This post is an excerpt from chapter one of Prioritizing Date Night in Your Marriage. Click here to purchase your copy.
If you and your spouse are like the majority of couples, your relationship began with a first date. Because you both enjoyed that first date so much, you went on a second, a third, and a fourth. On one of those dates, you held hands for the first time. And on another, you had your first kiss. You were most likely on a date when the two of you first talked about where your relationship with each other was headed and if you could see it ending in marriage.
From the day you met each other until the day you got married, date night and quality one-on-one time together were most likely a priority for both of you. Those date nights helped your relationship grow and develop and led up to the day that you started your life together as husband and wife!
For a lot of couples, as soon as the knot is tied, date night drops way down on the list of things to do. And in some cases, dating each other stops altogether. When I’ve asked couples why they aren’t going on dates anymore, I’ve heard excuses like, “every night is date night!”. Or “we just have too much going on right now”. And “date nights were to give us a chance to spend time together. Now that we’re married, we see each other all the time”.
It’s critical for couples to continue dating! No matter how long they’ve known each other, how many years they’ve been married, or what their schedule looks like!
Think back to the early days of your relationship. How hard did the two of you work to find time to spend together? Do you and your spouse work just as hard to fit your relationship into your schedules now? The time you get to spend together each day provides a great opportunity for you to bond as a couple. But that doesn’t make date night any less important.
Social science literature says that there are five different ways date night strengthens marriage relationships. Date night improves communication. It keeps things between the two of you fresh and exciting. Date nights strengthen the romantic love in your relationship. And that time together increases commitment between husband and wife and helps you de-stress as a couple. Each of these five things contributes to a stronger relationship and a stronger marriage (Wilcox, 2012).
Research has shown that those couples who spend intentional quality time together at least once a week report higher levels of happiness in their relationship. Weekly couple time has also been shown to decrease the likelihood of divorce. And lead both husband and wife to experience above-average levels of sexual satisfaction and satisfaction with communication and commitment. (Wilcox, 2012).
There are some stages of life when you and your spouse may realize that you took for granted all of the opportunities for quality time that your previous stages provided. I’ve found this to be true in my own marriage, as we have transitioned from stage to stage. Earlier on in our marriage, when most couples find that they have a lot of free time to spend together, it was harder for us to make date night happen because of the late hours that my husband’s job required him to work. Similar struggles arose when I was completing my final few semesters of school. Although we both had regular 9-5 jobs and were home together more often than we used to be. I was tied to my homework most nights and couldn’t always spend time connecting as a couple.
Now that we are parents, our date nights are limited by extra costs for the babysitter, our kids’ needs, and other parental responsibilities. But for some reason, date night comes more easily than it used to. My guess is that this is because our time alone together, especially the time that we get outside the house, isn’t as frequent or easy to come by. So date night has become a higher priority for us.
No matter our stage or situation in life, my husband and I have always striven to set aside time each week when we can step away from our regular routine and make time for fun with each other. We have learned just how important that intentional connection is for our relationship in our current stage and as we work to build a strong future together.
The relationship that you and your spouse have with each other doesn’t hit perfection the minute you say “I do”. You have to continue to work on your relationship if you want it to last a lifetime. And you don’t hit the height of your connection as a couple as soon as you are married. Just as the two of you went on dates to strengthen that connection and get to know each other better before you were married. Your relationship needs date night to continue to get to know each other and strengthen your connection even more after you and your love get married.
You could argue that you talk every single night and see each other every single day. And you could question the need to set aside time specifically for that connection. I would argue in return that it is just as important now as it was when you were dating to set aside intentional time to enjoy each other’s company and bond as a couple.
Regular and consistent quality time is important in every marriage. Aside from your everyday routines and responsibilities, it’s important to remember to have fun together! Date night provides the perfect setting to have fun, make memories, and bond with one another.
Date night isn’t about the extravagance of the activity, the money spent, or the time away from your kids. It should be a time when you reconnect as a married couple and a time when you can fall in love all over again. Date night can take both of you back to the carefree days of your relationship before you had bills to pay, kids to worry about, or other life responsibilities that bring added stress.
