It might seem silly to write you a letter here. This website is dedicated to helping married couples make their marriage a priority after all. But I know you’re here too! Some of you have sent emails or messages on social media. You tell me that you’re not married yet, and some of you are not even close. But when that day comes, you want to be ready to have the greatest marriage possible! And that’s why you’re here.
I’ve been there, right where you are! I was once that girl, waiting for that special someone, who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And like you, I was doing everything I could to be ready. I followed marriage blogs and read books about relationships and all things. When I look back on my single days, there are a lot of things I’m proud of myself for doing and a lot of things I wish I’d done differently. That’s how life is with everything, right?
While I can’t speak for you, I found that in my “single years”, my main focus seemed to be finding ‘the one’ and getting married. I did other things of course, but I had a habit of making most decisions based on “what if I meet ‘him’?” Over the almost nine years I’ve been married, there are a few things I always thing would be nice to go back and tell my single self. So, in a way, this letter is to a younger, single me, and you get to read it.
In the movie, “Runaway Bride,” Julia Roberts’ character changes her preferences depending on who she is dating or engaged to at the time. One of the scenes at the climax of the storyline shows her taste-testing eggs, cooked in every way possible, to figure out which one she really prefers.
Are your favorites really your favorites, or do they change depending on who you’re with? Do you know what your own personal interests really are? In addition to going on dates and spending time with friends, I suggest you spend time with just yourself. Plan one night at home alone each week, eating takeout and watching a movie. Or be adventurous and take yourself out to eat and to a movie or to try a new activity.
Do everything you can to find out who you really are and stay true to that person, no matter who you are with.
Before you can fully love another person, and before someone else can fully love you, you must first love yourself. I didn’t really work on this until the last summer I was single. Only then did I truly learn to love me and all of my quirks. I found the things that made me happy and treated my mind, body, and soul really well.
Focus on developing your own talents and finding new ones. Identify your own weaknesses and do what you can to turn them into strengths. Make a list of all of your best qualities. Write an affirmation statement based on your qualities and put it somewhere that you will see it daily. It can take a lot of work to love every part of yourself, but it’s well worth it!
Don’t plan your life around the possibility that you might meet your match tomorrow, next week, in two months, or next year. Make plans, set goals, and live your dreams! This would be the biggest thing that I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was single. I was always planning my life as if I knew that the man of my dreams was just around the corner.
Plan a cruise with your closest friends for a year from now. Go back to school for a second degree, or buy your first home. Delaying your own happiness and putting off the things that you really want to do in hopes that this week will be your week, or this year will be your year, will only make you more miserable and desperate to find “the one.”
Get out of your comfort zone, meet new people, go on that blind date, or try a new dating website. Be open to new things, new people, and new places. You might not find “the one” with every risk you take. But you’ll grow as an individual and learn new things about yourself!
I was “single” from 19 to 22. Not super long, but it felt like a lifetime, especially watching all of my other friends find the one they love. Six months before I met my husband. I realized I needed to start doing some of the things I listed in this post. And it wasn’t until a few months into that time that I threw my dating focus out the window and decided to live my life for myself.
That summer, I finally applied to college, to pursue my associates degree. (I got my cosmetology license after high school and worked in the salon for a few years first.) I sought out a good voice teacher and used my income to take voice lessons again. And I made plans to apply for a summer job the next year, one I’d always wanted to do. I also planned to audition for a musical at our local community theater in the coming season.
And you know what, I was so glad I did all of those things. My only regret was not doing those things sooner. I remember always wishing I could go back and tell myself as a fresh high school graduate to enjoy life more! My husband supported my college dreams and still does. I continued voice lessons until we couldn’t fit them into our budget, but I plan to take them again in the next few years. The other two things didn’t work out, for completely unrelated reasons, and it was ok. Having them to work toward was rewarding in itself!
There are so many amazing things you can do and become while you are working toward that goal of starting your own family. Don’t put your blinders on and become too focused. You won’t have nearly as much fun in your single years, and you’ll miss out on a lot of opportunities to learn and grow. I grew so much in that short time I that decided to shift my focus. These are the things that helped me in that time and I hope they help you too!
Happy dating, friend!