I’m a big fan of The 5 Love Languages, and I talk about them here quite often. Taking the time to learn what makes your spouse feel loved and then intentionally loving them in a way that they understand, but also in the way that comes naturally to you is great! However, there are a few things that I’ve heard from people who feel that knowing their love languages isn’t doing anything for them. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t feel like the love languages have made much of a difference in your marriage, these tips are for you!
When couples take The 5 Love Languages quiz and find that their two love languages match up, they assume that all of their hard work is done. But even within the same love language, people show and receive love differently. If the two of you scored close to the same on any of our love languages, don’t assume you don’t have to do much. Dig deeper to discover what each other’s love language dialect is! You’ll love your love language, even more, once you’ve discussed it in depth. And after you’ve come to a solid understanding of what you need from each other.
Related: Love Language Dialects
Just because your spouse knows what your love language is doesn’t mean that they will automatically know what you personally need in order to feel loved. If your love language is Words of Affirmation, your spouse may start leaving love notes around the house for you. When what you’d really appreciate is for them to thank you for the things that you are doing in your home and for your marriage on a regular basis. If there is something that you really need from your spouse in order to feel loved, like 10 minutes of quality, no technology allowed time each day, or a 30-second hug when you walk in the door from work, don’t be afraid to let them know.
When couples first take the love language quiz, I suggest that they have a notepad with them. As you’re taking the quiz if there’s anything that stands out to you as something you’d appreciate from your spouse, write it down! One of the options might say, “I appreciate it when my spouse takes the initiative to plan and invite me out for date night”. That’s something that I really appreciate in my marriage, so I would write it down. After you have your results, spend a few minutes reading through them. And think about how you give and receive love in your top language. These are the things you’ll want to share with your spouse as you’re discussing each of your languages.
Related: 290 Ways to Love Your Spouse Using Their Love Language
When I took the quiz before my husband and I got married, my top love language was Quality Time with Physical Touch following closely behind. A few years later, when I was waist-deep in homework and full-time work, I retook the quiz. And I discovered that Acts of Service came in first with Quality Time and Physical Touch still right up there as well. In fact, the three love languages were practically tied. Now that we have kids, Acts of Service is an even bigger deal to me.
I always recommend taking the quiz again every so often, to see how your love languages are currently ranking. One of my suggestions is to make taking the quiz together a part of your anniversary tradition every year. It’s a great way to refocus on how you are loving each other. And find out how you can improve in the next year of your marriage!
Related: 5 Meaningful Wedding Anniversary Traditions
Although your spouse may be aware of your love language. You can’t expect them to do the things that make you feel loved 100% of the time. What comes naturally to them is what their love language is. It’s important to be aware of those times when, although they may not be doing something that you easily recognize and appreciate, your spouse may be showing you love in their own way.
An example; Physical Touch is my husband’s top love language and Acts of Service is my top love language. Some nights when he gets home from work, the kids are both going crazy and I’m working hard to get dinner on the table. He will often come up behind me to give me a hug while I’m cooking or cleaning up the dinner mess. It used to irritate me because rather than harassing me, I wished he was playing with the kids or helping with cleaning up. One day I realized that I was being silly. My husband wasn’t harassing me or trying to annoy me, he was showing love. I needed to accept and appreciate that display of love rather than being annoyed and rejecting his efforts.
Related: The Secret to Success with The 5 Love Languages
There are things that are a DON’T when it comes to your spouse’s love languages. These are things that speak the opposite of love when you do or say them. And just like the actions or words that fill up your spouse’s love bucket, these things can take away from the love that your spouse feels from you. Because negative interactions tend to have a lasting impression, it’s crucial that you’re aware of them. I might even venture to say that avoiding these things is more important than the things you choose to do. Click here for a list of things to avoid doing with each love language.
Related: Things You Shouldn’t Do for Each of The 5 Love Languages
I have my main love language, the one that I appreciate the most. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate the others. Acts of Service and Quality Time are the things that make my heart sing. But I find myself appreciating and even longing for Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Receiving Gifts every now and then. The thing that I love the most about love languages is that they focus on being intentional and making a conscious effort in your marriage. Your spouse’s top love language might be Physical Touch. And the love language that they scored the lowest on might be Words of Affirmation. Don’t completely neglect to praise and compliment your spouse or verbally let them know that you love them.
When you are discussing your results together, and what speaks love to you the most in your top language, consider mentioning the others as well. Based on my own personal experience, I’ve found that some of the things that spoke to me the most from the quiz questions, didn’t actually fit into my top love languages. There is always at least one thing from each of my love languages that speaks loudly to me. Try to find one thing you can do each week to show love to your spouse using each of the love languages. Then focus the rest of your efforts on each of your top languages.
Related: 14 Simple Ways to Show Love to Your Spouse
My favorite thing about the love languages is that, even if your spouse doesn’t speak the language of Receiving Gifts, you can use their love language to pick out the perfect present. Sometimes I give my husband a gift that is really just a gift. But I also like to incorporate Physical Touch and Quality Time into his presents in a way that I know he’ll appreciate. One of the things that we do, because both of us appreciate Quality Time, is spend a night or two away together to celebrate our birthdays every October. We’d rather spend money on that time and experience than on an object that we think the other person would like. Click here for some ideas to help you use your spouse’s love language to plan the perfect gift.
Related: Use the Love Languages to Give the Perfect Gift
I also always suggest that people read The 5 Love Languages book. I read it once a year and my copy is well-loved. There are sections underlined and lots of notes in the margins. It’s a quick read, but really inspiring and I learn something new every time I read it. There is even a version of the book that is written specifically for men. It has a little bit of a different perspective. Reading the book will allow you to dive deeper into your understanding of each of the love languages. And how you can use each of them to better your marriage.
I’m always surprised when I meet someone who has never heard of The 5 Love Languages. Or who has heard of them but never cared to learn more about them or discover what theirs is. I was that person once, and then someone convinced me to take the test and I’ve been hooked ever since. I even got Joe to take the quiz on the night we met. I’m not sure how it came up in our conversation, or what I said to convince him to take it. But I’m kind of glad that I’ve known his love languages from the very beginning.
While the love languages aren’t a guide to solving every imperfection in your marriage. They are a great way to start caring about each other and communicating your needs.
Looking to dive deeper into your use of The 5 Love Languages? I suggest checking out these other resources that we love! I’m a big fan of the Love Language Minute for Couples, 100-Day Devotional. But there is also a year-long version for couples wanting to take things even further.
Photography by Emily-Jane