Data from a recent study done by The Marriage Foundation found that “the odds of splitting up among couples who went out monthly or less often were 14% lower over the next 10 years compared to couples who went out either weekly or rarely” (Benson, 2016).
We have a goal to get out of the house kid-free at least twice a month. And we make a point to do something fun together at least once a week. The Institute for Family Studies believes that “when couples get out for date night together once in a while, they are reinforcing their level of commitment and the importance of their marriage relationship” (IFS 2016).
Your go-to activity as a couple or the classic dinner and a movie are great options for date night. But research would suggest that you should limit how often you schedule those activities on your calendar for your date.
Dr. Aron, a professor of social psychology at the State University of New York and Stonybrook, and his colleagues have spent a lot of time researching couples and their date night habits. They found that one of the best things a couple can do to keep their relationship strong and vibrant for years is to reinvent date night and try something new and different that they haven’t done before. New experiences “activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love; a time of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about a new partner.” (New York Times, 2008).
I love to think back to the early days of dating my husband. Reminiscing about some of our date nights and all of the firsts that are experienced in a new relationship is exhilarating! I’m reminded of all of those feelings of infatuation and excitement. The very thought of him made me giddy! And I couldn’t help but smile when I caught a glimpse of him for the first time each day or his name popped up on my phone.
My feelings for my husband are stronger now than they were back then, but those twitterpated moments seem rare. Even though those feelings we felt as we fell in love are still there, we have to work to keep them alive. And not let our relationship with each other become one of two roommates instead of two lovers.
For the past couple of years, we have sat down together to create a date night bucket list each January. We are always looking for new things to add to the next year’s list. Having a list of activities that my husband and I want to do together, especially ones that we haven’t ever done before or have been talking about doing for a while, encourages us to get out of our date night rut. Keeping date night exciting and different from our every day prevents boredom, gives the two of us something to look forward to and creates memories that we look back on fondly.
Your date night activities don’t have to be extravagant, expensive, or time-consuming to keep things fun and fresh. Something as simple as trying out a new location for your dinner date each week can keep date night interesting. I’m a big advocate of having a routine in your life. But when it comes to date night, routine turns a special occasion into regular quality time. There’s nothing wrong with dinner and a movie. But switching it up and trying to do something different for the majority of your date nights will keep things exciting. And it will help you and your spouse build a relationship that will last a lifetime.
Setting goals, conquering challenges, and walking hand in hand through life together are all great for your relationship. Life may throw unique adventures your way, and those adventures may not always be fun. Keep your relationship from going stale by making date night a priority in your marriage and finding something fun and new to do together during that time each week!
The more you and your spouse work to make date night a priority, the more easily ideas for what to do on those dates will come to you and the more of a habit date night will become. Date night will no longer be something that you do each week because you know it’s important for your marriage. Date night will become something that you both look forward to with excitement each week.
Make your marriage more of a priority by making date night a priority! No matter what your life stage looks like, you and your spouse won’t ever regret setting aside that time to focus on each other.
My goal in writing Prioritizing Date Night in Your Marriage was to take the pressure off of planning date night and help couples start having fun together on a regular basis. I want this book to be a resource for you and your spouse as you are deciding what you want to do together on your planned evening out (or in) each week. This book includes my best tips and tricks to help you make date night happen on a regular basis. And tips to make the planning less stressful. I’ve also included over 300 date night ideas to give you some fun things to do together. Click here to grab your copy and continue reading.
Aron, A., Norman, C.C., Aron, E.N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R.E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 78(2), 273-284.
Benson, H., McKay, S. (2016). “Date nights” strengthen marriages. The Marriage Foundation.
Benson, H (2016). The benefits of monthly date nights for married couples. Institute for Family Studies.
Parker-Pope, T (2008). Reinventing date night for long-married couples. The New York Times.
Wilcox, W.B., & Dew, J. (2012). The date night opportunity: What does couple time tell us about the potential value of date nights? The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia.
