Do you view your relationship and your spouse in a positive way? Or are you more often seeing all of the things that are wrong? When I participated in the Epic Wives Experiment, Laura Heck would always talk about taking off your sh*t-colored glasses and replacing them with rose-colored glasses. It was always one of my favorite lessons from the experiment, the power of shifting what you focus on in your marriage. I think we’ve all heard the sentiment that “you find what you focus on”. This applies to life in general but focusing on the positive can create an awesome shift for good in your marriage relationship!
Set aside time at the end of each day to share three positive things you saw in your marriage. This ritual would make a good addition to your bedtime routine. The first few times you try this, it might feel hard to do. But the more you share the positive, the more positive things you’ll notice and have to share at the end of each day. You might even start to go beyond three positive things each day.
A lot of people keep a gratitude journal of some sort, but have you ever thought about creating one for your marriage? You can do it on your own, writing down a set number of things you’re grateful for, specific to your marriage, at the end of each day. Or the two of you can work together to fill it out each day or once a week. Another idea would be to take turns writing in it, passing it between the two of you so each spouse can read what the other spouse wrote before adding their own entry.
When Laura Heck talks about putting on your rose-colored glasses, she will share a thought process walk-through of the first minute of a typical morning for her. From waking up next to her husband to walking past his clothes on the floor on her way to the bathroom to finding some sort of mess on the mirror. She always shares it two different times, the first time with her sh*t-colored glasses on, only seeing the things that bother her and assuming the worst of her spouse, and the second time with the rose-colored glasses on and seeing the positive in those things that might have annoyed her.
It takes time and intentional effort to shift your perspective, but if it’s something you want to do, you can! An example from my own life would be whenever my husband does the laundry. It’s so easy for me to see the ways he “does it wrong” and harp on that. But in reality, he took a big task that I hate off of my list, and it’s still less work and frustration for me.
Be aware of the thoughts you are having and expressing verbally and whether they are positive or unnecessarily negative. You can catch yourself mid-thought and change those glasses you are wearing. You could also sit and think about situations from the past day or week when you were focused on the negative and walk through the moment with a positive perspective. I might also suggest looking forward to the week ahead of you to foresee any events or tasks on the calendar that might normally trigger negativity and make an effort to focus on the positive.
We are so quick to verbalize the things we want our partner to fix, but what about the things we appreciate and see going well? Share your thoughts out loud more often when they are positive. Or spend a day keeping the negative in your head and only expressing the positive. Your spouse will feel appreciated and know that their efforts are recognized when you speak those thoughts to them.
Choosing to focus on the positive definitely doesn’t mean that you should ignore problems in your marriage. Focusing on the positive doesn’t mean you can’t request a change in your relationship or how something is being done (ie making sure laundry/dishes make it to the basket/sink or addressing parenting differently). I often suggest that couples make this part of their marriage meeting each week or have a set time each night to discuss things. You can also look for conflict resolution tips from websites such as The Gottman Institute or Prep Inc.