Missionaries from our religion have a weekly planning meeting. They also use this meeting time to resolve any conflicts that they may have with each other. A lot of couples, with one or the other having served a mission and used this tactic, have tried to apply this companion inventory in their marriage as well. And I’ve heard stories about those inventories going extremely wrong and ending with hurt feelings on both sides.
I always hear it suggested that couples don’t have a companion inventory, for the sake of their marriage, but I don’t think that is the only answer. I personally believe that taking inventory of your relationship during your weekly marriage meeting can be really beneficial. If it’s done in the right way and with the right spirit. I love the idea of a “state of our marriage” type meeting, at least once a month, to ensure that you’re both on the same page and making efforts to make your marriage better on a regular basis.
This article nicely laid out how you can make these meetings successful in your marriage and use them for the betterment of your relationship! You’ll find some quotes from the article in the post below. I’ve also shared some great ideas for having a positive companionship inventory experience in your marriage below.
Related: Are You Talking About the Important Things?
Whether you choose to make these meetings formal or informal is up to you. But deciding to have them on a regular basis will make them more effective. Maybe you want to have them weekly or maybe you only feel the need to talk quarterly. You could start weekly and gradually cut down on how often you have your meetings as you become more in sync. You will also want to decide on the setting for your meetings as well. Do you set a specific date and time to have your discussion and hold a structured meeting? Or is an informal setting like a date night or late-night walk better for the two of you?
Take turns sharing things that you love about each other. What are some specific moments since your last inventory that you may not have told your spouse you appreciated? Tell them the things they’ve done that you’re proud of them for and the qualities that you admire in them. Don’t be afraid to build them up a little! Everyone needs and deserves compliments and praise. “Relationships thrive on positive thoughts, positive words, [and] positive actions.” The more you look for the good in your relationship, the more good you will find and the more you will have to share!
Related: Why We Started a Tradition of Marriage Meetings
When it’s your turn to discuss frustrations and issues that you may be having with your spouse, don’t criticize. “When we criticize, we are implying blame and we’re acting as if we were qualified to point out someone else’s faults and weaknesses… Criticisms of a negative nature can wear away the bonds of love until the marital fabric is weakened and ruined.” Avoid a written list of faults, instead, give your partner suggestions in a loving and kind way. “The object is to understand each other’s feelings, to see things from the other person’s point of view, and to discuss ways to resolve problems.” You may also consider limiting how many suggestions you make during each inventory meeting. So that the negatives don’t become too overwhelming or outweigh the positive.
Don’t become defensive when you are on the receiving end of the suggestions. If your partner is taking the time to bring something up, then it must be something that they really want to work on or change in your marriage. Be willing to talk about those things and find a solution to the problems that you both feel are present in your relationship. “Some are of great consequence; others may seem trivial. But all are important for husband/wife harmony.” If you are really dedicated to your marriage and making the relationship that you have with your spouse the best that it can be, you will be open to discussing the things that are bothering them. Just like you would want them to be willing to do with the things that you bring up.
The companion inventory way of approaching problems that one or both of you might be having is a great way to open the lines of communication, learn to be a better listener, be more aware of how you treat your spouse and your marriage, and also give you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and build up the one you love. The article suggests asking the question, “What can I do to be a better husband/wife?” as part of your talk. If you’re using the companion inventory correctly, that’s exactly what the goal and end result should be. To become a better spouse and in turn make your marriage better. Always remember that you are a team, and you are fighting for the same end goal!
P.S. Check out this Couples Contract Worksheet to help you navigate challenges and create a stronger foundation in your marriage.
Have you ever used this sort of process in your marriage before? How have you made it work well for you?
Photography by Emily-Jane