This post was originally published on A Prioritized Marriage in April 2016. Just before I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree in Family Studies. The timeline of events in this post is not accurate from today’s date. I’ve added in some updated notes in italics
A month before I met Joe, I started my college education. When we started hanging out, I told him that my plan was to complete my generals and graduate with my associates degree. By the time we got married eight months later, I had found a field of study that I was really passionate about. And I changed my plans to pursue a four year degree instead.
Even though you will probably never find Joe pursuing a college degree. He was extremely supportive of me as I pursued mine. Having his support meant a lot to me, especially after our kids came along. There is no way I would have been able to finish my degree without him. I hope our experience helps give you some practical tips to help you support your spouse while they are in school.
Editor’s note August 2020: I’m now pursuing my graduate degree! And Joe has learned to never say never because he is working on his undergrad now as well.
The moment he met me, Joe knew that a chunk of our income would go to pay for my schooling for the first few years of our marriage. We both committed to budgeting and sacrificing things that we’d really like so that we could pay for my education without going into debt. Every year when we’d sit down to do our taxes and we’d the amount of money that we put toward school. Joe would cringe a little bit as he thought about all of the things that we could have done with those funds instead.
My last year of tuition, fees, and books was close to $10,000. That included a little bit of financial aid for the last two semesters. That money could have been used to pay for a fun vacation, purchase a decent used car, or take care of some of the house projects that we are dying to get working on. We could have become home owners a lot sooner if we’d had that extra chunk of change to put toward saving for a down payment each year.
Sure, we talked about everything that we could have been doing with that money instead. But any time I mentioned taking a few semesters off so we would have more money for something that we really needed it for at the moment, Joe encouraged me to keep going. I knew that he supported my pursuit of the degree that I valued because he always found a way to make it happen.
Editor’s note August 2020: We’re going to be paying for two degrees at once, one being a graduate degree, over the next couple of years. My husband is still supportive of me pursuing mine and I support him pursuing his. We’ve found ways to make it work, but we’re both fully prepared to sacrifice to achieve our dreams and let each other do the same.
Related: Why You Should Make Your Spouse’s Goals Your Own?
This past year, the sacrifices that Joe has made have been even greater. Our first baby was born just before the end of one of my semesters. I knew that taking care of a baby while I was in class and doing homework was a lot of work for my husband. But I don’t think I realized just how much work it was until a couple of weeks ago.
I had a week without any night classes, so I got to be home with our son more. My husband had church commitments a couple of those nights and a project that he needed to finish for his lawn care company on another of those nights. I ended up being on my own with Bensen three nights in a row. My mom fed both of us dinner, so I really only had to be responsible for getting Bensen bathed one night and to bed all three nights.
But after a full day of work, those few hours before bedtime were exhausting! I love my sweet boy and he’s so fun to play with. But the bedtime routine is time consuming and a challenge. Even with a baby who loves to go to bed. On the second night, I found myself appreciating Joe so much more for taking care of Bensen on his own three or four nights a week since January. It’s possible to have kids while going to school, but you’ll definitely need extra support.
Editor’s note August 2020: Now our kids are five and four, and we’re still making school possible. We’ve set up a new space in our house for class time and studying, to better fit this season of life and our family’s needs. We’re relying on each other for support. And we’re turning to family for support as well. If you have kids, you can do school, but you NEED that support system.
Whether you are currently supporting your spouse as they pursue an education, will potentially be in that situation in the future, or are the one in school and pass this article on to your significant other, I hope you find these suggestions helpful. As someone who has spent the last five years and eight months in college. I can tell you that having a supportive spouse makes a world of difference! I guess I don’t know what it’s like to have a non-supportive spouse in this situation. so I can’t compare my situation to that. But I do know that without Joe, I wouldn’t be graduating at the end of this week. Support your spouse while they are in school; it makes a world of difference!
Related: When Life Happens, Support Each Other
School takes up a lot of extra time and energy. Classes (online or in person), homework, group projects, and other academic requirements are draining. These things always take more time than anticipated. And by the time you are done, your brain has lost all power to think. If your spouse has other commitments in addition to school, they are probably even more drained.
Some days there might not be a homemade meal. Some weekends your spouse might want to stay home and veg on the couch when you’re excited about the idea of going out. And some nights they may go to bed early or not feel like talking or connecting with you. Be understanding and know that this might happen every once and a while. But if it seems to happen more often than not, find out what you can do to help relieve some of your stress. This way they will have more time to spend with you and not so many extra responsibilities.
