There are a lot of things you can do to create better intimacy in your marriage. In fact, I wrote a post that includes 30 things you can do to increase intimacy in marriage. A lack of intimacy in your marriage doesn’t necessarily stem from your lack of physical connection. There is so much more to intimacy than just the physical connection you share with your spouse.
One of my favorite definitions of intimacy, found in the dictionary, is a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. I also love the synonyms listed for intimacy, which are closeness, familiarity, warmth, and affection. A professor once shared a “formula” for intimacy and said that intimacy = time + togetherness + talk. My personal definition of intimacy is the like, know and trust that you have in a person.
There are actually six different types of intimacy in a relationship. Emotional intimacy is created when you share your feelings, thoughts, desires, and dreams with each other. Intellectual intimacy is created by learning together. Spiritual intimacy is built around your shared religious or spiritual beliefs. Experiential intimacy is created by actively enjoying life together. Financial intimacy is created by being willing to communicate regarding your money. Physical intimacy is created through meaningful and loving physical touch.
Related: 30 Ways to Increase the Intimacy in Your Marriage
If you are looking to bring back the intimacy in your marriage, my list of 30 things you can do, connected to each of those six types of intimacy above, is a great resource. But I would encourage you to start with the three simple things in this post. Those three things are key in any marriage, but especially in deepening your intimate connection.
You have to be willing to communicate with your spouse on a deeper level, to build intimacy in your marriage. I’ve watched a few fictional TV shows recently, where the characters’ relationship is not what it could be because they refuse to share things about themselves and their past. They assume that those things are inconsequential, but everyone on the outside looking in can see what a huge difference it would make if they would just open up to each other.
The conversations you share with your spouse might not always be positive. There will be hard moments you’ll have to share, and discussions that need to be had to improve your relationship. These types of conversations are always the hardest to have and feel really vulnerable to start, but they’re often the most important. If you can work through the hard things together, you’ll come out stronger on the other side and you will have a better, more intimate connection moving forward.
Share your life with your spouse. Communicate your feelings, needs, and desires. Even if you don’t think your spouse will care, tell them about it. Letting your spouse into your life and keeping a line of open communication will deepen your intimate connection more than anything you do.
Related: The Best Conversation Starters for Married Couples
Respecting your spouse shows them that you value them as a person and as your partner. There are a lot of ways you can show your spouse that you respect them. Being aware of their time and contributions and how what you do affects them, even if you don’t think it does, is one way. Listening when they choose to share something with you, and not belittling or talking down to them about their feelings is another way. Respect in marriage is mutual and should go both ways.
Related: Respect Each Other in Marriage
I’ve been reading Boundaries in Marriage and it has quickly become one of my favorite books. The synopsis of the book says that the laws of boundaries taught in the book help couples move beyond the contention and friction they experience “to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for”. Setting boundaries in your marriage is more than protecting your relationship from outside influences. You also have to set boundaries for yourself and those boundaries will only continue to strengthen your marriage and allow for a deeper connection. I highly suggest you check out Boundaries in Marriage because there’s so much that comes with that boundary setting. It’s too much to add to this post, but know that it’s an important skill to learn and implement.
Related: It’s OK to Say ‘No’ for the Sake of Your Marriage
As you seek to improve the intimacy in your marriage, remember that it goes beyond more or better intercourse. Intimacy starts well before you make any physical connection with your spouse each day. Make an effort every day to build intimacy with your spouse and deepen your connection as a couple. When you do, the physical side of your relationship will improve along with your relationship.