You’ll most often find me sharing things you can do together, as a couple, to strengthen your marriage relationship. But today, I wanted to share some things you can do, that don’t have anything to do with your marriage directly, that will still help strengthen it! A lot of people might think that these things are counteractive to making your relationship better. Or that they have nothing to do with the relationship that you have with your spouse. I’m here to tell you otherwise, and share how these seemingly unrelated actions will actually make your marriage better! These four things will help to indirectly strengthen your marriage.
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Something I’ve learned over the last few years is that self-care is critical to my relationship with my husband. When I’m feeling drained and like I’m doing everything for everyone but myself, I’m not showing up well in my relationships and roles in life. But when I take time each day to put myself first, I show up as my best self in all of those various areas. We can’t expect our spouse, or anyone else in our life, to completely fill our bucket. We have to be responsible for that ourselves. And we can’t pour into others if our bucket is empty.
Some days my self-care looks like listening to a podcast I love while I clean the house. On other days I have a date night with myself, order my favorite takeout and watch a romantic comedy while I paint my nails. Find something you can do every single day to fill your own bucket so you’re not running on empty. Plan time to focus on yourself, just like you plan time for date night with your spouse or to connect with your kids.
Tip: Self-care is different than self-maintenance. Self-maintenance tasks are things like showering, feeding yourself throughout the day, and getting enough sleep. Self-care goes above and beyond that, just a bit. Think about the things you do for your loved ones, not just because they need it (like food), but because you care for them and want them to feel loved.
Related: 5 Ways I’ve Invested in Myself This Year
Having friends that the two of you enjoy hanging out with as a couple is important! But having friends who are just yours, and who you spend time with on your own is important too! I know a lot of couples who make all of their friends “our friends” after they get married, and drift away from those friends who aren’t compatible with the two of them as a couple. Couple friends are great, but so are your own individual friends! And even hanging out with those friends you share as a couple, in settings where you aren’t with your spouse, will create a different friendship with those people.
I have a group of girls I get together with every couple of months or so. Some of us are in the same stage of life as each other and we hang out as couples separately. But others are in many different stages of life. We love that girl time and gain a lot from being together on a regular basis. I have other friends who I hang out with one-on-one every couple of months. Right now, the majority of my separate friendships are happening through Marco Polo and social media. But every so often we are able to find ways to safely get together and build each other up.
Related: 4 Ways to Learn from Other Couples Around You
I usually share all of the things you can do to spend more time together as a couple, but today I’m sharing the opposite. Spending time apart regularly can do a lot for your marriage! It helps you keep your individuality as a person. It gives you opportunities to focus on those things and people that you don’t share a vested interest in with your spouse. Time apart also gives you the opportunity to miss each other. It will have you looking forward to the time you do get to be with your spouse later on.
There needs to be a balance of time apart and time together. If you find yourself making excuses for why you’re spending so much time away from your marriage, you might need to rein in your “alone time”. We shoot for an hour or two of our own time each day. You’ll find us doing our own activities, going out with friends, or watching shows in separate rooms. When we start spending all of our free time together, I notice that we feel like we don’t have time for our own things. Time spent apart while you’re at work or in school isn’t necessarily the same. Because it’s not time that you’re using to enjoy your individuality if that makes sense.
Related: Dating Yourself – Why It’s As Important As Dating Your Spouse
As my life has gotten busier over the years, my own personal hobbies fell by the wayside. I noticed that I was no longer reading for fun or sitting at my piano to sing. I was neglecting the things that I’d always enjoyed doing when it was just me. It’s easy to blame the roles we play in life for “taking over”. And I often hear people, mostly women, say that they’ve lost themselves in whatever roles they’re currently playing. If it’s something that’s important to you and that you want to do, make time for it!
One thing I’ve started doing is reading at least one chapter each day, from a book I’m reading just for me. Not one to improve my marriage or help me parent better or learn more for my career. I’ll read in the carpool lane, after the kids are in bed, while I’m waiting for someone at an appointment, or even while my kids are having their own individual reading time. And I do the same thing when it comes to sitting down and singing for fun. Sometimes I sing when I’m alone in the car, or spend some time at the piano while my kids are gone. Or I’ll let the kids have alone time to hang out with dad while I take time for myself.
Related: 10+ Hobbies for Couples to Enjoy Together
Pick one of the things listed above, and make a conscious effort to do it this week! Create new rituals and routines that allow you to have intentional time apart. In addition to the intentional quality time that you spend together. This last year especially, I think we’ve seen a lot of relationship burnout from all of the time that couples are spending together. The opportunities we’ve had to spend more time with our families have been great. But it can sometimes feel like too much of a good thing. Be intentional and spend time being your own individual self! You’ll find that you’re enjoying the other relationships in your life more too!