Related: Having Empathy for Your Spouse
When your spouse is engulfed in their studies, it can be a little boring for you. I promise they would rather be spending time with you than writing papers and studying for tests. Leaving your spouse alone might not seem supportive. But it’s one of the best ways you can support your spouse while they are in school. The homework will take three times as long if you keep begging for their attention. If you feel neglected, make sure you communicate that to your spouse during your marriage and family meetings. Come to an agreement on how you are going to balance homework and your time together.
Maybe you could spend an hour talking and hang out together every night before homework starts. Or maybe your spouse prefers to get homework out of the way immediately. In this case, you might set a time every night for homework to be put away. You may also need to set an end for that time you will be spending together. That way, if there is more that your spouse needs to get done for school, they know that they’ll still have time to finish after your couple time. And be sure to schedule a regular date night, void of all school responsibilities!
Weekly date night, daily couple rituals, and regular family mealtime are all great opportunities to take a break from homework and let your brain rest. But sometimes, you need more time away from the books. If your spouse spends their entire Saturday working on a project or an assignment. Ask them if they would like to take a break to get out of the house. For lunch or grab some ice cream in the middle of the afternoon.
When there are deadlines to meet and you know that your spouse can’t take a break, bring the break to them! Go out and bring home ice cream, lunch, a homemade meal, or their favorite treat. Or you could share a funny YouTube video or meme. Or encourage them to take a walk around the block with you. Studying is important, but it can start to take over your life in college. It’s just as important to spend some time away from homework as it is to study.
Related: 10 Ways to Connect with Your Spouse in 10 Minutes or Less
When I was taking math classes the first couple of years of college, I would stop by Kneader’s every time I took a quiz or a test. I didn’t always do well on them. But just spending the time and brainpower on them was a big accomplishment for me. (Math and I have never been friends…) At the end of each semester, Joe and I would splurge on a more expensive than a normal date night out together. And you’d better believe there will be months of celebrating after I graduate this week.
There are so many things that you can celebrate with your spouse while they are in school. Including a great score on an exam, passing a class that you know was difficult, completing a big project, or finishing a long paper. Your celebrations could be big, like a fancy meal at their favorite restaurant or going on an elaborate date night. Or your celebrations could be smaller! Like bringing home your spouse’s favorite treat or letting them pick the movie for date night. I think this is one of the greatest ways that you can support your spouse while they are in school.
I think that helping your spouse study is one of the greatest things that you can do to support your spouse while they are in school. Not only will you be helping them out, but you will also be learning more about their interests and field of study. When your spouse has a test coming up, offer to help them study using their study guide or flashcards. You can quiz them, discuss the concepts at the dinner table. Or text them reminders about the things that were toughest for them to remember.
Be sure to wish your spouse good luck before their test. Then find out how it went, what their score was, and what they missed on the test. You can send a simple text, and it will mean the world to your spouse. This will help your spouse to see that you care. And knowing what they missed will help you help them study more efficiently for their next exam.
After my first semester in my Bachelor’s program, I noticed that my love language had shifted. Quality time and physical touch were still high scorers. But acts of service had moved up from low on my list to take first place. Coming home to a clean house and clean laundry on one of my longest days of the week made me happier than almost anything else. Having a clean house is something that I value. When my house is even somewhat messy, I have a hard time focusing on other things, like homework.
Classes and homework take a lot of time, and your spouse may feel stressed. And they might feel the need to stay up late to take care of their normal household responsibilities, in addition to everything else they have on their plate. Consider using some of your downtime to take care of some of your spouse’s chores. And maybe consider taking on a few of their tasks on a more permanent basis, at least until this stage of life has passed.
Related: “Do You Want to Have a Cleaning Party for Date Night?”
Celebrate your spouse’s accomplishments. Tell your spouse that you’re proud of them. And make sacrifices to help your spouse achieve their goals. Do whatever you can to help and support your spouse in school. Your spouse will likely face a lot of pushback. But your support and encouragement can help them push through to the end.
Getting a college education is rewarding, but it has also been one of the hardest things that I’ve done. I really wouldn’t have been able to push through without my husband there encouraging me from the sidelines. He celebrated my accomplishments, was sympathetic when I wasn’t successful in something, and encouraged me to keep going, even when it seemed easier to quit.
Depending on what field of study your spouse is in and what type of degree they are trying to get. Your “spouse of a student” stage of life could last a couple of years or even a decade. Education is important, but it can take a lot of time away from your marriage.
Make sure that you let your spouse know that you love them and support them in their academic endeavors. But also be sure to sit down together and schedule time for your marriage. You don’t want your relationship to get lost in the hectic pace of student life!
I would love to hear what you do to support your spouse while they are in school! Share some of your own suggestions in the comments below.
