When we talk about The 5 Love Languages, we tend to focus a lot on what we should be doing. But I never hear anybody mention the things you shouldn’t do. That’s right, there are things that are a DON’T when it comes to your spouse’s (and your) love languages! These are the things that speak the opposite of love when you do them. And just like the actions or words that fill up your spouse’s love bucket. These things can take away from the love that your spouse feels.
John Gottman always says that it takes five positive interactions to counteract one negative interaction. When it comes to the things that you might do that speak unlovingly to your spouse, I might add one or two more. Look at the lists below, for both your and your spouse’s love languages. What rings true for you? Ask your spouse how they feel and what other things they’d add. Then work consciously to eliminate these things from your marriage.
Related: Five Secrets of The 5 Love Languages
Whenever my husband starts to tell me a story or talk about something, I try to make a conscious effort to stop whatever I’m doing. Put your phone down for a minute. Leave the dishes and turn so you can focus on your spouse. Take a break from work, etc. If you’re doing something that needs to be finished, ask your spouse for a minute. Then when you get to your stopping point, set it aside and give them your full attention.
When your spouse is talking, be mentally there as well. Make notes of the things they’re saying. Not just to remember to-do list items later on. But so you can remember the details of something. And when your spouse is recalling that conversation later, you’ll know exactly what they’re talking about. And they won’t feel the need to repeat everything.
Sometimes, these things can’t be avoided. People get sick and event details out of your control are changed. But make sure that you aren’t the one initiating the “rain check”. If it’s an emergency or unavoidable, they’ll be disappointed but I’m sure they’ll understand. When it’s something that happens often, that’s when it becomes a true problem.
Do you have a routine of binge-watching a show, playing video games, or some other activity that doesn’t allow time with your spouse? You don’t have to make every spare moment of your time about them. But you should make an effort to connect with your spouse. Maybe you set aside a certain amount of time each night. Or pick a night or two to do something connecting with them.
In addition to keeping your phones out of sight during date night, I often suggest that couples request a table not facing any TVs in a restaurant. If you’re someone who is distracted by games or news or other things that might be playing, this could be a good idea. I often get distracted by watching other people when we’re out. Anything that takes your attention away from your spouse on date night should be avoided.
Words of affirmation spouses might be extra sensitive to tone. If they sense negativity, sarcasm, or a raised voice, it will shut them down.
This one should be obvious and explains itself. Name-calling, criticizing their decisions or things they do, etc. All of those things speak negatively to your words of affirmation spouse.
Be very aware of how you talk about your spouse in front of other people. Don’t make fun of them or share negative things. This is not good behavior in general, but especially for those whose top love language is words of affirmation.
Treat your spouse with respect. They are a capable human being, even if they don’t do things the way you would or the way you’d like them to. When giving feedback or direction, be aware of how you’re speaking. Don’t treat your spouse like they are less than you because of something that they say or do.
Compliments speak volumes to someone whose love language is words of affirmation. Don’t stop letting your spouse know when they look extra good, or when they’ve done something you’re proud of. Look for ways to praise your spouse on a regular basis.
Do you take your spouse for granted? Do you say thank you for the simple things that they do for you daily? Take time to appreciate the things your spouse does, small or big. Not sharing your gratitude is a negative thing.
Related: Love Language Dialects
When you leave messes behind or create a bigger project for someone whose love language is acts of service, it’s not good. These are the type of people who like things “left in better condition than you found them”. Try your best to make your spouse’s job easier.
If you say you’ll do something, do it, and do it when you say you will! When you agree to something and then don’t do it, an acts of service person feels discouraged. Always follow through to show that you respect your spouse and that they can trust you.
Do you moan and groan when your spouse asks for help? Or do you act less than thrilled when they suggest something? If your spouse is asking you for something, it’s something that really matters. Don’t ask why or tell them that you’d rather not. Instead, “serve with a smile”.
Once you’ve agreed to help your spouse with something, try to do it happily. If your spouse feels like a burden, they’re going to also feel slightly unloved. They are aware of the sacrifices you are making, and they appreciate it. But when you rub those things in their face and moan and groan about it, they would rather you not help, and as a result, feel unloved.
Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. are all important to make note of! Receiving gifts people also tend to like to celebrate obscure things. I like to think of Leslie Knope and how she creates a holiday for everything and comes up with the perfect gift for everything. Know what your spouse likes to celebrate! Be aware of little things that might need to be celebrated with a gift of some kind. Examples might be completing a big project at work, passing a test they studied hard for, or finally completing that big to-do list item.
Just because your spouse likes gifts, doesn’t mean that it can be anything. Again, think like Leslie Knope, who always comes up with the perfect gift for those she loves. I suggest having a list on your phone of things your spouse loves. Foods, drinks, favorite color, music, etc. are all ideas of things to make note of. And then have a secret wish list of things your spouse mentions wanting. If your gift has thought put into it, it will be appreciated! A random object won’t necessarily speak love.
When your spouse mentions something, make a note! If they pick something up at the store and mention they like it, take a picture. If they even walk past something and give it a positive reaction, make a mental note. Receiving gifts people will often tell you what they’d love. Whether it’s as simple as “grab a treat for me while you’re in the gas station”. Or as big as “I saw a new kitchen table that I really want us to save for”.
Related: The Secret to Success with The 5 Love Languages
This is an obvious no in any relationship. But any negative touch, or physical abuse, is going to be an especially huge turn-off for a physical touch spouse.
If you don’t make efforts to touch your spouse, this speaks unlovingly. Not making an effort to cuddle, give hugs or hold their hand. Not being the one to initiate the physical touch. These are all things to avoid when your spouse’s love language is physical touch. Instead, go out of your way to share meaningful touch often.
If your spouse reaches out for a hug or to hold your hand, or some other form of touch and receives a rejection, this is a bad thing. Be willing to give your spouse an extra long hug when they need it, even if it feels inconvenient. Hold their hand in public, and when they’re feeling insecure. Accept and embrace your spouse’s acts of love.
As you can see, the “not to do” things related to each love language are just as important, if not more important than the “to do” items. And because negative interactions tend to have a lasting impression, it’s crucial that you’re aware of them. I might even venture to say that avoiding these things is more important than the things you choose to do.