Making your marriage a priority doesn’t mean that your spouse and your relationship come first, above everything else, always and forever, with no exceptions. To make your marriage a priority, you do need to put in the work daily and be conscious about those things you’re doing to make the relationship with your spouse stronger. It can be all too easy to set building our relationship with our spouse on the back burner while we focus on other important things in our life. Work, the kids, a side business, and even your own hobbies can take priority with their deadlines and needs. While these things are important, and definitely deserve our attention, if our marriage relationship is sacrificed so we can put everything we have toward those other things in our life, that’s a problem!
Related: Simple Ways to Prioritize Your Marriage Daily
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard couples say, “right now our focus is the kids, and our marriage will be there after they’re gone”. The problem with that way of thinking is that while your spouse as a person may still be there, and your legal union might still be intact, your relationship might not still be there after the kids are grown and gone. If you aren’t consciously making an effort to focus on your marriage throughout every stage of parenting, you’ll be empty nesters with an empty marriage as well.
You might think that something you’re choosing to do on your own, or for work has no real impact on your spouse, but it does. Maybe your spouse relies on you being home at a specific time each night. Or they plan on you being around for date night, family activities, to hold down the fort while they get their things done, or to be their teammate in housework, getting the kids to and from activities, etc. Making your marriage a priority means that you check in with your spouse on a regular basis. That you keep them informed and that you are aware of how your individual actions and decisions affect your relationship and your spouse as an individual.
Related: Mutual Respect in Marriage
Your family wouldn’t be a thing if it weren’t for your marriage. The relationship that the two of you founded your family on is important. It set the foundation for what your home would look like, the values your family would share, and the things that are important to all of you. You can do all the things to make your “house” pretty and shiny and comfortable. But if the foundation isn’t strong, none of that cosmetic stuff will matter in the end. Make it as much of a priority to work on strengthening your relationship with each other as you do all of the other stuff that defines you as a family.
Even when you don’t think your kids are watching or listening to you, they are! They might act grossed out when the two of you kiss in front of them or be annoyed when you head out on your weekly date. Do those things anyway! It’s ok if they see you disagree, as long as they see you solve those disagreements and get along too. You are modeling to them what their future romantic relationships should look like. Let them see you in love and make each other a priority over them sometimes. I’ve never heard anyone say that they wished their parents had loved each other less.
Related: Why Your Kids Need You to Make Your Marriage a Priority
Communication is one of the most important things in your marriage relationship. And not just communication, but clear communication. If your spouse says something that you’re not sure you understood, clarify it with them! Heck, clarify everything, even if you think you have it down pat. Communicate your desires, your needs, your wants, and your expectations in the relationship. Ask your spouse questions about their life, the things they’re working toward, and those things they’re dreaming of doing in the future. Talk, talk a lot, and talk often! And when your spouse is talking, set everything else aside and listen!
I remember when I was dating my husband, I would focus hard on my homework to get it done by the time he was off work. That way we could hang out together without me having to study while we did. Do you try just as hard to find time to spend together now as you did when you were dating? I suggest couples schedule 15-30 minutes each day that they can spend focused on each other, connecting over things other than the “business” of marriage. You could connect while you work on a puzzle together or go on a walk. You can also connect with something simple, like eating ice cream together while you watch the sunset, or sharing a drink in front of the fire.
Related: 3 Ways to Get Your Spouse to Prioritize Your Marriage Too
Physical touch is powerful in a relationship, and not just when it happens in the bedroom. Find opportunities to show affection to your spouse on a regular basis each day. Steal a kiss when you pass them on the stairs, give their leg a squeeze when you’re sitting next to each other, or brush your hand across the small of their back when you’re passing them in the kitchen. Don’t be afraid to pull them in for a long hug or a passionate kiss that ends with a dip. Take every opportunity you have to show your spouse how much they mean to you.
Related: Why Your Marriage Needs Meaningful Physical Touch Each Day
John Gottman coined the term “bids for connection”. Bids are described as “any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.” Rather than elaborating on them in my own terms, I’m going to suggest you click here for an excellent article from The Gottman Institute all about responding to our spouse’s bids and “turning towards” instead of away. It’s powerful stuff, I promise!
Life can be so serious and require a lot of our focus and attention. Don’t let the seriousness of life take over your relationship with your spouse! Have fun TOGETHER on a regular basis. I emphasized together because I heard Gottman Certified Therapist, Laura Heck, say once that we’re good at having fun alongside our spouses while playing with our kids or watching them have fun with a hobby that they enjoy. But we don’t spend enough time participating in something fun together! Immerse yourselves in play as a couple by looking for ways to laugh and have fun together on a daily basis.
Related: 11 Ways to Play More in Your Marriage
Making your marriage and your spouse a priority takes conscious effort every day. But the more you do it, the easier it will be, and the more of a habit it will become.
Related: Why You Need to Make Your Spouse a Priority Every Day