our spouse to fill us up completely. Self-care, self-love, and the efforts we make to improve and work on ourselves make up a huge part of that. And it allows us to fully appreciate what our spouse is giving to us. Rather than thirsting for more and more and more when they do pour into our tank.
Related: How a Change in Attitude Can Improve Your Marriage
Before I started taking care of my own needs, wants, and desires and prioritizing them above anyone else’s, I had unrealistic expectations for everyone in my life, especially for myself and my husband. I’ve done a lot of work internally to fix that. But also worked to educate me so I have more healthy expectations and communicate them better. Working with a therapist and reading books like Boundaries in Marriage has really helped me with that!
Related: Six Tips for Supporting Your Struggling Spouse {World Mental Health Day}
Regardless of whether you struggle with mental health in a way that requires you to take medication and regularly attend therapy or not. I think it’s important to work on yourself. I talk a lot about making your marriage a priority, but I think that starts with making yourself a priority too! If you aren’t taking the time to fill your tank, care for yourself and check in with your mental, physical and emotional status, you won’t be ready to show up well for your marriage!