Couples experience varying levels of happiness in marriage, throughout the course of their relationship. Sometimes things feel like they couldn’t possibly get any better, and you are truly happy in marriage. Other times they could use some work, but for the most part, you’re content. And still other times, you can feel like you are really struggling. And long for moments when you remember being really happy together.
I know that there are a lot of different things that contribute to the level of happiness in your marriage. But there are a few things I think that you can both do to increase that happiness, external forces aside. I hope that implementing these tips in your own marriage will increase your personal level of happiness with the relationship!
Related: 3 Tips for Enjoying Every Stage of Your Marriage
A lot of unhappiness and disappointment in marriage comes from unmet expectations. And those unmet expectations generally come about because they’re not communicated. I’m a huge advocate for saying flat out what you need or want or are struggling with in life. Especially when it comes to communicating with your spouse. If there is something you feel would contribute to your own happiness or the happiness of the two of you as a couple, share that with your spouse!
Communicate your expectations in a kind, loving and positive way. You won’t receive a good response if you are making demands. The best way to communicate those expectations is with requests or by sharing your wishes. An example might be that you need them to help out more with something you’ve previously been doing. This could sound like, “I’m not feeling like I’m able to focus on my own self-care in this crazy time. Would you be willing to help me out by giving me an hour of uninterrupted time between dinner and bedtime each night?” Then the two of you can discuss what that looks like and all of the details.
Another reason that a lot of individuals have noted for not being happy is that they feel unappreciated for what they contribute to the relationship. As you become comfortable with each other and fall into routines in marriage. When something becomes routine, you can forget to be intentional about it. Those things that your spouse does every day like taking the garbage out, making meals, doing the dishes, making the bed, or any other little thing, can become routine in your marriage. These are the things that you should be thanking your spouse for occasionally. In addition to the bigger gestures that are easy to express gratitude for when they come up.
Set a goal to find at least three things each day that you can thank your spouse for. It can be as simple as thanking them for supporting the family when you greet them as they come in the door after work. Or letting your spouse know that you really loved dinner and appreciate the way they care for you. Maybe you thank them for something that they do that is normally a disagreement between the two of you. Like changing the toilet paper roll if it’s usually left empty or taking the garbage out rather than letting it overflow.
Related: 20 Things to Thank Your Spouse for Every Day
Have you heard the theory that you find what you are looking for? If you are constantly looking for or focusing on the things that make you unhappy in your marriage, that is what you will find. But if you start to search for those happy moments, you will start to see more of them. I notice the same thing with looking for things I’m grateful for in my life vs. looking at the things that I wish would change.
I would challenge you to keep a notebook on your bedside table that you can write in each night. At the end of each day, no matter what your current mood is, pull out the notebook and write down all of the things in your marriage or about your spouse that made you happy that day. Some days you might only come up with one or two things. On other days your list might be never-ending. But you’ll see that the longer you do this exercise, the more happiness you’ll find each day.
If you are constantly seeing the things your spouse isn’t doing “right” and assuming that they’re doing those things wrong on purpose, you will always be unhappy with them. Instead, you could look at those things that upset you and what your spouse’s motive could have been in a positive light. I like to think that in general, our spouses want to make us happy and aren’t trying to hurt us. So when your spouse does do or say something that hurts you, is potentially offensive, or makes you upset, take a step back before you say anything.
Consider where they were coming from, and what their intentions might have been. Then communicate accordingly. Let them know that you know it wasn’t their intention but that you were hurt or upset or whatever emotion you felt, by what was said or done. Explain why those things made you feel the way you did, and then let them respond. Give your spouse a chance to apologize for the impact of their actions and explain what their intentions were. While yes, the impact you felt is real and valid and needs to be addressed. You’ll both be so much happier when you can discuss intention. And move forward with that in mind, having talked and communicated well.
These are general, but effective tips for finding more ways to be happy in marriage. Each couple is going to have their own challenges and face different things that will make them each unhappy. You get to choose how you tackle those things and let them affect the overall environment in your marriage. You can’t be happy at all times, that’s unrealistic. But an overall feeling of happiness in your marriage is possible!
