Five Conversations to Have Before You Get Married

Date

06.04.20

I feel that couples in any stage of life could sit down together and talk about these things. It would be beneficial to their relationship as well.

When we were preparing to get married, we talked about a lot of things. Our lives were busy with work, school, and wedding plans. Most of what we talked about was related to the wedding or our life together immediately following our big day. We had conversations about some far future topics. But there are a lot of things that we’ve talked about since or situations that we’ve gone through together. I wish those topics were part of our conversations before marriage and before we were in the moment.

As I’ve watched other couples around me get married, I can’t help but think about these topics even more. So I decided to put together this post as a point of reference for engaged couples. I feel that couples in any stage of life could sit down together and talk about these things. It would be beneficial to their relationship as well.

conversations to have before getting married

Conversations Couple Should Have Before Getting Married

Conversations to have about your families and future family

What traditions does your family have?

Think about the big holiday traditions. And the traditions that are unique to your family and come with vacations, birthdays, or other special events. Also think about daily, weekly, and monthly rituals for things like family mealtime, bedtime, and certain days of the week.

Which of your current family traditions do you want to keep and incorporate into your marriage and family?

What is your family culture like?

Attitudes, ideas, home environment, catchphrases, beliefs, etc.

What boundaries or rules does your family live by?

How will those affect your new family unit and how which ones will you carry over in your own home?

How will you handle holidays with your families?

Set realistic boundaries and expectations now, keeping in mind that you might have kids in the future that will change how realistic or stressful your traditions are.

How many kids do you want?

What baby names do you have on your lists already?

Do you value things or experiences more?

Would you rather take your family on a vacation or fun outing or purchase fun toys to use? How will the things that you value translate into gift giving, and what do you spend your money on regularly?

What is most important to you when you’re building a home?

Talk about the physical house, but also the things that make your house a home. What type of atmosphere do you want to create? How will you build a space that feels safe for everyone in your family?

What is your family mission statement?

Spend a lot of time on this one then have it printed up and hang it in your home where it can be seen always.

What will your parenting look like?

Are there things that your parents did that you want or don’t want to do with your kids? What are your views on some of the more controversial topics (immunizations, homeschooling, spanking, etc.)?

What roles will each of you play in your home?

Will you both work? Will one of you stay home while the other one works, if so, who will fill which role? How will you divide household responsibilities? Who is in charge of setting your budget?

Conversations to have about your finances

Will you be combining your bank accounts and your finances?

Do you know what each other’s income is?

What will your budget look like?

What things do you need to cut out of your current lifestyle in order to fit your new budget? Is there anything you aren’t willing to give up? Is there something that’s important to you to be included in the budget?

How do you feel about debt?

Does either of you currently have debt? How do you plan to work as a team to pay off your debt?

What is your idea of a “comfortable living”?

How much money will you be making? Is it defined by the state of your house, the vacations you’re able to take, or the financial security you have?

What financial goals do you have?

Where are your priorities for your money? What things are most important to you? Are there sacrifices that you are willing to make when money is tight?

Are there any areas where you tend to overspend?

How will you keep your spending within the budget you set? Could you benefit from a cash-only system?

Conversations to have about your intimacy

What is your love language?

If you don’t know, take Gary Chapman’s, The 5 Love Languages Quiz online. What can your spouse do to show love to you in your language? How does your spouse show love in their language?

How do you define intimacy?

Are you both on the same page?

What is your current understanding of intimacy in marriage?

Did your parents teach you, and what did they cover? Have you learned things from friends? What questions do you have?

Have you been sexually active with other partners in the past?

What form of birth control works best for your lifestyle and belief system?

What do you need from your spouse to be intimate with them?

Discuss your mental, emotional, and physical needs.

What aren’t you comfortable with doing in the bedroom?

What are you comfortable with in the bedroom?

How and when do you want to be approached if your spouse wants to try something new?

What are your expectations related to intimacy?

conversations for engaged couples to have

Conversations to have about your relationship with each other

How will you continue to make each other a priority after you’re married?

What rituals will you create to help you connect on a daily basis?

How often will you have a date night?

What does date night look like in your marriage? How can you make date night happen on a budget? What creative things can you do to enjoy date night at home?

How often will you make it a priority to get away together?

What things make a romantic getaway for you? How will you use that time to connect on a deeper level and strengthen your relationship?

What things will you do to put each other first when life gets busy?

How will you make each other a priority after you become parents?

What habits and routines can you create now to build a strong relationship that will last a lifetime?

In addition to the conversations to have before marriage listed above, I highly suggest these conversation starters for couples. One resource mentioned in that post is the Connecting Questions for Couples book. Marriage 365 also has a book of Connecting Questions for Engaged Couples that I would recommend as well.