When couples take The 5 Love Languages quiz, more often than you’d guess, they find that they share the same love language. Or their top two are similar and just swapped in being top or second with scores. I often hear those couples say that “things are going to be easy for us!” Because they assume that it will be easy to speak that same love language. But even within the same love language, people show and receive love differently. This is known as the love language dialects!
So while couples who score really similarly on the quiz think that things will be easy for them, they often find that to not be true. That’s because, within every love language, there can be different dialects. Love language dialects were something that I recognized early on in my own marriage. And then during an online date night put on by The 5 Love Languages a month or so ago, Gary Chapman addressed the dialects.
Related: The Secret to Success with The 5 Love Languages
When my husband and I were first married, we learned this lesson firsthand. We both shared our primary love languages. His top two were Physical Touch and then Quality Time. And mine was opposite with Quality Time being the top and Physical Touch being the next. Our scores were close enough that we felt confident that we were good to go. But with our Physical Touch love language specifically, we each appreciated completely different things. I loved cuddling and long hugs and my husband got too hot when we cuddled and got antsy if we hugged for too long. He really appreciated back scratches, but I didn’t like to scratch his back very often or for very long.
Even though we were speaking the same language, we were expressing it in very different ways. We both had to recognize what the other person needed and make it happen. It took intentional effort to speak each other’s love language when we thought it was going to be so easy.
As couples sit down to take The 5 Love Languages quiz together, I suggest something specific that helps combat this. I tell each spouse to sit down with a notebook and a pen and take notes while they’re filling out the quiz. You want to write down anything that speaks to you, whether you feel like it relates to your love language or not. For example, you might assume that you’re a Words of Affirmation person, but the phrase ‘I appreciate when my spouse reaching out to hold my hand’ really speaks to you.
After you have completed the quiz, you can sit down and discuss your results together. Read through the description of your shared love language, provided by The 5 Love Languages. Then go over the notes that the two of you took while you were taking the quiz. Maybe talk specifically about those things you wrote down that had to do with your shared love language. Spend some time talking about how you each give and receive love in that love language.
Related: Using Your Spouse’s Love Language to Pick the Perfect Gift
Using our shared language of Quality Time as an example, let me share something that my husband and I learned. He loves time at home, relaxing on the couch or in the yard, talking, or watching our current Netflix binge together. I love any time when we get to go on a date outside of the house, whether it’s for a short time or a few hours. We had to find a balance between date nights out and date nights at home. Because we both liked that quality time in different ways.
After more discussion, we found that we both love when we can get away together for a night or two. So we make overnight getaways a priority in our marriage, at least twice a year. On our overnight getaways, we have a balance of time in our room connecting and relaxing together. And time out on date nights doing something fun, trying a new restaurant, or just going for a walk.
Related: Five Secrets of The 5 Love Languages
If the two of you scored close to the same on any of our love languages, don’t assume you don’t have to do much. Dig deeper to discover what each other’s love language dialect is! You’ll love your love language, even more, when you’ve discussed it and come to a compromise on what you need from each other.