If there was one thing I wish every married couple understood about intimacy, it would be that intimacy isn’t just the physical connection you share with each other. Intimacy is the like, know, and trust you have in your marriage relationship! What happens in the bedroom can be intimate, and can deepen your intimacy, but true intimacy in marriage starts long before those moments. One of my favorite dictionary definitions of intimacy is “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person.” I also love its synonyms which are closeness, familiarity, warmth, and affection. A professor of mine once shared a “formula” for intimacy and said that intimacy = time + togetherness + talk. The depth of intimacy you have with your spouse will ebb and flow throughout your relationship and can be deeper in some areas than in others. Just because you don’t feel close physically or emotionally, doesn’t mean you don’t have that connection anymore or can’t work to bring it back!
Intimacy is the closeness you share with another person or how much you know about a topic or situation. You probably have an intimate knowledge of your hobbies, current events, and the people in your life. And you can have an intimate relationship with people other than your spouse, but your marriage should be the most intimate relationship you have, and be the one that includes sexual intimacy.
There are actually six different types of intimacy in a marriage relationship. Emotional intimacy is created when you share your feelings, thoughts, desires, and dreams with each other. Intellectual intimacy is created by learning together. Spiritual intimacy is built around your shared religious or spiritual beliefs. Experiential intimacy is created by actively enjoying life together. Financial intimacy is created by being willing to communicate regarding your money. Physical intimacy is created through meaningful and loving physical touch. If you want to dive deeper into each type of intimacy, I recommend this book, The 6 Pillars of Intimacy.
Related: 30 Ways to Increase the Intimacy in Your Marriage
If you are looking to improve the intimacy in your marriage, I’ve created a list of 30 Ways to Increase the Intimacy in Your Marriage, connected to each of those six types of intimacy above. But I would encourage you to start with the three simple pieces of the formula I shared earlier (time + togetherness + talk) and using those to build the like, know, and trust you have in each other, in those areas that need the most work. If you do, you will have a more well rounded, enjoyable, and fulfilling
You can’t expect to have an intimate relationship with someone you don’t even like! You liked each other enough to start a life together, and hopefully you still like each other, no matter what stage of life you find yourselves in. There will be things about your spouse that aren’t your absolute favorite, but you aren’t going to love every part of every person in your life. Make a list of the things you enjoy about each other, the things that always make you smile, and those silly quirks that you can’t help but love. Take time every day to set aside the responsibilities you share and remember what made you want to do life together in the first place!
You have to truly know someone who you want to have an intimate relationship with! When couples know their spouse’s order, the things that make them tick or shut down, their interests and favorites, and all of their hopes and dreams, they share an intimacy that couples who don’t know those things about each other are lacking. John Gottman calls these Love Maps, or how much you know about your partner’s world. The person you knew when you got married is not the same person you know today, even if their favorite things and closest friends and even their goals for the future haven’t shifted much. Take time regularly to have personal conversations that don’t involve the business side of your relationship and will help you continue to get to know the current version of each other as you journey through life together.
Related: The Best Conversation Starters for Married Couples
You absolutely have to trust someone who you want to have an intimate relationship with! Trust isn’t just believing what one another says, it’s also feeling safe and being your true self and sharing every piece of you without fear of judgement or rejection or insult. It is possible to trust each other with your hopes and dreams but not fully trust each other when it comes to discussing and handling money. You can feel comfortable being your weird and quirky self in every day life but feel closed off when it comes to physical intimacy. The two of you might have a great connection in the bedroom but lack the ability to be fully intimate emotionally and mentally. Find where you don’t fully trust each other and work together to do what is needed to build that trust and strengthen your relationship.
Related: Respect Each Other in Marriage
You should be working every day of your marriage to deepen the intimate connection you share. When you stop working on it, you start to lose what was there and have more to build back. A couple may have amazing chemistry and physical connection while also knowing a lot about one another and feel safe sharing the deepest desires of their heart but have no shared hobbies or ever laugh together. Work towards a balanced and deeply satisfying intimate marriage, both in and out of the bedroom!