There are, unfortunately, a lot of women out there who feel like they have taken on the brunt of home management responsibilities. I see memes and social media videos making light of a very real situation on a regular basis. Should the responsibilities around the house and with the kids be shared in a marriage? Most definitely! I feel they should be shared because marriage is a partnership and the two of you are a team!
The truth is, not all marriages are functioning as a true partnership. And a lot of times, it isn’t intentional, it’s just due to a difference in perspective. Your husband might not see all of the things that you manage when he’s not home. Or what’s being done behind the scenes of what’s physically apparent. Maybe he thinks you have everything handled and under control and that things are running just fine how they are. Or maybe he believes in more traditional gender roles and expects you to take care of everything at home while he supports the family by going to work.
Whatever the reason for the uneven distribution of tasks you perceive in your marriage, it’s not too late to change! I hope this post gives you actionable tips and ideas to stop feeling like your husband never helps out.
In addition to the tips in this post, an extra resource I’ve discovered for support and education on this topic is the book, Fair Play. Fair Play is listed as “a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities”. It was born from one woman’s recognition that she was carrying the majority of the mental load for household and family things. She realized that she needed more help. After interviewing hundreds of men and women, she developed a system to help herself and other couples in similar situations. You should also grab The Fair Play Deck: A Couple’s Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What’s Important as a companion to the book. The card deck will help you put what you learn about the Fair Play system into action in your own marriage and home.
Related: What to Discuss During a Marriage Business Meeting
Whether your husband feels like you have everything under control or doesn’t realize that you would like extra help, he’ll never think otherwise until you tell him. There are a few different ways to ask for help, without making your spouse feel like they’re currently doing nothing. Tell your spouse, “I have the kids’ soccer practice, bills that need to be paid, and two loads of laundry to put away today. Then ask, “Do you have time that you could take one of those things off my plate today?” Or you could say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything I need to get done today. Would you be willing to help me out by taking [child] to their lesson tonight?” Whichever way you choose to communicate, make it positive, and don’t criticize what they are or aren’t already doing.
In addition to asking for help when you need it, be willing to accept help when your husband offers. If your spouse asks if there’s anything you need help with, say yes and give him things he can do. If you are always saying, “No, I’ve got it all covered right now”, he’s to think you are managing everything just fine. I’ve learned, just in my everyday life, that it’s ok to accept help! It gives other people the opportunity to serve you and learn new things. And it teaches you to be more humble, and delegate tasks that need to be done. My guess is that your husband would be happy to help if he were asked and given the chance to!
A common joke I see circulating on social media says something about loading the dishwasher, knowing that your spouse is going to come along and redo the whole thing. I have to admit that I’ve been guilty of redoing something after my husband has done it “wrong”. Or when he’s unloading the dishwasher, rather than offering to show him where various things live in the kitchen, I grump about not being able to find things because they were put away elsewhere. When your kids are learning how to do something new, you are extra patient and accept that it won’t be done perfectly. Your husband isn’t a child, but when he’s doing something he doesn’t do every day, it’s going to be different than the way you do it. Because for you it is familiar and comfortable.
Related: Three Ways to Divide Household Tasks in Your Marriage
I heard a quote the other day about the next best way to do something isn’t the “wrong way” to do it. This is something that I’ve had to learn the hard way in my marriage. Just because you do the laundry or load the dishwasher or clean the house in a specific way, doesn’t mean that it’s the only way that will work. If your husband is willing to help, don’t tell him he’s doing it wrong. You’re less likely to get future help with other things if he feels like your way is the only right way.
Does your husband ever resist helping with something because he doesn’t know what to do or because he doesn’t feel confident in his abilities? Provide him with a tutorial or two or ask where clarification is needed. I remember one winter, my husband didn’t want to wake up super early to clear snow before work. He asked if I’d be willing to bundle our toddlers up and do it before the things that I had planned for the day. In addition to asking for help with what was normally something he’d take care of, he offered to show me how to use the snowblower. He knew I’d never used it, and wanted to give me a faster, easier option than shoveling. Having that tutorial made me more willing to help out, and helped me feel more a part of a partnership.
Even when it feels like your spouse does nothing to help when compared to the mental load you carry in your marriage, thank them for the things they do. When they take the garbage out, thank them! If they work alongside you to complete a task, thank them! When you ask for their input or opinion on something you’re dealing with and they help you make a decision, thank them for participating. You’ll find that two things happen as a result of your gratitude.
The first thing you’ll start to see is that you’ll notice more of what your spouse is doing and less of what they’re not. When you change your focus, you’ll see the things you focus on change. The second thing that will happen is that your husband will indeed help more often. Feeling appreciated and recognized for the things they are doing encourages a person to do more of that thing. You might find that your husband starts looking for more things to help with or even asking you for a list of things he can do to lift your burden. Start thanking your husband and see how things change.
Related: How Regular Marriage Meetings Can Benefit Your Marriage
There can of course be situations when a husband refuses to take on his fair share of the load that comes with being a married adult. If you’re in that situation and find that none of these tips help, I suggest trying couples counseling. For most wives, I truly believe that the suggestions in this post will make your marriage better! And I hope that you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders as things shift.